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A coworker got really angry at me last week. Keep in mind that I'm a librarian. Nothing we do is life or death. There is no mistake that any of us could make that would be worth being angry about. EVERYTHING is fixable.
He didn't like something I had done, and the instant he discovered it, he spoke accusingly and wanted to know why I'd done it. He was clearly angry. I've heard this coworker use this tone before. It was unnecessary and unpleasant. But I was certainly unprepared to hear it in this context. I had completed a process that had multiple steps. I was in the process of emailing our supervisor about the process I had just completed, including the one step my coworker didn't approve of, stating why I had made the choices i had made, and that one in particular. So I said, "Actually, I'm just emailing boss about that, I was thinking..." and he cut me off to tell me how wrong I was. After a few more attempts to explain my reasoning and my choice, and him cutting me off each time, he finally said "You are being rude!" and I said "Actually, you are being rude" and he kept at me and finally I said "I can't talk to you about this any more tonight, we'll have to see what Boss says and resolve this later". And I turned back to my computer to finish my email.
Well that REALLY set him off. He shoved his chair back from the desk, said "Well that does it, I'm just going to lay it all out right now, your attitude has been terrible lately, everyone talks about it, and if you don't get your attitude under control you are going to have a really hard time advancing your career here" (that is a summary of what he said, it went on a little longer but those were his key points). Again I said "I'm not going to discuss this, we'll have to talk to Boss". He said "We will absolutely have a sit-down with boss and hash this out because your attitude is unacceptable...." Etc. It was clear he thought the boss would take his side, which is ludicrous, because no way in hell our boss is going to think what I had done was horrible. The worst he would do is say, yeah, next time do it a different way. Even an official sanction of some sort is unlikely to go anywhere. Our boss is super easygoing and extremely reasonable. I've certainly never seen him get mad about anything. Has my attitude at work been terrible/unacceptable/inappropriate? nope! The funny thing is, that coworker is the one who is frequently discussed as being unpleasant and has several documented incidents. Me, nothing. I've been called on the carpet a few times for honest or stupid mistakes, but nothing that ever got documented and certainly not for my 'attitude'.
So coworker fired off a quick email to boss, I sent my longer one about the problem solving process I had undertaken. I'm only part time, so I left there on Wednesday evening knowing that coworker would have 4 days to gripe to boss and cool his jets and boss is unlikely to do anything at all about any of this. He hasn't responded to my email which generally means he has nothing to say.
I grew up in an abusive home. When someone is angry, I detach pretty quickly and and process it intellectually. My emotional process, however, is pretty crippled, and my lizard brain is wondering if I'm about to get hit. It's been 30 years, but I can't help it, even if I KNOW that person is not going to hit me, I still cringe inside. My world was very unpredictable for a long time. I no longer have volatile personal relationships, divorced my angry husband. Single parent of two teenagers so I learned a LOT about not getting sucked into someone else's anger. I had to quit a job a few years ago due to an angry boss I just couldn't deal with. So here I am, having learned over the years to NOT poke the bear, do NOT engage, do NOT respond in anger to someone who is angry. It's really hard! But what seems to happen is that when you do that, it just makes them angrier.
So what, exactly, could I have said to my angry coworker in that first moment that would NOT have made him angrier? Was I supposed to cry? be instantly contrite? be aghast that I had made such a horrible error?
Any other co-worker who disagreed would have at least listened to my explanation. That would have given me a minute to process their point of view, so I could say something like "OMG, I didn't think of it that way, I'm sorry, can you help me fix this?" Because I DID actually see his point of view and I do see why he or someone else involved might disapprove, and i can see avenues to right my wrong if needed (including the process I had already stated in the email). And I can and do apologize when I am in the wrong. I am ready to explain my choices if needed, but ultimately it's up to the boss, i will follow his direction without question because I trust his judgement and because he's the boss! Again, nothing we do is life or death, so if I don't get my way at work there's never any reason to pout about it.
What I just can't deal with is when someone plays the anger card FIRST.
So now I have to go in tomorrow and work with this tool. I'm running all possible scenarios in my head. Will he ignore me? Confront me? be awkward or be cool? He should be apologizing to me so I have to be gracious if he does, right? Even though I will never trust him again. Will I have to explain myself to my boss or will he just roll his eyes at the whole thing? I hate this kind of anxiety. I think it is partly PTSD from that previous supervisor who was angry all the time.
So again, when someone is actually ANGRY and in your face, defending yourself doesn't seem to work because then you are 'disrespectful, not engaging seems to be disrespectful also. So what are you supposed to say?
Do you have any witnesses to his behavior? Did this happen out in the open at the library or in private offices? If patrons witnessed this it's really unprofessional what he did.
I would document everything you said here. If he apologizes, perhaps say "thank you for your apology", not "that's OK"(something I used to do, but no longer do when people are out of line), and know going forward you have to watch yourself around him.
So again, when someone is actually ANGRY and in your face, defending yourself doesn't seem to work because then you are 'disrespectful, not engaging seems to be disrespectful also. So what are you supposed to say?
I usually say "Go (Bleep) yourself." and that's the last thing I say.....Now, of course you're in a more professional position....
I'd ignore him till you speak with the head guy and see what he says....
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
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There is something called de-escalation. It is in your best interest to learn about it. You were not wrong to try to explain your action, but it did not calm your coworker down any.
All you needed to say was, "I just e-mailed our boss about it. I'm sure they will explain to me why I was wrong if I indeed was." And not said a word more. If he kept at you, you could have asked him to take a break and calm himself a bit. Kept your voice soft.
If anyone, even on the street, gets more and more aggressive every time you speak, the best action is to maintain yourself and simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then walk away.
Everyone is receiving 'single shooter' training these days, and that is because everyone is stressed and you never know when someone will crack. Be proactive and protect yourself. You can explain yourself to your boss later.
you jump up, grab them by the ears and move in a very rapid back and forth movement against a hard surface as in wall column or door and repeat in a very loud aggressive tone "DO YOUR FRICKEN JOB"
yea right dont we wish. I usually just go to lunch
Well..since you didn't mention exactly what you did that set him off..I would only be guessing here having worked with numerous personalities over 4.5 decades..and there are SOME..regardless who take out their frustration on those who feel can get away with it! So maybe think about what his actual complaint was all about..and let HIS boss sort it out. Rudeness..bullying ..intimidation should not be anything any employee wether wartime or full-time should have to deal with..So let the higher-ups sort it...
Then again..depending on what his issue was all about is only something you can maybe understand the "High Drama" response... SMH..Some folks often tend to take whatever pressure they feel onto others..it's often the nature of the best, when they have reached their level of "Incompetence" better known as "Peter's Principle"~ Peter Principle - definition of Peter Principle by The Free Dictionary
Quote:
Peter Principle
n.
The theory that employees within an organization will advance to their highest level of competence and then be promoted to and remain at a level at which they are incompetent.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,365 posts, read 2,148,041 times
Reputation: 3814
Quote:
Originally Posted by brownbagg
you jump up, grab them by the ears and move in a very rapid back and forth movement against a hard surface as in wall column or door and repeat in a very loud aggressive tone "DO YOUR FRICKEN JOB"
yea right dont we wish. I usually just go to lunch
Second, when someone I work with, goes off on me, I just sit there quiet. Let them just get it all out, and say okay. I never apologize (unless it is a mistake), or try to explain myself. It just adds fuel to the fire, because that person is just looking for a reason to argue and belittle you more. Hey, it takes 2 to tango.
Now passive-aggressive co-workers are tough to deal with.
you jump up, grab them by the ears and move in a very rapid back and forth movement against a hard surface as in wall column or door and repeat in a very loud aggressive tone "DO YOUR FRICKEN JOB"
yea right dont we wish. I usually just go to lunch
Well, actually, what i didn't include in my already lengthy post was what precipitated the event. An irate customer called and yelled at him. He tried to calm her down, then told her that what she needed was too much trouble, tried to reason with her for a while longer, then hung up on her. I sat right there and watched it. We discussed it, agreed that some people are beyond reason, rolled our eyes, etc. When she called back, she refused to talk to him so he passed it to me. Because I already knew what her problem was, I was in a better position to talk her down to a point where I could attempt to fix her problem. And I did fix what he was unwilling to fix. She had a long list of requests that needed to be rerouted. It took less than 5 minutes.
After I was done with her, we chatted amiably about it. We wondered together what people like that do when they have a REAL problem. He wrote an email to our staff reporting the caller as a 'handle with care' person and gave me a really nice compliment for handling her well. He also said that SHE hung up on HIM. Not true, but I felt it was not my business to judge (Because I am always trying to give people the benefit of the doubt!) and I just rolled my eyes inwardly.
It was the further process of documenting her phone call in the library patron database that he disagreed with.
So 1) he was already hot under the collar from being yelled at by a stranger. Yep, that makes him really mad. He will frequently report such incidents on his personal Facebook page.
2) just the week before he had interviewed for a management level position and been rejected. He was a good sport on the outside, but I'm sure it smarted just a bit
3) I totally DID handle the angry patron better than he did but I was tactful about it. I gave careful credit to the fact that I was prepared when she called back. I can't say I would have handled her well if I had answered the phone the first time, but I can say I would have handled it better than he did. And he KNEW it.
Do you have any witnesses to his behavior? Did this happen out in the open at the library or in private offices? If patrons witnessed this it's really unprofessional what he did.
I would document everything you said here. If he apologizes, perhaps say "thank you for your apology", not "that's OK"(something I used to do, but no longer do when people are out of line), and know going forward you have to watch yourself around him.
Nope, no witnesses. We were about to close.
No one would doubt my side of the story if I care to share it with anyone other than the boss, because they all know what he's like. But the boss is his friend, so he won't suffer any consequences either.
There is another level of management in between them, but that position is currently vacant. When it gets filled, things should go back to 'normal'.
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