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Another "abusive" job situation post and looking for some advice. I'm working in a really dysfunctional work environment and it's done a lot of damage to me (from actions of others, and admittedly, my own boneheaded goals and actions). I have a little over 6 months of expenses saved up, past experience with some pretty good companies, etc. Cons are that my job skills have gotten stale by not keeping up with them, my health and habits are a mess from dealing poorly with the stress of this job, etc. Worked here for about 2 and a half years. Headquarters of a big national corporation.
I've been trying to follow the advice of "don't quit until you find a new job", but I'm so exhausted by this situation that it's been incredibly difficult to pull it off.
Here's the situation. It's pretty complex, so bear with me:
My manager is like some sort-of corporate "psychopath". When I first worked there she lied to me about who she was: presented herself as being really simpatico with my values, interests, ideas, etc. Now that I know her better I realize it was a complete fabrication of her personality. She's sexually harassed me, tried to get way too close to me ("we have everything in common, we're like the same person!"). I got really creeped out when she told me that, so I started distancing myself from her a little bit, which is what caused my problems here.
Apparently she likes to collect minions to do her bidding, which is basically being a source of attention for her (sexual for guys, clones for women). She also sends her minions to attack her enemies, like one of my colleagues who she led a campaign against: this colleague was slandered with gossip, rumors, scapegoating, public humiliation, etc., and it was really messed up to watch go down, like a pack of jackals ripping apart a gazelle or something. After a year of this treatment my colleague ended up having a nervous breakdown and quit. I was one of my manager's minions until I got wise to the fact that she was a pathological liar with serious mental issues.
Anywho, so I distanced myself from her a little bit and she led a campaign against me. Co-workers began to insult me to my face at my desk. They'd harass me as they'd walk by my cubicle. My manager would sabotage my work (and her changes were recorded on the system, which was a stupid thing to do ... stupid if there were any consequences for it, that is). She'd threaten to write me up for things that never happened. She attempted to create this alternate reality that I was incompetent at my job, and I had to fight really hard to demonstrate that her accusations were untrue since I'm one of the best people there.
Due to this campaign I'm isolated from all of my co-workers: every day I go in there I can't speak to a single soul because I have a black mark on me. If I attempt to talk to anyone I'll get **** from them. Backhanded insults, weird faces made at me, all sorts of weird crap. It's unnerving! There were friendly people to me, but each time someone was friendly to me, they'd come in one day looking really sick and miserable, and they wouldn't really talk to me anymore. I can only assume this clique got to them, because that's how I've witnessed things working here. Other co-workers noticed this clique thing going on, but now they won't really talk to me anymore. It's like some kind-of weird British horror movie where you begin to realize the town you're staying in is run by a cult.
But wait, there's more: the director of my department is just as bad as my manager. She sort-of sexually harasses me... I don't think she wants to have sex with me, but she's a really insecure woman, so she likes getting attention from me because I'm hypothesizing that it makes her feel valuable and powerful. Plays with her bra in front of me, shows off her legs in stockings, does sexy poses when she's talking to me. She put my cubicle right outside her office and she watches me like a hawk. If I show any single ounce of disinterest in her she starts bugging the hell out and it's just unnerving to be around.
My director can be incredibly cruel and manipulative and seems to really delight in insulting and humiliating me in meetings and in front of co-workers, and some of those people choose to treat me the way my director treats me because that's a part of human nature. I feel like there's a sort-of BDSM psychosexual thing going on here and it creeps me the hell out. It's a real great environment to be in.
Other things that happened:
I tried to report all the abuse my manager was engaged in to my director back when I believed my director's spiel that she was a sweet, cute, innocent woman, and my director told my manager about it, then my manager pulled me into a meeting and threatened my job about it. Boasted how she got my colleague to quit (the one mentioned above), and that she could do "much worse" to me than she was already doing, etc.
Anyway, my manager pulled out this massively huge stack of papers that she called "my file" (and it was total bullcrap because there's nothing I've done there that would justify a half-foot stack of papers to be a file) and said I could get fired if she filed them with HR. I reported back to my director about these threats, and my director covered up for my manager: she showed me the file, but instead of being a half-foot tall and it being all my own stuff, it was 1/4th the size it was "everyone's file". I pointed out the discrepancy and the director did some circumlocution and sent me on my way. My manager and director are working in concert here, and my co-workers are either part of this clique, avoid it like the plague because they're smart, or they've been beaten into submission by them. Good stuff. Other people have noticed this stuff, too, and we've shared notes on it, so it's not some figment of my imagination.
HR isn't much of a help. I tried reporting the issues to them, but the HR guy lied to me. He said he talked to one of my co-workers and my director about me being called a "***" at my desk, and I asked that co-worker if the meeting happened, and he said it didn't. And my director said it didn't happen, either. Then the HR dude was like, "don't tell anyone because it could hurt my reputation."
The HR guy also threatened me because I told my director the bullying problem at my job was like a "ticking timebomb" because four people had quit the month earlier, and other people were talking about quitting, so he said that it could be construed as me planning on bombing the company. "Well, you never know, huh?" Which is complete horse****, particularly since I was trying to help them deal with a serious problem.
My director and manager also partnered me with one of my manager's key minions who does her bidding (ignores me when I try to talk to her about projects, makes weird faces at me when I try to discuss a job with her ... yeah, for real!, she'll turn her back on me when I try to approach her about something). They won't let me team with someone else because I think that's the whole point of why they partnered me with her. Whenever I bring up issues about her behavior towards me, they tell me I'm imagining it all, and it's like ... I've had other jobs before where I got along fine with co-workers, as if I can't tell the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. And my manager rewards my teammate whenever she does crap like that to me: her cubicle is filled with presents and all sorts of things given to her by my manager and my manager's minions. I don't think my teammate understands she's being used, because the same thing happened to me: when I unwittingly did my manager's bidding (say, attacking one of her enemies she'd slander, and I believed the slander and got mad about it), I'd get drinks bought for me at happy hours, new projects, etc. It's pretty twisted stuff.
There's too much more to list. Way too much. This isn't even the tip of the iceberg of the things I've seen and experienced here. It goes all the way to the top and throughout all departments. It's basically a hopeless situation other than leaving.
And scene.
So do I keep sticking it out? Every Sunday before I go back I get freaked the hell out about going back to that environment. It's like entering this dark alternate dimension where I'm this disgusting failure as a human being, ostracized, walking on eggshells, can't talk to anyone, and I'm completely powerless against the bizarre and obnoxious treatment by my co-workers. Whenever I stand up for myself things get better for about two weeks, then things get much, much worse.
I only have 2-3 hours of free time after I get home (generally get home at 7:00 pm, have to go to bed by 10:00 pm since I have to leave the house early due to a long commute). So in those 2-3 hours I have to cram in things like making dinner, personal responsibilities and chores, unwrapping my mind from the day's insanity, and applying for jobs (which I'm really behind on because I've let the stress of this situation take over my life over the past year and a half).
Am I a weak-willed Millennial who wants to be pampered because I'm having a hard time dealing with this? I've seen people run screaming from this place. Four people quit my department over the past two months. I watched one colleague get a smaller dose of this treatment and she had a friggin' nervous breakdown over it and quit on doctor's orders.
Advice would be great. Thanks!
Your manager is certifiably nuts. I don't see how anyone could work under these conditions. This sounds like toxicity extraordinaire.
Please try to find another job first. I know it's easier said than done. It won't get any better and I can tell you this after working a job that I loved for eleven years, but hated the environment at times. I thought it was office politics and nepotism. I made very good money and my benefits were awesome. I wanted to retire from there as it was my dream job.
If you're in a state that has Anti Workplace Bullying laws, look into that. My state is an "at will" state and employers can pretty much do whatever they want to you unless you're in a "protected class". (gender discrimination, sexual harrassment, racial etc.)
I filed a complaint against my employer (supervisor) for hostile work environment and something else which I forget now. lol I filed with the Human Relations Commission of my state and city. There was no HR department in my company. I did write a letter to the "Board of Trustees" which did nothing because that's all political. It took a year and a half and I did not win my case.
All of the trouble always originated from one woman/girl. Her Daddy was the head of the Union. She was the office clown and gossip. No of us would go up against her because of politics. I wasn't her only target... she took turns at all of us. She was the funniest person you'd ever meet, but she is also the most cruel person I've ever known in my 57 years. There was no subject that was sacred or off limits to her.
Do your health a favor and do whatever you can to get out of there. I'm now on Disability because of health problems and definitely still am not over what was done to me. I used to walk on my lunch hour for some peace of mind. That was two years ago.
I called at least 10 lawyers and none of them would touch it. I even documented my last year there.
I didn't realize it was Workplace Bullying until after I quit. It's disgusting that adult bullies are childhood bullies that just get meaner and more manipulative with age. They are psychopaths.
My heart goes out to you. I hope that you can pull the strength to find another job soon!
If you read this whole thing you would've seen that I said every one of my other jobs was fine. This is a unique situation. I never once said or even mentioned that "everyone in my life" was abusive to me. My parents were, and it's relevant because it tapped into a side of my thinking that I had forgotten a long time ago.
You're trying to give me "advice" from a judgment that you basically pulled out of your butt. I think you have a victim blaming complex.
You seem to be able to somewhat stand up for yourself here, so replicate that in real life. Don't quit until you have a new job lined up.
Victim blaming complex? I just find it hard to believe that so many women are sexually harassing you. It just sounds far fetched.
Since you're on thin ice, as a tribute to mistreated employees everywhere, why not document every stinkin' thing and file a hostile work environment complaint with the EEO office? You can record them, video them... ALL of them. Save emails from HR. I'd own that place. (sounds good on paper)
Look, they have you on the run. They know it. It's as if you have no rights and you're giving them the ability and power to drive you into a nervous breakdown. Sounds like a sick bunch of sadistic morons. I'd document and file and at least a future employer can read over the torture you're being put through when they bad-mouth you to him. Because when you told me why you left your last job and you tell me the stuff that's in your OP? I'll be wondering why you didn't file against them.
You seem to be able to somewhat stand up for yourself here, so replicate that in real life. Don't quit until you have a new job lined up.
Victim blaming complex? I just find it hard to believe that so many women are sexually harassing you. It just sounds far fetched.
I learned how to stand up for myself at this job, so that's a plus. I've definitely grown and changed a lot after working here.
It's only two so it's not like an amazing number. When I was in elementary school girls would follow me home or show up unannounced at my door, so maybe I just have something about me. My two older brothers have it, too, so maybe it's a family thing... my brother calls it the "lookingforadvice20202 family charm".
Anyway, I was a dummy about it here because I was lonely and sort-of welcomed the attention (being naive and unaware that it's more about power than anything else). My director looks like a young Phoebe Cates, so I was definitely tempted by the attention, I can tell you that. Lesson learned: keep it in your personal life.
I'm starting to have suicidal ideation. I spend 45-50 hours a week at this place, plus two hours commuting, and the stress has eaten away at me. I'm so deep in the hole here it's not even funny ... I have so much work to do to clean myself up, get my health together, redo my portfolio, send out resumes, buy new suit, reconnect with my network, etc.
I was an idiot because I let this situation take over my life, and a lot of it was because I had no clue what was even happening to me. I never thought things like this could even happen, perhaps I was too naive about people. I'm wiser now, though, I can tell you that.
If I were in your position I would quit immediately.
I know the stress makes the situation seem insurmountable, but once you are no longer spending 45-50 hours per week there plus the commuting time, the stress will most likely subside relatively quickly. "Cleaning yourself up," buying new clothes, etc can be done in 1-2 weeks of recuperation time, and your health will begin to recover when you are no longer subjecting your body to that kind of stress.
IMO, it is great that you have 6 months of expenses and this is a situation where I would just make the leap. The job market is better now than it has been in years, and since you have a relatively stable-sounding employment history, this could be the right time to make a leap.
Good luck!!
Also, I wouldn't worry about any damage to your professional reputation from these people. Chances are, if they are this dysfunctional in the workplace setting, they are not the sort of people that are well-connected (or well-respected) in the world at large. And, people like this who enjoy making others suffer tend to lose interest in their "victims" once they are no longer in a position to be abused.
If the abuse happens as often as you say, then you should record it.
Get a wireless webcam and install it where it records everyone who interacts with you in your cubicle. If you get called into a meeting, turn on the recording function on your cell phone. Do not post it anywhere, just keep it for your security. Documenting things is a he said, she said sort of thing. Recordings don't lie.
Talk to a lawyer about a separation agreement that includes severance pay, ability to collect unemployment and a promise to not provide a negative reference. You could also agree not write a review on glassdoor or other employment websites.
If you get fired "for cause", file for unemployment and use the recordings to show a hostile workplace and harassment. This will help you qualify for unemployment while you look for a job.
This sounds a lot like high school. A bunch of girls form a clique and work together to torment someone, though it is usually another girl. However, I've seen over and over gain companies with management and workers who never seemed to grow out of high school.
This sounds a lot like high school. A bunch of girls form a clique and work together to torment someone, though it is usually another girl. However, I've seen over and over gain companies with management and workers who never seemed to grow out of high school.
Yeah, I have no idea why they chose to do this to me. My theory is that this is a culturally conservative place and I'm really out of place here. It's in the deep suburbs of NJ and I definitely had a better go at things when I lived in NYC. I'm more a liberal arts type dude, I guess, and to some people around here that codes as "not a real man" ... you know, because watching football and being a douche to people is the end all be all of one's sex.
After this I'm moving back to New York City, New Jersey ain't the place for me, and I left it the first time for a good reason, apparently.
Go higher up than manager and director, actually before that WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN AS IT HAPPENS. Sexually harassed? Note the date and time and reason, etc. Insulted? Date and time noted. Keep doing this for about a month.
Make two copies of that, give one copy to HR and say that this is all that's happened in the past month, can you do something about it? If you have a long list of grievances plus a note stating the employee laws, HR will have to be inclined to help you. If you're suddenly fired for this, this is termination based on retaliation. That would be illegal.
In that case, go to the CEO or the manager and director's boss give them a copy and say: " this is what happened for the past year, this past month is just a snapshot, these are the employee laws so I know that the laws are being violated, AND when I reported it to HR, I got terminated for retaliating, also against the law. Can you look into this? I would hate to sue".
If the CEO won't say or do anything, well you have the original document right? File a complaint with the Labor Board, ACLU, and/or EEOC and sue their pants off
Ummmm.....None of this provides a paycheck, and lawyers want paid. Also, you do have basic expenses to maintain, while lawsuits can drag on for year
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My two older brothers have it, too, so maybe it's a family thing... my brother calls it the "lookingforadvice20202 family charm". 
