unhappy in wisconsin (Appleton, Wales, Niagara: house, public school, college)

[tomcat6]

Hello,
My family and I recently relocated to Wisconsin from Massachusetts. We have moved many times before starting out in Wales, UK. Then we moved to Indiana. After 5 years there it was on to New York state near Niagara Falls. After another 5 we moved to Massachusetts. My one child did not take the move from NY well, but the other two did. They were very happy there, but unfortunately we were forced to move. Now things are just falling apart. When we have moved other times, they were unhappy at first but got used to it. That hasn't happened here. Before we even moved my kids told me they weren't going to be happy. My 16 year old son has a girlfriend of a year and a half and my daughter had many great friends. Since the move, my son is still going out with his girlfriend, flying back to visit her each month. But, they hate the school they attend. The kids tell me they just sit there and don't talk to anyone and then they come home and just sit around. They are really unhappy and show signs of depression. They keep saying this situation isn't working out and we need to think of something else. They are both in 10th grade now and they cannot fathom being here for 3 years until they graduate. They have both applied for other schools, as they hate the one they are in. Their old school had over 2000 students and they really like the atmosphere. The town was not huge, but not a small rural town as the one we live in now is. The new school is very small and not modern. They repeatedly ask to be home schooled, but I want to go back to work. I don't know what to do. Any advice? They both plan on spending their whole summer with their friends back home and show no signs of settling here.

[JoshB]

Where in Wisconsin do you reside?

[mawipafl]

tomcat6 - I truly understand what your kids are feeling, especially at their ages. The older children are when you move, the more difficult it can be.

As JoshB asked, where in Wisconsin? And how long have you been there?

Thing is, it sounds like your kids have no intention of even giving Wisconsin a chance since they stated, pre-move, that they were going to hate it. The 10th graders are telling you how they plan to spend their summer?? um, I don't mean to be harsh, but aren't you the parent of these youngsters, and as such, aren't you the one who determines what they do?

Obviously your kids are not unsocial since they made friends in your old community. And that's the plus - and it's what your kids need to realize. They are lucky, believe it or not and they won't believe it. So many families live out all their years in the same place and never experience life elsewhere.

Our teen was devastated when we moved from PA to FL last June. We're now 1000 miles away from her former high school friends and from her beloved NYC. It took a few months for her to acclimate and to start making new friends. We, as her parents, didn't allow her to sit and mope - we got her to participate in activities. When she started in on the woe-is-me, we redirected to remind her that yes, this is where we live and that's not going to change, so either be miserable or try to find the positives.

She didn't cut ties with her PA friends. She continued to call, IM, email with them. Interesting - some she's remained in contact with, while others have faded and gone by the wayside. What's important is that she's finally realized that she is fortunate to have four circles of friends (from the four places we've lived, including FL.) She likes it here now, but she won't be a Floridian forever, and she understands now that it's important to enjoy the present - far better than deciding to be miserable all the time in the present.

[KateDaum]

We also moved to Wisconsin. We moved from New Hampshire and prior to that we lived in upstate New York, Montana, Iowa, Illinois and I grew up in Missouri and my husband in Ohio.
My kids are a senior in high school, a sophomore and a 6th grader. We were going to wait to move to WI until my daughter graduated from high school. But they hated it so much in NH they wanted to move to WI this year. My older daughter did her 1st semester of her senior year in NH and is finishing her year in WI. My younger two moved with me in November.

We have had the opposite experience. Our kids are thriving here, totally opposite experience as you. They hated being in NH, didn't mind New York.
We had spent a few summers here and some extended time before we moved. So our kids had the chance to make friends here. They also are involved in many activities.

Since we have moved so many times and my husband is a relocaction expert (for a living not just because we have moved so much) we make our kids reach out. It is expected of them to either volunteer in the community or join activities. They know it is up to them to make it work. They are the ones that need to reach out to others.

My oldest daughter is so happy to be part of her graduating class. She has made many friends. When she goes off to college in the fall she is rooming with someone she met since we moved.

Having a girlfriend back home is hard. And I am sure that is a big part of the unhappiness.

My husband always tells families when they relocate, they need to be proactive in making it work. You can sit around the house whining and complaining or you can get out and explore and embrace where you live.

We just spent 3 days in the Appleton area showing 2 families who are relocating from the northeast the area. One has kids in junior high. They are so excited when they saw all the area has to offer.

I agree your kids decided from the start they weren't going to like it here and they are probably to stubborn to change. One didn't like Massachusetts either. It is hard. My kdis hated NH but they still voluntered at an animal shelter, two played sports and the other was involved in musicals. I think you need to push them to get involved. Good luck!

[yo vanilla]

It sounds to me more like you aren't unhappy with WI so much as there's just been alot of pains from the multiple moves. It can be tough for a teenager to get readjusted in a new school and make new friends; unfortunately high school usually doesn't welcome newcomers with sunshine and lollipops.

Wish the best.

[BacktoNE]

tomcat, where are you in WI?


We came here from Maine, very open to the new experience and have found it to be a huge disappointment. However, when your kids start out believing they will hate it, that has to be really tough. We don't have kids, and we have the freedom to be able to return home, hopefully later this year. Is there any chance that you can work towards that goal yourself? Or are you truly "stuck" here for the duration? I hope that you can find a solution because I simply can't imagine having a house full of unhappy teenagers!

[spieker]

Sounds like you are giving your children a lot of power. Who pays for your son to fly back once a month? I hope not you. I agree with a previous post: Tell the kids this is where you live now, period. Helping them get into another school might help but you still have to be firm about them having to adjust.

[sunflower53072]

Hopefully the new schools they applied for will be a better fit. My kids were younger when we moved here, but my daughter was so miserable in the public school here we ended up pulling her and sending her to private. It was a much better fit and had more kids that didn't grow up here their whole lives. Hopefully they can open enroll or find a better school situation and with time adjust. you might want to find a counselor to help them deal with the issues and possible depression. Good luck!

[KateDaum]

It takes work to make a relocation work. We embrace everything about our new area when we move. We try to make a difference in the community. We check out all that is offered, plays, concerts etc. We even tailgated at the Packer game just for the experience.
My husband can tell you, working with relocation like he has, that many people can never be happy outside their home area. They compare everything to how it was back home and can never make the adjustment.

[KateDaum]

I just reread your original post. If your child was not happy in NY and now here it is probably a lack of confidence. It is hard to start over and if they were not happy before then they are proably pretty sure they wouldn't be happy in a new place. Where would you go? Your kids told you they wouldn't be happy moving so no matter what they probably wouldn't have been happy no matter where you moved.
Tough situation to be in. Makes me realize how lucky I am that my kids make quick adjustments when we have moved. Even though they hated NH we still had fun doing family things, skiing, hiking, making fun of the locals (ha ha) and other activities.