Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Wow, husband is very selfish. Many families both hold jobs and manage to make sure everyones needs and wants are met.
For sick kids, another SHM or retired friend/trusted neighbor can save the day sometimes. My husband and I are the 3rd backup for friends and family with children. Handful of times parents have called in need of help picking up a sick child. Parents file papers with school and we can pick the kids up when parent's can't with a simple phone call. We have a flexible schedule so we help.
As for the sports and activities, car pooling works great. Most of the kids live within the same areas so most parents don't mind giving rides. And kids enjoy that extra time with friends.
As has been pointed out, we don't know the full situation here. But as a general rule, I'm of the mindset that once a husband and wife work out how they want to structure their family, that's the way it should go, unless and until (1) a major life change (such as a job loss) requires a change, or (2) the husband and wife jointly renegotiate their arrangement. But the default position should be whatever was originally agreed-upon.
So if the agreement was that the husband would work and the wife would stay at home, then they should stick with that. If they're both OK with re-working their lives so that the wife can get an outside job, then fine. But if not, then sorry dear, but stick to the deal you made. As another poster said, this is no more unfair than if the husband comes home one day and says "I don't feel like working anymore, so I'll stay home and you go out and find a job."
Though, in this particular case, as reported by the apparently biased sister, the husband does sound like a bit of a jerk. You can't just say "not my problem" when talking about your own kids! Maybe one of the kids falls sick on the same day that the mother was going to chaperone the other kid's class field trip. Should she just cancel and leave the class in the lurch? Or could the husband show a little commitment to his own family and take off work to stay home with this sick kid on that day?
Thing is she considered the position. She had her reasons why. Mothers know what they can do and can't do. Husband said no and the kids said no. What about what she wants? I've seen others go through the same situation and there was some regret while saying everything is fine. That's what mothers do.
Surely your sister and her husband came to a decision jointly about her leaving her full-time job to become a SAHM. There must have been reasons they decided that would be best for their family. Now she wants to potentially reverse that decision just because someone offered her a job? There are many implications when a SAHM returns to work. Not only does she give up control over her own work schedule, which she enjoys as a consultant, but arrangements will need to be made for things the kids need before and after school. It is something that she and her husband need to discuss and reach agreement on before she pursues it. I don't care for the way he worded it, but his concerns are valid. She is talking about flipping the script and it impacts the whole family.
This ^^^.
I was on the other side of this sort of situation. We were going to have careers....serious careers, and then when she got out of law school (on my dime) she couldn't cut it in the real world, the biological clock was ticking, and she saw an easy way out: have kids.
Our whole plan went to hell...and so did our marriage.
These...kids...are serious issues and you only get one shot at getting it right. You make a plan...he works; her career is a stay at home mom (or whatever). He maximizes his earnings by climbing the corporate ladder; brown-nosing; traveling...whatever it takes. She takes care of the kids. THAT's the deal.
Until one of the 'partners' decides they want something different.
Sorry. No do-overs in a matter this serious. Sister can work at home doing consulting until the kids are in in high school or graduate; then she can take another shot at a career. That's the deal that they made. Live with it.
So she should ruin her career because her family wants a chauffeur?
Unless she signed a prenup with her husband saying she would be a SAHM forever, she's spent enough of her life spoiling them. My own mother was a SAHM when I was a child and my father was an Archie Bunker type with stereotypical ideas of what women should do. Mom returned to the workforce over my father's trepidation when I (the oldest) was in 7th grade. I could easily see how much her life improved getting out every day among other adults with interesting lives. Eventually, my father did, too. Years later he didn't even object when he decided to retire but she still wanted to work. Yes, her working meant my responsibilities increased and daily life wasn't as easy for any of us kids or Dad as it was previously. But, guess what, we not only survived but we were better people for learning to fend for ourselves a bit.
If her husband can't handle this, they need marriage counseling.
Each family has to do what works for that family. I don't think it is spoiling your family to have one parent be around for them after school. Her career is not ruined because she turns down one job.
The biggest problem throughout this whole thread is that it is not entirely clear that the sister is truly unhappy and actually really wanted to take the job. From what I see, it's entirely possible that she had mixed feelings about it, and in the end, decided not to pursue it. Her husband's stated attitude is a big problem, but lots of people marry jackasses and just live with it. If she chooses to put up with him, that's her choice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc
OPs post is obviously very biased and offensive to those who actually know that even with your kids "at school all day" that a stay at home mom is only bored if she's unimaginative or someone who needs someone else telling her what to do all day. (But maybe that's what she meant)
OP, and other posters, are also not being fair to her husband. If she and her husband agreed that she would stay home, and now she is changing the rules and not taking their feelings into consideration, then SHE is the problem. What if her husband had come home from work say... 3 years ago ... and announced, "I don't feel like going into the office anymore. I'm going to be a stay at home dad from now on"... would that have been "fair"? Of course not.
Right on to the first paragraph, but the second is ridiculous in that it does not address a comparable situation. This is not the same as him quitting and staying home. Husband certainly would be within his rights to say that if she gets this job, he'd like to cut back or stay home. There's a whole pie that needs to be baked -- kids' needs, money, household, and parents' needs. The percentages of each parent's contribution can ebb and flow. If she can make 70K, maybe husband can cut back hours. Or change jobs. Maybe she could out-earn what his salary trajectory looks like. Just stating that one is going to do something (whether that means quit a job or refuse to pitch in with family needs) is ridiculous.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc
No, apparently ONLY she matters. The commitment she made, the plans they made together as a couple - none of that matters now that SHE has changed her mind. And apparently only SHE has a say in it. If he doesn't like it, then he's the problem, right?
I'm so tired of this women's lib carp. If you have a family, then you make decisions TOGETHER. You don't agree with a plan, then decide one day that it doesn't work and everyone else must adjust and do things your way.
The wife seems incredibly selfish here - though we are looking at her through sister colored glasses
I cannot take anyone seriously who uses the term "women's lib crap," (assuming you meant that, rather than the fish. Plans need to change. People's needs change. Someone can think they'll be happy at home (or in a particular job or career) and discover that they are not. If the person is in a position to do something about it, then they should. You only have one life. You better maximize your happiness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by incognitoe
LOL, if her man is making six figures, she'll have plenty of money for child support and spousal support.
Not necessarily. It depends on where they live and what their expenses are. There was a study a year or two ago about what a 'typical' American family would need for what was considered a middle-class life -- 2 decent cars (not luxury), a family vacation each year (not a luxury vacation), and a decent sized, safe home. The amount was $110K. So someone making $100K isn't even getting that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mitsguy2001
People need to forget about the gender issues. It is absolutely ridiculous to say that the husband is doing nothing for his family. He is working long hours and making a lot of money to support his family! Why do people here say that he isn't doing anything?
I do not understand why it is that our current society expects the husband to make all or most of the money and still do 50% of the housework. If the husband is making all or most of the money, then the wife should be doing most of the housework. If the wife is making all or most of the money, then the husband should be doing most of the housework.
The people who suggest a divorce are being completely ridiculous. The husband is doing nothing wrong, and he is being very supportive of his family. It's ridiculous that anybody would recommend a divorce when they are dealing with a challenge that can be solved. Every family is going to have challenges that they must be able to solve.
To the OP: this is entirely a decision that should be made by your sister and her husband, not by you. Every family chooses a different lifestyle. It's unfortunate how our society judges people no matter what decisions they make.
Furthermore, the family needs to have a plan in place. Since the husband makes more money than the wife, it makes sense to prioritize the husband's career. If the wife is going to work, she would be the one to leave work early to pick up the kids when they are sick. Gender is not a factor.
This is also another reason why jobs that expect extreme hours and offer zero flexibility can be dangerous. Such jobs make it very difficult for a spouse to start working if needed or desired.
No one expects the husband to make 100% of the money and do 50% of the household work. I don't know where you get that from. The problem is husband is not willing to make any modifications -- he's not willing to even attempt to make 60% of the money and do 20% of the work. His rigidity is the problem.
This is tough. I am a SAHM and have been for almost 19 years. For one, I think being a SAHM is devalued. People see no value in what we do, rather we are pictured as laying around all day watching soaps and eating bon bons while the house somehow miraculously cleans itself, dinner makes itself, and the kids take care of themselves. As if.
Two, once a family has grown used to this lifestyle, it is hard to shift gears. My husband works long hours at a very high paying job. He relies on me to handle the "home" end of stuff so he can focus on his work. As much as I would love to be able to go out and get a job (or have a life) of my own, it's just not going to happen at this point. I can set my own happiness and self-fulfillment aside to finish the job I started almost 20 years ago when I began to have children.
Parenting is about sacrifices. I have given up much over the years to stay home with my kids. It can be lonely and boring. But it's what works for our family, so I do it.
In your sister's case I can understand why the family would be in a snit. The kids want their mom (who doesn't?) and the husband doesn't want to have to share the family responsibilities for sick kids, etc. Your sister needs to decide what SHE wants to do WITH the best interests of everyone in mind. Being a family means making sacrifices, it just depends on who sacrifices what and when. When your sister gave up her job to be a SAHM she knew exactly what she was doing, and it is now up to her to figure out what she wants to do. But she really does need her family to be on board.
This is tough. I am a SAHM and have been for almost 19 years. For one, I think being a SAHM is devalued. People see no value in what we do, rather we are pictured as laying around all day watching soaps and eating bon bons while the house somehow miraculously cleans itself, dinner makes itself, and the kids take care of themselves. As if.
Two, once a family has grown used to this lifestyle, it is hard to shift gears. My husband works long hours at a very high paying job. He relies on me to handle the "home" end of stuff so he can focus on his work. As much as I would love to be able to go out and get a job (or have a life) of my own, it's just not going to happen at this point. I can set my own happiness and self-fulfillment aside to finish the job I started almost 20 years ago when I began to have children.
Parenting is about sacrifices. I have given up much over the years to stay home with my kids. It can be lonely and boring. But it's what works for our family, so I do it.
In your sister's case I can understand why the family would be in a snit. The kids want their mom (who doesn't?) and the husband doesn't want to have to share the family responsibilities for sick kids, etc. Your sister needs to decide what SHE wants to do WITH the best interests of everyone in mind. Being a family means making sacrifices, it just depends on who sacrifices what and when. When your sister gave up her job to be a SAHM she knew exactly what she was doing, and it is now up to her to figure out what she wants to do. But she really does need her family to be on board.
Maybe it is dad's turn to sacrifice. You don't know anything about what she agreed to when she quit her job. When I quit, my husband and I agreed it would be for 3 years. It turned into 5, but the expectation that I would go back was still there. I didn't sign up to stay home for 20 years. Maybe this mom didn't either.
Not worth the marginal gain in income. The family has a good system now and to stir that up just to make a little extra cash they don't even need is frankly selfish of the mother. She made a decision to be a SAHM for the kids, so she can wait until they're done with school to shake up the marriage.
I just don't understand this. If things are going well for everyone, why the sudden interest in changing things up? Is she bored? As mentioned earlier, she won't be making much more money than she already is, but everything else will change for everybody. The kids will lose part of their mother to her new job, and the dad's career will likely suffer some setbacks as he is forced to adjust to shoulder the sudden childcare workload. Dad suffers, kids suffer, all for Mom's new job.
It all seems very selfish. The kids will grow up and be done with school soon enough. She should wait until then imo. No one seems on board with this except the mother, so if she wants to press forward with it she should be prepared to face the inevitable problems that are going to come.
Not worth the marginal gain in income. The family has a good system now and to stir that up just to make a little extra cash they don't even need is frankly selfish of the mother. She made a decision to be a SAHM for the kids, so she can wait until they're done with school to shake up the marriage.
I just don't understand this. If things are going well for everyone, why the sudden interest in changing things up? Is she bored? As mentioned earlier, she won't be making much more money than she already is, but everything else will change for everybody. The kids will lose part of their mother to her new job, and the dad's career will likely suffer some setbacks as he is forced to adjust to shoulder the sudden childcare workload. Dad suffers, kids suffer, all for Mom's new job.
It all seems very selfish. The kids will grow up and be done with school soon enough. She should wait until then imo. No one seems on board with this except the mother, so if she wants to press forward with it she should be prepared to face the inevitable problems that are going to come.
This is crap. Things are fluid. Not all SAHM's plan to stay home until the last kid is out of the house. Many, many moms go back to work when the kids go to school. I don't understand why anyone would assume that it is all or nothing. You don't know what the plan was when she decided to stay home. It almost doesn't matter. Things change. Kids grow. Their needs change. Life with a baby and a toddler is infinitely different than life with 2 teens. There is no reason a parent needs to forego working that entire time.
The most selfish attitude I saw was the dad's for being totally unwilling to even discuss how it might work (according to the op).
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
