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Background
I started this job 14 months ago and chose it over several other options because I really liked the culture and the manager I worked with.
Well, 2 months ago, my old boss who hired me had to quit his job and move back to his native country of Japan due to personal family issues (sick parents and he needed to be closer to take care of them).
Long story short, my small team (me and one other girl) get a new manager. I knew her a little bit outside of work from a friend of a friend and I knew she had talent at her job, so I was excited for her to join.
Fast forward to last week, 1 month, I am already having conversations with her about me not respecting her as a manager and her trying to prove that she is talented in our field.
Context
Now before you just judge me, I do want to add some context. I was in my role for over a year and received ZERO (read: none) negative feedback about my behavior or my performance and before my manager left, he told me that he really wanted to promote me and my coworker if he could get the extra budget in time.
I should say my old manager was a nice guy, but super blunt, to the point and was definitely no push over. He would disagree with me and my coworker, overrule us, let us know direct feedback about any project and he would say "good job" once every 3 or 4 months after we worked our tail off. But we knew he appreciated it anyway.
I just want to emphasize the fact that the guy had a lot of backbone, knew when to take control, never let his team drown, even in front of executives (always had our back) and encouraged us to take ownership of our roles and just report the high level stuff to him every 3-4 weeks.
In fact, even with VPs in the room, he always told us if we felt like we could back up our opinions or we heard something wrong, disagree and challenge them (which we did and ultimately earned us a lot of respect, even if we were wrong). The culture built was around accountability, program management and building respect.
Now What
Back to my new boss: since day one she has acted like a small fish in a big pond. When people ask her questions (even questions that you would know the answer to outside of the organization) she always defers to me or my coworker. In meetings when people challenge me or my coworker, she basically sits there quiet, too afraid to say anything. When we joke about moving meetings because they are boring (again, as an obvious joke) she always just agrees and basically conforms to what we say. To be frank, she just lacks the ability to lead.
Now: we are having this conversation during one of my worst work weeks ever and easily my worst day at work ever (which she clearly knew). While I handled it well, in my mind I was questioning her management judgement to bring up things that she felt made her feel inferior from 2-3 weeks prior and not addressing those things in our weekly meetings together sooner.
I feel like I am walking on egg shells with this manager. I dont feel like she has enough confidence in herself to let us challenge her like my old manager (and believe me, we do a very good job at trying to pamper her). I constantly, consciously think about everything I do and say to make sure I don't hurt her feelings or offend her.
I also now hear feedback that in her previous job she had to come in and manage someone who had already been there and quit after just 3 months because that person made her feel bad about herself and rejected her as a leader. On top of that, a former coworker of hers let me know in a previous job they wouldn't let her directly manage people because she had a chance an her team basically started disrespecting her because she's a yes man and showed no thought leadership or confidence.
My question is, what do I do now? I literally feel sick to my stomach about the situation and about my job. If she is already questioning 3 weeks in whether or not I respect her as a manager and has had these known issues in the past, what can I really do to resolve the situation now? I have already apologized profusely and let her know to always tell me immediately when she feels like I am undermining her, but now everyday I feel like I am walking on eggshells and I consciously think about how I react to everything and make sure I am super nice every time I talk to her. That's not respect and that's not leadership from her.
I really just feel like some people have leadership skills and some don't and thats okay...but those people shouldn't be applying for director management roles. I have really toned down a lot of what I have been taught about owning it and getting myself out there. Its as though she wants us to lay down, not say anything so that everyone will just assume she is in control.
Last edited by gothedistance909; 04-01-2015 at 09:24 PM..
Sounds like a sour situation. If she has had these known problems in the past, maybe let it play out for a while and discuss with her manager to see what he can do. Otherwise, I say jump before all of your relationships are destroyed.
The issue with many companies, they promote someone who is good at what they do or promote who has been with the company a long time. The issue is, many of those people simply just do not have leadership skills. Just because they are good at what they do doesn't mean they were meant to lead. Some people assume that as soon as they get that title, they suddenly know how to lead. LMFAO.
Is it possible to transfer to a different dept. or a different team who have better leadership? If not, you might have to sit down with her and explain to her what you are about and what you expect her as a leader and come to an understanding of each other's expectation. Ask her if she can meet those standard as a leader. Can she work with you? If she can't, start looking elsewhere. If you are really good at what you do and your company doesn't want to lose you, you might have some leverage but what to do with that leverage, it's up to you
You're trying to pick up with your new manager where you left off with your old one. Big mistake.
Your second mistake is believing things you're "hearing" about her in her previous job, and judging her based on that.
Your new manager is allowed a period where she is in her learning curve and looking to the people who report to her for guidance. And she is the new kid on the team, so trying to defend you both in meetings would not be wise.
You need to change your entire approach from what it was. Back off and stop challenging her because she's viewing that as disrespect. You haven't yet established a relationship with her where you can push back the way you did with your prior manager. Worry about the relationship first and see where it goes. I guarantee the odds of having the same relationship with any new manager that you had with your previous one are slim to none, because everyone is different and the dynamic between people is never the same.
The issue with many companies, they promote someone who is good at what they do or promote who has been with the company a long time. The issue is, many of those people simply just do not have leadership skills. Just because they are good at what they do doesn't mean they were meant to lead. Some people assume that as soon as they get that title, they suddenly know how to lead. LMFAO.
Is it possible to transfer to a different dept. or a different team who have better leadership? If not, you might have to sit down with her and explain to her what you are about and what you expect her as a leader and come to an understanding of each other's expectation. Ask her if she can meet those standard as a leader. Can she work with you? If she can't, start looking elsewhere. If you are really good at what you do and your company doesn't want to lose you, you might have some leverage but what to do with that leverage, it's up to you
Wrong question. The correct question is, can you work with her. She is the manager, not him/her, and he/she is going to have to adapt to her style.
Location: In a city within a state where politicians come to get their PHDs in Corruption
2,907 posts, read 2,068,439 times
Reputation: 4478
Quote:
Originally Posted by gothedistance909
Hi all,
Background
I started this job 14 months ago and chose it over several other options because I really liked the culture and the manager I worked with.
Well, 2 months ago, my old boss who hired me had to quit his job and move back to his native country of Japan due to personal family issues (sick parents and he needed to be closer to take care of them).
Long story short, my small team (me and one other girl) get a new manager. I knew her a little bit outside of work from a friend of a friend and I knew she had talent at her job, so I was excited for her to join.
Fast forward to last week, 1 month, I am already having conversations with her about me not respecting her as a manager and her trying to prove that she is talented in our field.
Context
Now before you just judge me, I do want to add some context. I was in my role for over a year and received ZERO (read: none) negative feedback about my behavior or my performance and before my manager left, he told me that he really wanted to promote me and my coworker if he could get the extra budget in time.
I should say my old manager was a nice guy, but super blunt, to the point and was definitely no push over. He would disagree with me and my coworker, overrule us, let us know direct feedback about any project and he would say "good job" once every 3 or 4 months after we worked our tail off. But we knew he appreciated it anyway.
I just want to emphasize the fact that the guy had a lot of backbone, knew when to take control, never let his team drown, even in front of executives (always had our back) and encouraged us to take ownership of our roles and just report the high level stuff to him every 3-4 weeks.
In fact, even with VPs in the room, he always told us if we felt like we could back up our opinions or we heard something wrong, disagree and challenge them (which we did and ultimately earned us a lot of respect, even if we were wrong). The culture built was around accountability, program management and building respect.
Now What
Back to my new boss: since day one she has acted like a small fish in a big pond. When people ask her questions (even questions that you would know the answer to outside of the organization) she always defers to me or my coworker. In meetings when people challenge me or my coworker, she basically sits there quiet, too afraid to say anything. When we joke about moving meetings because they are boring (again, as an obvious joke) she always just agrees and basically conforms to what we say. To be frank, she just lacks the ability to lead.
Now: we are having this conversation during one of my worst work weeks ever and easily my worst day at work ever (which she clearly knew). While I handled it well, in my mind I was questioning her management judgement to bring up things that she felt made her feel inferior from 2-3 weeks prior and not addressing those things in our weekly meetings together sooner.
I feel like I am walking on egg shells with this manager. I dont feel like she has enough confidence in herself to let us challenge her like my old manager (and believe me, we do a very good job at trying to pamper her). I constantly, consciously think about everything I do and say to make sure I don't hurt her feelings or offend her.
I also now hear feedback that in her previous job she had to come in and manage someone who had already been there and quit after just 3 months because that person made her feel bad about herself and rejected her as a leader. On top of that, a former coworker of hers let me know in a previous job they wouldn't let her directly manage people because she had a chance an her team basically started disrespecting her because she's a yes man and showed no thought leadership or confidence.
My question is, what do I do now? I literally feel sick to my stomach about the situation and about my job. If she is already questioning 3 weeks in whether or not I respect her as a manager and has had these known issues in the past, what can I really do to resolve the situation now? I have already apologized profusely and let her know to always tell me immediately when she feels like I am undermining her, but now everyday I feel like I am walking on eggshells and I consciously think about how I react to everything and make sure I am super nice every time I talk to her. That's not respect and that's not leadership from her.
I really just feel like some people have leadership skills and some don't and thats okay...but those people shouldn't be applying for director management roles. I have really toned down a lot of what I have been taught about owning it and getting myself out there. Its as though she wants us to lay down, not say anything so that everyone will just assume she is in control.
So you're longing for days when Daddy was around to protect you and your team.
Either you learn how to adapt to Mommy, or you will be frustrated, or worse yet gone.
True, I mean I have adapted significantly but its hard to tell if it's something that can be amended.
Once you identify yourself as a problem employee, it's hard to unring that bell. This is why the time to adapt significantly is when the new manager walks in the door.
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