Critique my cover letter (apply, application, job, career)

[KnowerOfThings]

Dear [Company I applied to],

I am submitting an application after finding myself actively interested in the Research Data Analyst career opportunity presented on Husky Jobs. Thank you for the opportunity to write a cover letter that I hope will give you a concise overview of my ability to perform your essential requirements.

In bullet-point form, here are the relevant highlights of my education and extracurricular activity over the past four years:

• A Mathematics background that includes coursework in Advanced Probability, Scientific Computing and other tools for research and analyses.
• An application of that background in a university research setting where I was responsible for using statistical software to script a complex analyses on very large data sets, making judgment calls on how to best solve sensitive problems, communicating with senior team members and translating the results into a written summary.
• A thirst for learning, for using my problem-solving tools to take on personal projects and broaden my skills.
• Two roles that sharpened my interpersonal skills and made me more confident in meeting and dealing with all types of people. The first was involvement in a political campaign, where I spent time going door-to-door and vouching for a local candidate. The second was my role as recruiter in a leadership organization at school, where I spent time calling and meeting with incoming freshmen.

If these make me a good fit to take on the Research Data Analyst, I look forward to hearing from [the company] to learn about how my role would fit into your mission and culture.

Best,
[My name]

[jade408]

Intro paragraph is pointless. Write it with the perspective that they are not going to read anything else in your letter.

I am interested in your research job, with my background in math, analytics, excellent interpersonal skills, and [[something unique and relevant not in your resume]] I'd be great to help [[company solve their business challenge]]

The second paragraph is also useless. a. your bullet points aren't concise b. the reader knows what bullet points are for.

Here is a quick summary of my qualifications:
College course work in XYZ with a GPA of XYZ
College analytics job in XYZ with XYZ topic

The closing is fine.

[KnowerOfThings]

Originally Posted by jade408

Intro paragraph is pointless. Write it with the perspective that they are not going to read anything else in your letter.

I am interested in your research job, with my background in math, analytics, excellent interpersonal skills, and [[something unique and relevant not in your resume]] I'd be great to help [[company solve their business challenge]]

The second paragraph is also useless. a. your bullet points aren't concise b. the reader knows what bullet points are for.

Here is a quick summary of my qualifications:
College course work in XYZ with a GPA of XYZ
College analytics job in XYZ with XYZ topic

The closing is fine.

Thanks! I'm definitely going to drop the generic into paragraph that I've been reusing on every cover letter.

[brightdoglover]

Beware of the tendency to write in "resume-speak." Overall, if you wouldn't talk a certain way, don't write that way. It sounds stiff, blah and boring. You might even consider using contractions "I'm" instead of "I am."
Agree with the above posters. You shouldn't have to tell someone that they are about to read something that is concise.
Simpler, less is more.
Best wishes.

[aliss2]

I have to agree with everyone else. I don't work in human resources, but I do teach English. I hope I can help a little with the actual writing, and perhaps someone with HR experience can offer their opinion. There's a lot of writing, but not a lot of substance. I think I would revise it to something like this:

Dear [name of hiring manager, not company],

Please accept this cover letter and resume as application for the Research Data Analyst career opportunity presented on Husky Jobs.

[SHORT statement about yourself as a quality employee], such as:

• A mathematics background that includes coursework in advanced probability, scientific computing, and other tools for research and analyses. Names of specific courses, such as Advanced Probably 1201 from XYZ university are capitalized - general course names, such as advanced probability (a subject), is not capitalized. Use a comma for the final listing in English.
• Proven ability to apply this mathematics background in a university research setting where I was responsible for using statistical software to script a complex analyses on very large data sets, making judgment calls on how to best solve sensitive problems, communicating with senior team members, (again, watch that final comma) and translating the results into a written summary.
• A thirst for learning, for using my problem-solving tools to take on personal projects and broaden my skills. This sounds wordy, I would just remove it. You could mention a desire for continuing education to improve job performance
•Two roles that sharpened my interpersonal skills and made me more confident in meeting and dealing with all types of people. The first was involvement in a political campaign, where I spent time going door-to-door and vouching for a local candidate. The second was my role as recruiter in a leadership organization at school, where I spent time calling and meeting with incoming freshmen.
Again, wordy. You could say "Improved (or whatever verb) interpersonal skills and confidence with customers/clients by contacting the public through door-to-door.... and as a recruiter in my school's leadership organization ...."

If these make me a good fit to take on the Research Data Analyst (are you looking to fight him? - how about, "It is for these reasons that I am fully qualified for the Research Data Analyst position), I look forward to hearing from [the company] to learn (this isn't school) to discuss how I can bring these skills to [the company].

Best,
[My name]