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You do not have to be "extremely FRIENDLY and EXTROVERTED and GOOD AT SMALL TALK." You just have to make an effort at those things, in moderation, without seeming condescending. The fact that you are SHOUTING those terms indicates to me a certain disdain on your part that you might well be projecting to your co-workers.
Do you look at people when you speak? Do you initiate conversations? Do you wish people a good morning or say good night when you leave for the day? Do you smile back when people make eye contact with you?
Do you introduce yourself to people you don't know? If you have to carry paperwork to another department or go to a meeting where you don't know everyone, do you tell the people you're doing business with your name and where you work? If you expect to have future business with another person, do you give them a business card with your contact info? Don't make people have to work to find you.
Do you ask about people's families or their special interests once in awhile? Do you ever pay someone a compliment? "I saw your new car out in the parking lot. It's really nice." If you know a co-worker has been having problems do you offer any help? When something good happens to someone (they have a baby, get a promotion) do you extend congratulations? If one of your close co-workers is bereaved do you offer your sympathy?
Do you attempt to participate in any water fountain conversations like talk about sports or a popular TV show? I've never seen Game of Thrones in my life but I'm capable of asking a fan, "Tell me why you like that show." Or you could even make a joke about your lack of knowledge. "When you have a Bachelor who plays Call of Duty make sure to let me know so I can say something intelligent about that program." And laugh when you say it, don't make it sound like an insult.
Do you show up, however briefly, at office gatherings like pizza parties or donuts for breakfast? Don't take a piece of pizza and carry it back to your desk. Eat with the others and participate in their conversation, no matter how stupid you may think it is. When there's a potluck, bring something, even if it's a pie you bought.
Do you sign cards that come around? Do you buy a box of Girl Scout cookies or one of those candy bars school kids are always selling? Do you contribute to group gifts, for instance chipping in for flowers if someone has a death in the family? Don't be a cheapo. Consider a donation an investment in your success at work.
You don't even have to talk about yourself. Ask simple, innocuous questions. And listen to the answers. If you ask someone if they have kids and they name a number or give you a name, remember that. "What grade is Jake Jr. in this year? Does he like school?" Yeah, I get it, you don't really care. But people will respond to you better if you take some interest, however superficial, in their lives. A simple question such as, "Do your kids play any sports?" can elicit a conversation the other person might enjoy.
Volunteer to sit on work committees. People appreciate volunteers. If you really want to improve your work-related social skills, join a networking group or an organization that has something to do with what you do for a living. Go to Meetup.com for your area and look under "Career & Business." Or if you really want to work on communication, there's always the Toastmaster's group. I quote, "The mission of a Toastmaster Club is to provide a mutually supportive and positive learning environment in which every member has the opportunity to develop communication and leadership skills, which in turn foster self-confidence and personal growth."
I've suffered enough from living in this extroverted culture. It's so outgoing it's annoying. People need to shut the hell up lol. If they don't like my personality, I'll just quit and stay at home. Or live in a van. A van costs virtually nothing to maintain. I don't need to work to survive.
One of the best posts in this thread. Books like "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and their ilk, encourage "ulterior-motive behavior", and phony friendship. I would rather deal with an honest grouch than a cheerful glad-hander any day, and every day, of the week...
Before you get too carried away thinking this author validates your views, she also talks about the values of extraversion in her book.
Do you seriously believe, that only introverts keep the world going?
Ever heard of the saying "the whole is more than the sum of its parts"?
I've worked with introverts before. They are good workers. But my problem with them were always how they were unwilling to volunteer info. Yes, I know it's in their nature to not be talkative. But at least try to work as a team. If I ask a question about something, don't give me single line answers (aka the absolute minimum amount of info). Talk to me. Tell me what I want to know plus relevant info that I wasn't aware but might be pertinent to what I'm trying to find out.
One time, I was going to do some calculations for the work that I do. My mom had to go to the hospital so I left early. When I came back a couple days later, I asked the introvert of my office if anyone did the calculation when I was gone? He said "no" and that was it. So, I started doing the calculation myself. Half way through and I found out when I was gone it was determined that it was unnecessary. So, while his answer was exactly what I was asking for, his disdain for "small talk" wasted my time. He could have said "no, oh yeah we decided while you were gone that the calc wasn't necessary".
I've come to learn not to depend on introverts. I suspect many others feel the same way I feel. How can you claim to be a good worker when you hate to be part of the team? As the previous poster said, we might as well import someone from India to do the job if we don't want any interaction.
I think that person is a poor communicator AND and introvert so maybe you had a double issue there. I've worked with people like your co-worker and also with introverts who are a bit more open once you get to know them.
Im snarky right now bc ur frustrating me and not even trying to see where im coming from
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Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Here's the thing I have learned as an introvert myself:
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Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
What will you do with that realization? ...
What is your goal, REALLY, knowing the reality as you have presented it?
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Originally Posted by bell235
so what am i supposed to do?
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Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
There's a lot you can do, and none of it requires you to be "untrue to your self."
Hmm.
I spent the first half of my day out of the office "understanding where you're coming from," asking clarifying questions and even offering concrete suggestions. Then when you continued to spend the rest of the day brushing off with contempt anyone who had helpful advice that didn't support your rant, I called you on it.
Others have even suggested ways to serve your introvert need to "be alone" (which is more anti-social than introverted but whatever ...).
It really sounds like all you want to do is be pissed because you don't work in a bubble accessed by a tunnel from your house.
i agree. it's just frustrating when i'm in a meeting with a few people and i start to speak but because i'm quiet and rarely speak my mind, i get cut off right away and can't even finish a thought! also i've had some great ideas that i express that get overlooked because i'm quiet. then afterwards someone will say "you know what, you were right" after they realize my idea was the correct one... and i'm like yeah no kidding maybe you should listen to me in the first place sometimes! ok rant over lol
That was my situation exactly-only I was the only female engineer in a sea of ex-navy nuclear engineers just by virtue of the fact that their voices projected louder than mine I felt defeated (exhausted) before I could even get started. Does anyone ever happen to watch the McLaughlin Group? Do you notice how often Elinor Clift gets drowned out by the other male voices? She's quite brilliant and insightful- but sadly overshadowed. The same goes for any roundtable discussion-it's always the loudest- not the smartest or the one with the correct answers that gets the most attention- (TRUMP....) Thank god I was given a golden parachute- now I make three times as much as those idiots as a consultant working from home in my sweatpants. Yeah me.
Others have even suggested ways to serve your introvert need to "be alone" (which is more anti-social than introverted but whatever ...).
It really sounds like all you want to do is be pissed because you don't work in a bubble accessed by a tunnel from your house.
Well, sometimes that's the translation.
For me, that's rather how i feel, except I don't need a tunnel for 24/7.
What I need are breaks in the day where I spend it in quiet areas, which don't exist where I work, and I can't manufacture them, literally, without I go sit in some closet.
There are workplaces like this that exist - I remember reading about one in the middle of a discussion like this, where some person was explaining it "oh, there's a couch in the bathroom from which some people have worked; there's a stairwell; I've spent some time working in the cab of my truck" -
And then another person said, "srsly? Have y'all stopped to think about what people are doing in bathrooms? You've accepted that it's A-OK and in fact normal, for people with theoretically nice office spaces, to need to lurk regularly around parking lots and p!ssoirs in order to have enough peace and quiet to get work done? I think y'all have got undiagnosed PTSD, 'coz that ain't normal, and I would in fact call that a dysfunctional workspace."
Before you get too carried away thinking this author validates your views, she also talks about the values of extraversion in her book.
Do you seriously believe, that only introverts keep the world going?
Get real.
'She?' Andrew Carnegie?
I've read his book, and not once does he suggest becoming a phony gladhander. In fact, quite the opposite.
I'm an introvert. I'm also friendly, and able to chat with just about anyone. But I need to be alone to 'recharge,' and the time varies with each situation, even when among my dearest friends. I get that not every introvert is friendly or chatty, but we're not all grumpy misanthropes either.
Maybe the OP could ask a supervisor for advice regarding job performance.
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) Thank god I was given a golden parachute- now I make three times as much as those idiots as a consultant working from home in my sweatpants. Yeah me.
