Should I be worried about my boss's intentions? (employee, credit, job)

[Anafiel]

Here's the background: I just started a new job about 6 weeks ago. I telecommute, and my boss lives in another state, so we chat daily (sometimes multiple times a day) over Skype, always IM or audio and never video. My boss is 15 years older than me, and has been married for about 25 years. I'm in my early 30s, single, and he knows that I am single.

A few times he has said or done things that have made me uncomfortable:

* He greeted me over Skype with "hey beautiful how's it going?" once, and I immediately told him that it made me uncomfortable. To his credit, he never did it again.

* The first time we met in person, he took me out to dinner at my hotel. At some point in the conversation, he mentioned that his wife had a round face, which he found pleasing, and then he said that I also have a round face like his wife.

* He gossips to me about the personal details of his other employees. One time he told me a female co-worker had kicked her husband out of the house after a big fight for being lazy and not finding a job, only to take him back a few weeks later.

* He tends to praise his wife when she comes up in the small talk we sometimes make on our Skype calls, but he has also divulged some very unflattering personal information about her. For example, he told me that she is having a hard time going through menopause, and that she freaks out almost daily and calls him with crazy rantings and ravings.

* Occassionally he sends me emails with news articles he thinks I should read, or that he thinks I will find interesting. Most of the time he sends these over the weekend, and I find it weird that a married man would be thinking of me enough to send me non-work related emails over the weekend...that's never happened to me at any of the 3 previous places I've worked.

* On one Skype call where we were discussing ways to destress, he mentioned that he had relaxed the previous evening by running 10 miles at a 6-minute pace (he seemed to really want me to know he could run a 6-minute mile), then taking a long relaxing bubble bath with a bottle of nice wine.

* He tried weed for the first time last week and, while he was high, he sent me several emails about the transcendent effects of weed on the mind. The next day, he spent twenty minutes on our daily Skype audio status mtg telling me what a transformational experience it was, and he tried to make me promise to do weed with him next time I fly out for an in-person business trip. When I protested, he said he wouldn't have mentioned it if he hadn't thought of me as an open-minded person. (Note: weed is currently LEGAL where he lives, so he's not breaking any laws.)

* He also told me he really wants to get his wife to try weed so that she will calm the heck down and not freak out so often.

So...I'm not sure what I should make of any of this. I've never telecommuted before, so I'm not sure if the lack of face-to-face contact (or even video contact) makes some people feel like confessing details of their personal lives? I should mention that other than the issues outlined above, my boss is a very easy person to get along with, very encouraging, and he praises the work I've done so far. I really want to like him as a person (platonically, of course) but I just can't shake the nagging feeling that his feelings towards me are more than platonic.

Is this guy hitting on me? Should I be worried? Anything I should do going forward to find out if he has unprofessional intentions towards me, or to protect myself? I really, really like my job, much better than any of my previous ones, and I really want things to work out at this new company. What should I do?

[Wardendresden]

Anafiel, I am retired now, but over the years had a number of female employees working for me. Whenever I hired a new female employee I had a short talk with each of them. I told them I would never, ever intentionally do anything that made them feel sexually uncomfortable or threatened. But I AM a MAN, and men are prone to say and do things that will, on occasion, be offensive to a woman. Her obligation to me in such an instance was to IMMEDIATELY tell me what I had said that made her feel uncomfortable. I promised never to be defensive about whatever it was I might have said and to be more cognizant of it in the future. If it were to happen a SECOND time, then both of us would go to MY boss and explain what happened. No ifs, ands, or buts. We would jointly report it.

I never had any of those kind of problems with any of my female employees, because we both clearly understood what our actions would be.

I've been married 42 years to a wonderful woman. Over the years at work I've heard many men criticize or complain about their wives. I refused to engage in that kind of criticism of the woman I married. There are plenty of women that look better and some that perhaps that were more personable than my wife. But I always felt she was MY choice, and that criticizing her would be in effect criticizing my own lack of judgment in selecting a lifetime partner. My career took me all across the country and she followed me even when I knew she wasn't pleased by some of the geographic locations in which we found ourselves. She bore and raised our child and she was totally loyal to me in some of my most asinine moments. And, although we have had some intense moments of disagreement over the years, we are ONE.

If a man can criticize his wife or publicize their disagreements to others in a workplace, he's not much of a man IMO, so your boss has one strike against him in my book.

My suggestion is that you share as little of your own personal life with him as possible, and if he presses you for it (which he will if he is beginning to have some personal interest in you), tell him that you have a found that when you refrain from intermingling your personal and professional lives you have always been a happier, more focused, and productive employee, which is what you believed was expected of you.

Women frequently want men to "read" their signals, whether it is encouraging or "thanks, but no thanks." Men generally require much more direct evidence of where they stand. If he begins sharing too much personal information again, or asking you to share, just shake your head and say you'd rather not so that you can remain the happy, focused, and productive employee that he wanted when he hired you.

Sharing information about places you've been (I'm a big fan of national parks) or activities of the company are fine. But questions about boyfriends or who you are seeing or your past relationships should be off limits for discussion. And if he wants to criticize his wife in some fashion, ask him instead to tell you about a vacation he took which he thought was one of the best he ever had (or the second best vacation, or third best) until he gets the idea that you will not entertain his using you as a sounding board for his marriage.

And we are all guilty of letting phone conversations get away from business. If he wanders in his thoughts, bring him back with a question about the job, or his expectations for some particular project. Do not let your "face time" become anything but a sharing of business ideas. If he asks how you deal with stress, just smile and tell him, "Privately."

It's a tough challenge for women to walk a very thin line with dominant male bosses who want to make them a "buddy" instead of an employee.

Wishing you the best and every success in your new job.

[JanND]

Ok...I just read your Post. I didn't even read anything beyond yours. Are you serious??? You know exactly what he is doing...And you are participating. You've pretty much volunteered by letting things get to this level of inappropriateness.
Get a "boyfriend" pretend if you have to, "get very busy".....make designated times for your calls, and time limits. Stick ony to work subjects, nothing personal...period.
Phone calls only, no skype. If he gets off track during these work calls regarding your job, your job assignment COUGH, SNEEZE, Say you have another call whatever, redirect the conversation back to work...Example..".Could you repeat that suggestion regarding"...bla, bla, ba....You need to get this under control asap....Skype is not necessary to stay in touch w/ your work orders. Get it back into the professional arena it should have always been in...Good luck

EDIT TO ADD:Reps Warden....Very well written post. OP, take every bit of this person's advice.

[jaypee]

To answer your question: yes, you should be worried since your boss' actions are highly inappropriate. You've been on the job for 6 weeks, can you imagine what it'd be like after 6 months if you don't take corrective action and steer the relationship back and maintain professional decorum?

[move4ward]

Is your boss smoking weed with his other friends? Is the answer no? Ask yourself, why is he is trying to get you high and alone. He has friends, associates, and other co-workers. Why single out you, when he just met you? He's had longer working relationships with his toothbrush.

[CFoulke]

I absolutely believe he is putting out "feelers" to see if you are receptive to him and since you are not I would go on the record and lay it out in a very blunt and serious manner. The next time he starts with his crap - stop him mid sentence and ask him to give you a few moments. THEN, tell him in very uncertain but professional terms that you are uncomfortable with his remarks, you find it disrespectful and unprofessional, it is having an impact on your work product which is why you are working for that particular company, and it needs to stop YESTERDAY. Keep a thorough record of your conversations and anything you feel is pertinent. I would let him know that if it continues you will report him to upper management and let them deal with it or that you will deal with it in a legal manner. I suspect this is not his first time in doing this and he is taking advantage of it - there are probably other women in the company he has approached in the same manner. If it continues I would seek employment elsewhere - and I would start looking now just in case. I wish you good luck.

[bande1102]

Always go with your gut. You're obviously picking up something weird so it IS weird. Honestly, it sounds like he's grooming you and trying to see how far you'll go. He's going to keep upping the ante until you shoot him down. You can do this without jeopardizing your job. Start by setting up boundaries: only communicate with him during work hours and only about work or very insignificant small talk (weather, that sort of thing). Don't respond to personal emails or inquiries. If he speaks of non work-related stuff, steer him back to work. If that doesn't work, tell him you're not comfortable with the conversation and, if you need to, leave dinner, hang up the phone, close IM. In my experience, this should work. If it doesn't, you're dealing with something far uglier and you need to place your own personal well-being above the job.

[move4ward]

I would start recording every Skype session. I would forward every inappropriate text message and email to a personal account. You need to make a copy to another PC or save it in email as evidence.

If this turns into sexual harassment, then you will have a good case. Ideally, it will not go that far. If anything, he will just leave you alone. Cover yourself. It's better safe than sorry.

[Paka]

Life rule...if they will do it with you, they will do it TO you!

[STT Resident]

It couldn't be more obvious and, as others have said, it's up to you to set the ground rules for this relationship as "the boss" obviously hasn't a clue. You should have done it in the beginning by redirecting all these personal comments and observations but all may not be lost if you can start now. When something remotely personal comes up, change the subject back to work. Keep doing it. Don't stay on the 'phone with him unless the conversation is work related. You have other things to do and places to be ... Hitch up those big girl knickers now. Good luck.