Cover letter feedback for major int. companies (employees, sample, highest)

[daand]

Dear Everyone,

I am a university student looking for his first job at a big international company.
I've written a cover letter and would love your feedback. This example is for Red Bull which I shortned to RB because I do not want it showing up in Google. I've set my dreams high and was planning to send different vairations out to some 15 other big international companies in my field.

46% of newly hired employees will fail within 18 months, according to a recent study.


According to the same research, only 19% will achieve unequivocal success. In this letter I will convince you, that I belong with that successful 19%. As a young and very enthusiastic person I believe that great companies are always able to make room for great people. Do you believe this too?

For years I have been inspired by RB’s incredible events like Stratos, Cliffdiving and Crashed Ice. Graduating in August this year, I finally have the opportunity to start my career. But, starting out working at a small local company is not for me. I have set my goals high and hope to achieve my dreams at RB. It is a my honor to introduce myself to you; I am Daniel, a 25 years old professional with high hopes and great goals. I am looking for a job in marketing with opportunities for a management function.

One my most valuable experiences was during my internship as a military sports instructor with the Marine Corps in The Netherlands for 2 years. There, I learned the value of education, structure & discipline. My education inspired me to start my own digital marketing company where I was able to successfully market websites and graphic design to different companies. The last 2 years have been a specialization into the leisure and hospitality industry with a big focus on social media training and advise. I look forward to apply this knowledge and my entrepreneurial skills at RB.

When I was given the opportunity to work for a year with Disney Cruise Line as a personal Trainer on one of their six star cruise ship’s I took the chance right away. This international experience with a service provider of the highest standards was a life changing event. It taught me how to create the perfect day for a guest and creative problem solving. This is something I know I can use in a challenging working environment with RB.

Currently I am traveling the world and getting ready for my graduation of my Bachelor degree in Leisure Management in August 2014. After spending the last 3 years achieving my dreams and working in some of the most incredible places in the world, I am looking for a world renowned international company to start my long term career. Combining a realistic view on the world with continuous high university grades and a unlimited amount of energy allows me to help RB grow even further in the Creative, Marketing or Sales Department.

When you give me one chance to prove this to you, I will repay you this a 100 times.
I promise you in this letter that I will be worth it. And knowing the daring culture of RB, I challenge you to take this leap of faith with me.

Yours sincerely,

Please let me know what you think.
Would love critical feedback and improvement possibilities.

[aneye4detail]

I don't know if they would take this into account since you're an international student, but the grammar is not impeccable.

[daand]

Thanks Aneye,

Could you help me solve the greatest grammatical errors?
I don't know if they would be lenient towards me as a international student, but I want it to be perfect anyway. Hence the check and why I appreciate your comment.

[aneye4detail]

Paragraph 2: Remove "a" from It is a my honor. Spell out numbers. Don't use ampersands, spell out the word and. Paragraph 3: Social media training and "advise"? I look forward to applyING this knowledge. Don't capitalize trainer. No apostrophe needed in the word ships. Bachelor's degree. I don't know about that repay you 100 times, little much.

Also, overall, if you have not already, look at cover letter samples. I'm not sure if it's supposed to read like yours. But I haven't done a cover letter in years, so I'm not sure.

[groar]

grammatical (and some style) issues aside, this is the kind of cover letter that a hiring manager might find too salesy or gimmicky, or they might LOVE it. it's definitely not your usual cover letter, which could work for you or against you depending who's reading it. at a company like red bull that views itself as hip and edgy, your chances are probably greater that you'll hit on a manager who likes the style of this letter. but it's impossible to tell from the outside how it will go over.

i WOULD take this line out entirely:

"When you give me one chance to prove this to you, I will repay you this a 100 times."

first of all, it's not formatted into a paragraph correctly. it's also not grammatically correct unless you spell out "hundred". and it just sounds a bit hyperbolic and, honestly, desperate.