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Thing is, the cost of living is less in most of the South. They may actually be coming out ahead.
That's what I was going to say. My husband's friends in Alabama bought a 2000 sq foot house for only about 50K than what we paid for 300 sq foot coop studio in NYC. Taking a pay cut in the south might still result in an elevated quality of living.
And I agree with the others, less than a month is not nearly enough time to know whether or not you can live somewhere. I lived in NYC for 12 years and honestly didn't feel that it was my home for the first few years. I grew to absolutely love it. But it took time. Give yourself the chance to get used to it, to make some friends, to get to know your surroundings.
OP, there are important parts missing from this story. Why would he choose to move to a state that pays less for both of you, and take a pay cut himself? Did you two discuss that, and if not, why not? Were there no potential jobs in his field around Boston? Or around the NE? Why would he leave an area he liked just to change jobs, and take a pay cut on top of it all?
Lower COL from Boston, off the top of my head?
I've moved to places with lower pay, because the cost of living more than balanced it out. Don't know if that's a factor, here, but it certainly could be.
OP, in regard to your post, you haven't really been in your new city long enough to know whether or not you'll warm up to it. I've moved to new states/regions, and it's taken me up to year to really get a feel for new places.
If you've already decided you hate it, there's more than the location that's problematic, most likely.
Spouse and I are from a large mid-Atlantic city. When I finished grad school, I wanted to try another city and he stipulated that it be on the east coast, so we moved to Boston. I really loved it, he mostly didn't because he didn't like his job. Last May he said he wanted to make a job change and took a position in the south, notably in the state where salary for my position is the lowest nationwide. As background, I make about 2/3-3/4 of our total household income. We knew this before he took the job, but I did not strongly object. I didn't see how I could ask him to stay somewhere he wasn't happy.
I finally moved down here this month and start work on Monday. I hung out in Boston to become vested at my old job. I'm miserable. My new job has an awful schedule with a 20% pay cut. My husband ALSO took a small pay cut to come here, but is much happier with the work.
I don't know how to be egalitarian about this. Technically he moved at my request after grad school, but it was to a mutually satisfying location (at the beginning anyway). It seemed like it was his turn to pick the next city. But it also seems financially ridiculous to have the spouse making to majority of the income be the "trailing spouse."
We have agreed that we will look for other jobs in another city (not Boston) if I'm not happy by the end of the year. That feels really far away when I'm so miserable.
IDK, but I too stayed in an area I hated for someone I love (I was actually getting ready to relocate when we started seeing each other). Regrets? No. I'll never truly like it here, but he was/is more important than backdrop.
Spouse and I are from a large mid-Atlantic city. When I finished grad school, I wanted to try another city and he stipulated that it be on the east coast, so we moved to Boston. I really loved it, he mostly didn't because he didn't like his job. Last May he said he wanted to make a job change and took a position in the south, notably in the state where salary for my position is the lowest nationwide. As background, I make about 2/3-3/4 of our total household income. We knew this before he took the job, but I did not strongly object. I didn't see how I could ask him to stay somewhere he wasn't happy.
I finally moved down here this month and start work on Monday. I hung out in Boston to become vested at my old job. I'm miserable. My new job has an awful schedule with a 20% pay cut. My husband ALSO took a small pay cut to come here, but is much happier with the work.
I don't know how to be egalitarian about this. Technically he moved at my request after grad school, but it was to a mutually satisfying location (at the beginning anyway). It seemed like it was his turn to pick the next city. But it also seems financially ridiculous to have the spouse making to majority of the income be the "trailing spouse."
We have agreed that we will look for other jobs in another city (not Boston) if I'm not happy by the end of the year. That feels really far away when I'm so miserable.
You kind of made your bed with that. Since you were making 70% of the income, in my mind you should have had more say on location.
You should have talked about what you wanted from location in more depth. I'm not sure what part of the south you're talking about, but being from Texas with family in Georgia & Alabama, I know what a lot of it is like. Culture is definitely different in the south than in Boston, as is stuff like food, politics, amenities, lifestyle, environent, weather.
My wife and I are both from Texas originally. The Houston area in particular has jobs for me and most likely her. Since we're from there we both know what the area and state are about, what it has to offer. We've had to discuss, what is really important in our lives? If buying a bigger box to live in (house) is the most important thing in the world, then yes the south is a better choice because they sell cheaper boxes down there.
I would never have agreed to do what you did. You sound like you're bitter, and I understand why. I'd be even more bitter than you and something like that would probably end my marriage.
I can't imagine us moving anywhere that wasn't mutually agreed upon.
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We have agreed that we will look for other jobs in another city (not Boston) if I'm not happy by the end of the year. That feels really far away when I'm so miserable.
I didn't think I'd be getting to 56 so quickly either...Now that I am here I look back and regret..
Ive moved all over the place and generally found for me, a year going by is the make-or-break time period I needed before making big decisions. Except for Florida. I knew it was going to be horrible, I just underestimated how horrible. I knew in 4 months it wasnt for me. But, I understand you completely OP, sometimes things are just bad for reasons you cannot understand or feel like altering your lifestyle for. You know right away. The depression, etc . . . I know it and have empathy for you. People who say its "you" and "you make yourself miserable" don't get it. Everyone has their place, just takes a while to find it
Hopefully your S.O. is open to having a serious discussion about the situation. Quality of life cannot have a dollar figure attached to it.
My armchair psychology skills tell me the OP never really bought into the move but didn't want to actually face it head on.
I also wonder if the husband was unhappy being in such a lesser position in a city that can be as career/education/wealth focused as Boston. As a lifelong Southerner with one set of relatives in Boston and Northern friends from college & a my early professional years I can say people in the South usually mingle much more freely than many Northern cities.
I also suspect the new job/company might offer a lot less status. Its not NYC or SF but Boston is home to a ton of major companies and really successful mid size ones. Sometimes walking away from the comfort of a big or recognizable employer can feel like a step back.
I don't understand any of this -- how can OP be miserable already if she hasn't even started the job? And if she really didn't want to move and had a good job and made more money, I don't understand why she ever agreed to this in the first place.
It's also not clear whether this is "The South" or whether this is actually Florida. I know Florida is in the south, and obviously it's as far south as you can get, but it's really pretty different from GA, SC, NC, MS, AL, et al. If this is Miami, it's very different. While there are certainly legitimate reasons she might not like it, it is in many ways very different from being in, say, the Carolinas.
This move is obviously a big issue in your relationship right now. You have to decide what is more important -- the location or your spouse. If you hate the location more than you love your spouse, move back to Boston and try to get your old job back. If you love your spouse more than you hate the location, suck it up for a while and try to see the good sides of where you are now, or come up with a mutually agreeable location to move. (BTW: Are both of your jobs so flexible that you can pick up and move to any location you choose? You are lucky to have that option.)
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