Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
Reputation: 40635
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by MPowering1
While I agree the manager should not be mandating the attendance of either the wake or funeral, I'm stunned by some of the lame excuses I'm reading for not attending. The bereaved would be offended??? It's because the manager is part of a community? It's too religious?
Do some of you not know that people attend wakes and services or pay a shiva call when coworkers lose a loved one all the time and it's always appreciated? It sounds like there's ignorance around this.
Is there no such thing as etiquette anymore? (rhetorical question - no need to respond, I already know the answer)
Seriously. I think it is in bad taste to ask employees to do so, but I'd go if it is
I grew up Catholic (I'm devout atheist), but went to a wake and two shiva's this last year for co workers or former co-workers. Definitely appreciated.
Doing the right thing is usually better than doing what we want to do (if there is a difference).
While I agree the manager should not be mandating the attendance of either the wake or funeral, I'm stunned by some of the lame excuses I'm reading for not attending. The bereaved would be offended??? It's because the manager is part of a community? It's too religious?
Do some of you not know that people attend wakes and services or pay a shiva call when coworkers lose a loved one all the time and it's always appreciated? It sounds like there's ignorance around this.
Is there no such thing as etiquette anymore? (rhetorical question - no need to respond, I already know the answer)
For me etiquette is saying I'm sorry, or sending a condolences card or flowers as a department. (Which has already been done by the way). Etiquette is not attending the funeral/visitation services of someone you hardly know, much less their grandparent!
Seriously. I think it is in bad taste to ask employees to do so, but I'd go if it is
I grew up Catholic (I'm devout atheist), but went to a wake and two shiva's this last year for co workers or former co-workers. Definitely appreciated.
Doing the right thing is usually better than doing what we want to do (if there is a difference).
I really like the last line of your post and agree. In fact, I'd add, it's usually better and often harder than what we would like to do.
Quote:
For me etiquette is saying I'm sorry, or sending a condolences card or flowers as a department. (Which has already been done by the way). Etiquette is not attending the funeral/visitation services of someone you hardly know, much less their grandparent!
You would have had half the replies and debates on this had you simply stated in your initial post what you said here without all the excuses that followed.
It may not be correct etiquette, but it's your opinion and it would have been better to just state that, "I don't go to services unless I know the person very well." Probably the majority of replies would have been in support of you that the manager was off base and there would have been no debate about anything else.
I'd send a sympathy card but that's it. I don't even do well at family funerals to be honest. I just hate seeing how people look done up for funerals. I'd just cite that you can't do funerals.
For me etiquette is saying I'm sorry, or sending a condolences card or flowers as a department. (Which has already been done by the way). Etiquette is not attending the funeral/visitation services of someone you hardly know, much less their grandparent!
But etiquette can vary from place to place - meaning that where you're from, it would be etiquette to send a card or flowers, but not to attend the funeral, but in the community that you moved into, etiquette is attending the funeral. Maybe your boss is way off, but you said that she's lived there longer than you - she understands the community better than you.
Don't go if you don't want to go. But understand that going could actually improve your career in that company and in that community. If you are a part of a community that does that sort of thing for co-workers, then it will be noticed that you attended (and appreciated), and far worse, it will be noticed if you are a no show (and therefore you could be seen as a non-team member, or not invested in your company/coworkers, difficult, etc.).
It may not make sense to you. It may not seem fair. And certainly, a funeral seems like an inappropriate place to worry about career advancement, but ultimately, going by for a few minutes and paying your respects (religion doesn't play into this at all) could help advance your career or at least keep you in good graces with your boss and coworkers.
And for those who keep bringing religion into this, what does the religion matter? You're not there to pray to anyone's God, you're there as a show of support for the family/friends of the deceased (and in this case, apparently the community as well) and to pay your respects to the deceased. No one expects you to convert or be splashed with holy water or start speaking in tongues. Goodness gracious.
I think your manager is wrong to try to insist that you go. But I also think it is wrong not to go, if that is the company culture where you work. If you go to the viewing, there are no prayers, you just show up, sign the guest book, express your condolences and if you want, you can stand around and chat with co workers for a few minutes, otherwise you can just leave after that. You don't have to actually walk up to the coffin and "view" the deceased if you don't want it.
The reality is that you will be perceived as an outsider and not a good fit with the team if you don't go. Is it worth that to pay a simple condolence call to a bereaved coworker? It makes people feel a little bit better to see that there is a big turnout for these things - don't ask me why but I can say from personal experience that it does.
If you don't want to stay with this company, then don't bother. But if you hope for a possible future there, or at least staying there until you leave on your own terms, it's the smart decision to follow the company culture on these things.
I think your manager is out of line for insisting that you go.
That said, for the sake of my job, I would attend the wake. It's not that big of a deal, IMO. I would make sure to greet the supervisor, if I she is there. I would sign the guest book, offer my condolences to the co-worker, sit in the back, and leave after 5 minutes. No one will notice how long you stayed if you sit in the last row, near the doors.
It's important to pick your battles. Some things are not worth fighting over. You have to work with your supervisor everyday, so it's best to do whatever is reasonable to keep things cordial. I'm assuming you 1) don't want to end up on the shortlist for the next round of layoffs, and 2) want to get a decent reference from her when you're ready to move on to a new job.
It is not at all inappropriate that you go. In fact, most people I've worked with do go to the wake even if only for twenty or thirty minutes to pay their respects.
It's a matter of showing respect for someone you work with, it's not a matter of religion.
This is the right answer. Nothing wrong with going, but it shouldn't be forced. And religion has nothing to do with it.
Quit whining and go to the service. It won't kill you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
