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Maybe this should be in psychology as it's a personality thing and how to deal with it, but I'll try here.
I have multiple jobs (payroll and contract). I consider one of my W4 jobs to be my main job and I treat it as such as much as I can. I have taken time off from other jobs to make things happen at this one. My own business and my 1099 jobs are flexible enough that I can do them any time.
I've been at this main job 6 years now, long enough that I can see trends. It's a very small company and we all get along great. But the owner (I'll name them XYZ) takes issue with certain people in the company and will make their lives miserable until they either quit or XYZ decides to pick on someone else. I've watched XYZ push 3 people out of one position and XYZ's making the life of the 4th miserable right now. And XYZ's absolutely brutal, XYZ will cut them down in a meeting in front of everyone for simply asking a question. It gets to the point where any of us are afraid to step into XYZ's office to ask something.
XYZ makes very unreasonable demands of us, but we are so terrified of XYZ blowing up we somehow manage to make it happen. This of course lets XYZ think that it can always be done. It's to the point where it's almost impossible to say no to XYZ because they're so used to getting their way. We just say sure, and cry when they leave the room. Many times getting the job done last minute costs a fortune which will bite us in the butt later on.
I've been on XYZ's radar in the past but muscled through it. Things have been better in the past 2-3 years for me primarily because XYZ had the above person and one other. Things were so good it was scary - XYZ was actually confiding in me at times about the "issues" they were having with the other people.
Over the winter one person left and the second had a meltdown, so I am back to being the target again. I'm trying not to take it personally because it's happened before and to others, it just seems like right now it's more me.
Examples are:
- I'm given a deadline for a project and days before the due day I am asked "so I'll have this by the end of today right?". Because I'm so honest it kills me, I say "I'm actually almost done, but don't forget you gave me XX days to process this". And the reply is "so I'll have this by the end of today?". I enjoy getting things done early but with XYZ this is a slippery slope as it will now be expected all the time and it won't always be possible.
- I've actually had a lot more work given to me in the form of reports and budgeting. I'm in heaven because this is stuff I really love to do and it's more work for me which is great! But I'm already working the amount of hours per week that we budgeted as an average for the entire year and we haven't hit our busy season yet (I've billed 70 more hours this year than last in the same time frame). This is because of the additional work, but XYZ is for the first time in 20 years holding employees accountable to budgeting. In addition, when we did our original budget reports over the winter, XYZ handed them back to us for review before a meeting, and many of us found that our numbers had been changed. We changed them back but we were writing on printouts and have no idea of our changes ever made the final spreadsheets for the presentation.
- I've had numerous occasions when I've been given work to do. I get the job done and forward back to XYZ for approval. I never hear back but I'm 10 steps ahead in my work life by then. All of the sudden it hits their plate and it turns into a "got your work, don't like it, need changes - today". Other times I've been pulled into the office, given a list of things to do (also with a today deadline), run back to my office and scramble through it because I am due at another location in an hour. I'm sending files off to another person who's involved in the project, but I fire off the easy ones first while picking at the most difficult one as I can (which involves external emails). 45 minutes later a random email comes in from XYZ saying they're just waiting for this one item from me, which happens to be the most difficult one. I'm completely confused at this point because I was given a complete list, not just one, and now I wasted time digging up and sending out the "easy" files which didn't even need to be touched. Worst part of this is I'm in the office around 8am but need to be somewhere else at noon, and I'm getting these "today" issues at 11.
- At times I am given a project to do, spend hours on it over the course of the week, send it along for approval only to find that XYZ has also moved forward with it and found a solution they liked, 3 days earlier. Sometimes we find out that two staff members are working on the same thing and didn't know it.
- I am in charge of a section of our website. I've been given comments about it over the past 2 years that XYZ "hates" the layout. I've asked what they don't like about it and am brushed off. I've followed up with emails stating "I know you don't like the format of the website. When you are out surfing and see something you do like, can you please send it along to me so I can find out what they use and research that. Then I can see if our current solution will do that, or look for something else". I know full well that our free solution will probably not be able to do it and XYZ will not want to pay for a solution but at least I will have come up with something. But I never get a response so I am still left guessing as to what exactly they don't like about it, and at some point will be told I'm not doing my job because it's still the layout they hate. I am also given conflicting statements such as "there's too much stuff on there" and "you're going to have LOTS of new and exciting stuff, right?". To me, those statements contradict each other. When I ask for detail, I am given an ambiguous response and brushed off. Pushing them for more detail just aggrevates them so I don't, but it leaves me not knowing what to do.
- There is a portion of my job they used to do more. This has been pushed on me more and more and it is very difficult for me. In my review, I wrote up that I was seeking solutions for this portion as it is very difficult for me (it was not a part of the job when I was hired, and if I was seeking the job now and it was in the description I would probably not even apply). To be honest, I never applied for this job, I was asked to help and then offered a job with the company after a month, and given more duties over the years. This ONE piece is a real bear for me. Anyway, when I brought it up in my review, they literally started to read it out loud, waved their hand over my sheet as if to dismiss it, said "whatever, I know that" and proceeded to tell me I had to do ABC and DEF which directly relates to doing that same task I have an incredibly difficult time with. Instant panic attack!
- I feel that I spend so much time spinning my wheels on some of these issues that I can't do decent research on the website issue or other issues I have that mean a lot to them, but not enough to let me allocate time. Even something silly like keep my office clean takes a back seat, but it drives me nuts and I know it drives them nuts too. But when I have reports to do that have changing deadlines, I'm kind of stuck.
I'm actually worried about them as I've seen things get worse with time management on their end in the last two years. Things were always crazy but the last minute items just seem to get worse, when at the same time our crew has been phenomenal and we've actually added some staff so the work load has evened out a bit. But I'm at the point where I have to manage my own stress level and it's through the roof right now!
I almost think what I need to do is turn myself back into administrative assistant mode. A couple of other employees have said they are doing that and it's worked out "ok", not perfect but better than before. To the point where when I send a completed project along, I have to assume it will not meet standards and state "Here is the info you asked for. If you need changes please let me know by XX date so I can take care of it before your deadline." (not that we ever know the final deadline). I will also need to send an email following up in a few days "Just making sure you've had a chance to look over the items I sent you earlier". I have done this in a couple of instances and I still don't get a response, but at least I'll have a better paper trail.
I spend so much time right now writing things on calendars and the above method will take even more time but I think it's the only way to survive. My time is meticulously documented to the point where I've been asked to teach others how to document their time, so it's not like I don't have things to back me up. I do fear I will be called out for my "excessive" time this year though as they are being really particular about budgeting and costs, more so than ever.
Some days I think they are trying to get rid of me, but again, I've been in this boat before and I've seen it happen to others. I've come to the conclusion the owner is just not happy unless they have at least one person to pick on. The thing I am getting more right now is the look of utter disapproval, which kills me. I work so hard at this job and work so hard to make them happy (we all do) and I try my best to stay half a step ahead but find myself 10 steps behind.
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. And yes, I keep my eyes open for other work. I don't think things will get better on the owners part but I'm hoping I can manage things better on my end.
If you want more details feel free to message me, I don't want to put any industry specific info out there.
TLDR - how do I manage my boss without losing my mind?
Last edited by yesitis456; 04-17-2015 at 09:41 AM..
TLDR - how do I manage my boss without losing my mind?
(thanks for that)
I'm not practicing what I'm preaching here, but acceptance. There are a bazillion different people roaming the earth and that means a bazillion different personalities. They're not always going to get along, so we have to learn to accept what we cannot change and respond as best WE can. Act, not react. Somethin' like that...
This is more than just a matter of a rude boss. This is someone who rules by manipulation and fear and may even get a kick out of seeing people jump through hoops to keep her happy.
You cannot control this kind of person. All you can do is remain seriously committed to getting out of there.
Thanks for the responses. Skill set - I'm a jack of all trades so finding a job per se isn't the issue. I could actually work FT at my afternoon job, but it pays considerably less. I would be struggling financially at 40 hours a week and bored out of my mind to boot. And it would be harder to look for a job while doing that. None of my other jobs would give me enough hours at this time.
I keep my eyes open for bookkeeping jobs, and have put feelers out there with friends who know small business owners. I market myself towards those who can't afford to have someone in the office a certain amount of hours a week. I do have a couple of clients where I just work 2-3 hours a week for each of them. One of them I only see in person a couple of times a year, and that's often in a social setting, nothing to do with work. When he's busy, I'm busier.
The job that's giving me issues is very unique despite the stress. It's close to home, and much of my work can be done from home at any time. We have incredibly casual attire. The pay is decent. We have a 401K and holiday pay. Sometimes we'll get a random bonus. I've gotten regular raises each year I've been there in addition to a handsome year end bonus. This year was my lowest raise (percentage instead of a flat amount) because last year "wasn't good".... but I've been at my afternoon job since late 2010 and have not gotten a single raise so who am I to complain? The people I work with are wonderful. It's just the fear of never knowing what mood the boss is in when you walk in..... I think the fact that most people walk in and the first thing out of their mouth is "is XYZ here?" is telling.
Funny thing is, I had told the boss last year I was planning on quitting the afternoon job in 1-2 years so I'd have more time to devote to this job. And not that I'd spend more time, but it would give me more flexibility in those "need today" moments. I was actually late to the other job twice in 2 weeks due to "need today issues", which is just wrong IMO. They know I have the other job and when I leave; to force me to stay because they didn't look at what I sent till the last minute - ugh! I'd still love to do that, it would be a bit less money but a lot less stress BUT it would put too many eggs in one basket for my comfort. I fear I'd be beat up even more if they knew I didn't have that other cushion behind me. There was another PT position they were looking to fill in our office, about 10 hours a week that would have been right up my alley, but again I feared putting too much there. 5 years ago I may have done it, not today.
So, finding a new job isn't the issue as much as finding something that meets my needs, which are a bit unique at this time in my life. I know something is out there, I just have to unearth it. I do really like the flexibility of multiple jobs and love being close to and working from home. I always say that when I have a rotten day at one job, I don't have to go back there the next day, and it's almost true lol
I have had coworkers in the past I didn't get along with. A couple of times I've sat down with them and said "listen, we don't have to like each other but we do have to work together so let's at least learn to tolerate each other". It's worked extremely well. I cannot see doing it successfully with this person though. I don't even think they realize the impact they have on moral and people in general. I also know of two former best friends they have cut ties with over nothing, I mean really petty disagreements that were in the "agree to disagree" category. The thing that worries me is that it seems to be getting worse, and there has been more than one occasion of an outburst in the past year towards an employee in front of outside vendors. When asked if they could please step to the side and discuss it quietly, the incident just escalated. Nothing could be done to calm things down until the boss was finished yelling. And to watch them snap at someone viciously and then be sincerely nice to the next person is kind of creepy. Usually when I'm in a bad mood and snap, it's hard to pull back and be visually in a good mood to others. Polite yes, but there's always that bit of tension until I can work it out internally. Most people I know are like this. The boss though, seems to easily swing back and forth between the two.
anyeye - thanks, yes I do have to get better at acting vs reacting. I am super sensitive to peoples moods so this type of behavior really drains me.
Your boss is a serial bully. They constantly have to have a target and manipulate. Everything they do is underhanded and they're incapable of empathy or compassion. I went for counseling 2 years into my job when I realized it was office politics. After I quit and did research, they're bullies. My boss had not 2 faces, but about 10!
They rarely give out praise. They get enjoyment from the psychological abuse they put their victims through. It's definitely a mental problem and they won't change.
Don't be like me, get out before you're physically and emotionally sick from this abuse, because that's what it is. Years of trying to cope in that environment will definitely do you and your health more harm than good.
You can't do anything about it unless you're in a protected class and if you work in an "at will" state, they can do what they want to you.
I thought I could "cope" and walked out after 11 years. You don't need coping skills, you need to look for a job in an environment that is not abusive.
Your boss is a serial bully. They constantly have to have a target and manipulate. Everything they do is underhanded and they're incapable of empathy or compassion. I went for counseling 2 years into my job when I realized it was office politics. After I quit and did research, they're bullies. My boss had not 2 faces, but about 10!
They rarely give out praise. They get enjoyment from the psychological abuse they put their victims through. It's definitely a mental problem and they won't change.
Don't be like me, get out before you're physically and emotionally sick from this abuse, because that's what it is. Years of trying to cope in that environment will definitely do you and your health more harm than good.
You can't do anything about it unless you're in a protected class and if you work in an "at will" state, they can do what they want to you.
I thought I could "cope" and walked out after 11 years. You don't need coping skills, you need to look for a job in an environment that is not abusive.
Good luck!
You hit the nail on the head. People like this do not change. I, too, worked in a corporation where my boss systematically would pick a target within the department and basically harass them until they quit; then she went on to the next one. One of my co-workers came to me after the latest one quit and told me she was afraid that she was going to become a target. To our good fortune, the company hired a director to head our department, so our boss now had direct reporting to someone as opposed to two people up the corporate hierarchy who were not seeing what was going on. Three months later, we had a corporate restructuring and our boss's position was eliminated - in large part because she was having a contentious interaction with her new boss and didn't like the changes happening within our department.
The only thing you can do in a situation wherein a boss is flying under the radar with abusive behavior is to know they will never change, and you either take the abuse and stress it creates, or you find another job. Even though companies have trained HR professionals and policies regarding abuse and harassment, know that no matter how well you document it and can prove it, HR departments work on behalf of the company, and not the employee. In small offices, employers usually get away with abusive behavior because they have an in or connection to the number one person.
It actually sounds like your handling it really well.
As you probably have already figured out, you are working for a tyrant. They are not going to change, simply because whatever they are doing succeeds for them.
The golden part in all of this is that you have been given responsibility beyond your original job description and therefore have more achievements you can use to find a higher level, higher paying position.
If it gets to be too much all you can do is start looking for something new. But keep in mind there are "personalities" everywhere you go.
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