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I'm a married mom with two school-age children in a new city, where we moved due to my husband's new career opportunity. Being that we have no close friends or family here, we realized head-on that there would be many more complexities and considerations in ensuring our kids were properly monitored, supervised and supported. Also, since I had never been a SAHM and felt like I had missed so much, on account of my robust career, we decided that I would cease full-time outside-the-home employment with our family's move and transition.
It's now several months later, and I have been successful in securing consulting-level and employee-based work in my field. I get to work from home, rather flexibly, meeting the demands and obligations of my family like never before. It has also come at a cost because I am earning much less than I did in corporate America.
As the same time, we are not struggling financially, and I tend to be a frugalista in the first place. I am a natural penny-pincher and budget watcher who believes in investing, saving and spending wisely.
However, I keep having moments where I feel like I "should" be back in the rat race. I worry about my skills being perceived as stale or compromised because I will have not assumed a "traditional" (in-office, full-time) job in several years, if my husband and I adhere to our plan, even though I am still working (non-traditionally), volunteering and pursuing elevated professional development opportunities (trainings, certifications).
This is the life I've wanted to live ever since I had children, but every day I struggle with this. Intuitively, I know that I don't want to get back into 12-hour days full of meetings and awful commutes, plus workplaces that tend to treat mothers abhorrently.
I'd love to hear from similarly positioned women who stepped back, opted out or assumed an alternative work style/life for familial or related reasons. I'd even enjoy hearing from husbands whose wives might have done the same thing.
Unfortunately, it's the kind of benefit you can only see in hindsight. If your kids are still young, it's hard to understand.
I had to let myself know that it's ok to operate under the vision statement that raising quality people is my most important priority. I can do the best job at that by focusing on that, not feeling torn by guilt or remorse about what else I might be "missing out" on.
I had to view my children as a legacy, an investment, not just another task I had to manage or a stage in life I had to "get through."
Also, comparison really is the thief of joy, and looking around what what others are doing or what you "could" be doing only leads to dissatisfaction.
It's really just a choice in how you perceive it. Think of it like your marriage. There are other men out there, but do you walk around thinking "woulda, shoulda, coulda" about every man you see?
Thanks. My kids are 1 and 4. Rough flu day. Its hard to see why I'm doing this when others can afford vacations or get coffee breaks in a quiet office.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Unfortunately, it's the kind of benefit you can only see in hindsight. If your kids are still young, it's hard to understand.
I had to let myself know that it's ok to operate under the vision statement that raising quality people is my most important priority. I can do the best job at that by focusing on that, not feeling torn by guilt or remorse about what else I might be "missing out" on.
I had to view my children as a legacy, an investment, not just another task I had to manage or a stage in life I had to "get through."
Also, comparison really is the thief of joy, and looking around what what others are doing or what you "could" be doing only leads to dissatisfaction.
It's really just a choice in how you perceive it. Think of it like your marriage. There are other men out there, but do you walk around thinking "woulda, shoulda, coulda" about every man you see?
Thanks. My kids are 1 and 4. Rough flu day. Its hard to see why I'm doing this when others can afford vacations or get coffee breaks in a quiet office.
You are in the midst of the most insanely difficult part.
I went through the same feeling a few years back. I felt I was neglecting my desire for success. I ended up switching from a flexible schedule to full time stressful career path. I realized I made a mistake a few months in.
Hind sight is always 20/20, really weigh how you feel. Your happiness is important.
Unfortunately, it's the kind of benefit you can only see in hindsight. If your kids are still young, it's hard to understand.
I had to let myself know that it's ok to operate under the vision statement that raising quality people is my most important priority. I can do the best job at that by focusing on that, not feeling torn by guilt or remorse about what else I might be "missing out" on.
I had to view my children as a legacy, an investment, not just another task I had to manage or a stage in life I had to "get through."
Also, comparison really is the thief of joy, and looking around what what others are doing or what you "could" be doing only leads to dissatisfaction.
It's really just a choice in how you perceive it. Think of it like your marriage. There are other men out there, but do you walk around thinking "woulda, shoulda, coulda" about every man you see?
"Comparison is the thief of joy." I am so on board with that statement. Very true. However, I am pretty certain that I am not (consciously, anyway) comparing myself with others. There are several factors at play, many of them rooted in fears and internalized expectations to some extent. For example, I am naturally a very driven, ambitious person; however, it was not until I had children that I learned how dysfunctional corporate life can be for working mothers or dual-career families. Also, I underestimated the time, attention and support children need when they grow older. All the time I was grief-stricken by not SAHMing when they were infants, it seems, was a bit for naught because their demands continue and are more complex now.
BUT ...
This way of life is somewhat isolating. There are very few well-educated, former corporate moms who have downshifted to better care for school-age kids/homefront I've encountered. The isolation, I think, is a bit of the sting.
Secondly, despite the inanities of corporate life, I am STILL such a striver and go-getter. Sometimes I see positions I'm well-qualified for and almost drool because they seem like such a perfect fit. I think of the money I'm "leaving on the table" and then realize how that job would decimate the peace and contentment we've achieved in our household these days.
For example, today I was contacted about a great opportunity and am on the fence about whether or not I should even talk to them. The award-winning/educated side of me screams "Yes," but the wife and mother in me yells "no."
Last edited by hautemomma; 06-26-2014 at 03:56 PM..
I don't have children (yet), but what you're describing may very well be me in a few years.
What I am curious about is why is the "rat race" so important? There's a reason why it's called the rat race.
VintageGirl,
Oh, the rat race is absolutely not that important to me. In fact, it's the opposite of the way I want to live out most of my days. But the superficial appeal of it has been ingrained and conditioned into me. I cannot lie about that. Part of it, I believe, is that I was/am so "good" at it. It became a larger part of my identity than I think I want to admit, but I know that's not truly who I am.
I went through the same feeling a few years back. I felt I was neglecting my desire for success. I ended up switching from a flexible schedule to full time stressful career path. I realized I made a mistake a few months in.
Hind sight is always 20/20, really weigh how you feel. Your happiness is important.
It seems like we cross paths in threads somewhat regularly.
What did you end up doing? Quitting the job? Staying with it?
Are there jobs or volunteer opportunities out there that can let you do both? I'm under no illusions that "having it all" is realistic at best, but there has to be a way to mix the two. Do you volunteer at their school? PTO/PTA? What was your career if you don't mind me asking?
I feel very much the way you do. I stayed home when my children were young, and now that they are school age, I feel like I should have flip flopped it and worked while they were younger. I got my degree when my second child was 3. I pursued the career (Dental Hygienist) I did so that it would allow me flexibility. I can work part time and still make great pay, plus I genuinely love what I do. That was important to me and while this career path has NOT been easy due to many factors, I couldn't imagine doing anything else.
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