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You never answered what your therapist tried to get you to do that freaked you out.
I thought I explained that she tried to get me to speak the OCD thoughts I was having. Just typing that other post about why I think I have to do some of the things other people say to do if they say they are immodest was difficult. I would get over it if I could. Trying to avoid negative destructive thought patterns is part of the reason I fantasize so much. It's like I can't just be happy. Something always comes along to "punish" me for being happy. The things I want to do are somehow "wrong" if I enjoy them, and when I hear someone "confirm" this by expressing what they believe, I'm all the more miserable and pressured to give them up as well, even if only temporarily. I would stop thinking like this if I could. I didn't always think like this; it started when I was a young teenager. The end result is I stay depressed and anxious. I usually have a good day where I enjoy myself followed by a lot of guilt. Sometimes an innocent activity like going to see a movie, can feel like I've intentionally run over someone with my car. I feel guilt about things that other people wouldn't feel guilty about, but if I changed my lifestyle to accommodate all of this, I don't think I would ever leave my house. My only alternative is to just do the things that make me feel guilty, but I'm miserable either way. I mentally blame other people for thinking and feeling certain ways, but it just shouldn't influence me the way it does. I'm the one with the problem. If something bad does happen, though, because I override the "guilt" feelings, that's reinforcement to not do the things I feel guilty about; this is my life most of the time. I adopt superstitions to avoid the guilty feelings. I sometimes believe that guilt and believe that what I'm doing is somehow wrong, and I should change my lifestyle to stop feeling guilty.
I daydream a lot just to improve my mood. I get anxiety attacks, and they depress me severely, by sometimes convincing me that A or B was a bad activity that I should not have done or now cannot do even though A or B was okay to a few days ago. Imagine writing a wonderful article and getting it published only to come back and feel like you should never write another article again, because you offended someone or committed some other "crime" by doing it, or imagine that you feel like, even though it's okay for everyone else, it's somehow bad for you in some way, even though it was okay just a few days ago. Then, you would have a grasp on what I deal with; it keeps me miserable, and I'm not sure it's a job for a therapist or a minister, although I wish I could at least bring myself to attend a church where people aren't so open about their personal convictions.
I'm serious about wanting to improve this time, and I've taken steps, albeit small steps, in the right direction. I think my main complaint, though, is I'm sort of stuck. I sometimes don't make decisions that could benefit me for fear of unforeseen consequences. This is an issue that my therapist was working with me on, but I haven't made the progress I hoped I would make. I get that some of you can't relate, because it's not really your struggle. I wish I didn't have to deal with it, either, but I do.
Crippling social anxiety left me afraid to try anything as a child. I missed out on asking the questions I needed to ask to grow and develop, and I started showing signs of OCD and anxiety during my early teens, which further helped me isolate myself and not learn some of the skills most people try to learn when they are that age. I also didn't find out about the ASD until much later in life. I'm happy that I've managed to solve a little of this confusing puzzle, though. I see things a bit differently than I did as a kid or as young adult. Caution makes a little more sense to me than it once did, and conformity doesn't really seem like a bad thing. I just wish I could solve the inattention and disorganization. That, and the social anxiety are the things that have kept me from being successful in life.
I work about 40 hours per week on my first job, and around 5-6 on my second job. I'm also taking a class which takes up about 4 hours per week and about 4-5 hours for study time if you count the online homework, and I go to church about 3 times per week (although this is not technically a necessity as far as work goes, it's a routine I'm quite used to. My therapist and I talked about breaking this routineand maybe cutting down my church attendance, but I just don't think I'm ready for that.) I also do private tutoring on the side, when I can actually find clients, but I guess we won't count that, because so far I've been doing that for less than 1 hour per week.
So, my daily schedule can look like this on some days:
4:30 wake up
5:00 shower and get dressed
5:30 make breakfast
6:00 check email
6:30 go to work
3:00 leave from work
3:30-6:00 attend class
6:00-7:00 attend study group to pass the class 7:00-9:30 attend church
10:00 return home and go to sleep
and like this on other days
4:30 wake up
5:00 shower and get dressed
5:30 make breakfast
6:00 check email
6:30 go to work
3:00 leave work
3:30-4:00 prepare for other job
4:30 go to other job
5:00-8:00 work
8:30-9:30 do homework
10:00 go to sleep
The weekends aren't like this, though, and I do have some free time on Friday and Monday, too, although I'm currently trying to apply for a third job as an online tutor.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
I daydream a lot just to improve my mood. I get anxiety attacks, and they depress me severely, by sometimes convincing me that A or B was a bad activity that I should not have done or now cannot do even though A or B was okay to a few days ago. Imagine writing a wonderful article and getting it published only to come back and feel like you should never write another article again, because you offended someone or committed some other "crime" by doing it, or imagine that you feel like, even though it's okay for everyone else, it's somehow bad for you in some way, even though it was okay just a few days ago. Then, you would have a grasp on what I deal with; it keeps me miserable, and I'm not sure it's a job for a therapist or a minister, although I wish I could at least bring myself to attend a church where people aren't so open about their personal convictions.
While I do not desire to get into a religious argument I did want to point something out.
A dear friend of mine started to attend church three times a week, once he was retired and had more free time. He went because it was a comforting, supporting environment where he could quietly bask in the love of his God and comradeship of his fellow parishioners . He went because it refreshed him and renewed his faith. Frequent church attendance helped him became and stay a better person. He was also able to help others through church activities.
Although, I may be wrong, it does not appear that church does the same for you. It almost seems like a "bad routine" that you are trying to break. If the minister says that "scantily clad women are bad". I can picture you imagining any outfit that is not a burka as sinful. Heck, I bet that even if you wore a burka you may be worried that a gust of wind may blow the cloth away from your ankles making it sinful showing your body.
I can picture a number of others sharing their strong conviction that tights and leggings are bad, so when you are shopping for clothes, even if you would want to wear tights or leggings under a dress to be more comfortable (and possibly more modest), you don't buy tights & leggings because you don't want to offend them.
Perhaps, those others have shared that it is wrong to wear bright lipstick so when you are considering wearing makeup you error to the side of caution and decide not even to wear light colors or lip gloss because of not wanting to offend them.
It may just be that particular church is wrong for you and another church, or another denomination, may be supporting, loving and better help you express your love of God (and His love for you). Or, if your really love that church for other reasons, it may be helpful to cut down your church attendance to allow you to find more time to get enough sleep, exercise and healthy eating into your schedule.
I do not have obsessive thoughts so it is difficult to put myself in your shoes. But, have you discussed just the obsessive thoughts with a medical doctor? A good friend had several specific, fairly mild, OCD behaviors for many years and once she started medication they completely disappeared and never returned. She considered it almost a miracle and deeply regretted that she had not sought medical treatment years earlier.
While I do not desire to get into a religious argument I did want to point something out.
It may just be that particular church is wrong for you and another church, or another denomination, may be supporting, loving and better help you express your love of God (and His love for you). Or, if your really love that church for other reasons, it may be helpful to cut down your church attendance to allow you to find more time to get enough sleep, exercise and healthy eating into your schedule.
I do not have obsessive thoughts so it is difficult to put myself in your shoes. But, have you discussed just the obsessive thoughts with a medical doctor? A good friend had several specific, fairly mild, OCD behaviors for many years and once she started medication they completely disappeared and never returned. She considered it almost a miracle and deeply regretted that she had not sought medical treatment years earlier.
Good luck.
I do probably need to see a medical doctor about these obsessive thoughts. I isolate myself and stay in my head a lot. It's a habit I've had since I was a child. Well, deep thinking can be pleasurable, but when your mind is sick, it can also be destructive. I'm not saying I've hallucinated or anything, but I might be able to accept that I've exposed myself to more or less the same effect. If you don't expose yourself to the way other people think and reason, sometimes your mind just doesn't do it the way other people do; that's the best way for me to describe these OCD thoughts. They turn very minor things into serious troubling issues, and they're not easy to get off of my mind. When they're really bad, I find myself biting my tongue or lightly tapping my head against something, and, what's worse, they occur when I'm in "safe" places, mentally or physically.After the anxiety, I get a severe "low" that can last for weeks. Then, I start to feel better, and then the anxiety starts again about some other topic, and the cycle just continues.
I agree that I need to find more time in my schedule, and I need to cut down on something. I feel irrationally guilty, though, when I don't attend THAT particular church, but I'm sure this is all in my head. If I were a mentally healthy individual, this wouldn't be happening. I would be able to think for myself and not feel like my conscience had mind of its own. I've contemplated getting committed because of the severity of all of this. I really wish I could just move away from this place, whether mental or physical, and collect my thoughts and correct my thinking. I shouldn't be hounded by irrational fear for not doing the bidding of an overactive guilty mind.
And, yeah, when I had a couple of Muslim women as my roommates, I contemplated putting on a burka briefly, but I decided that would probably offend them, since I wasn't part of their culture, and I think I had already communicated that. It's not the same way with these church people, though. We've been friends for years, and I grew up attending a somewhat similar church.
I thought I explained that she tried to get me to speak the OCD thoughts I was having. Just typing that other post about why I think I have to do some of the things other people say to do if they say they are immodest was difficult. I would get over it if I could. Trying to avoid negative destructive thought patterns is part of the reason I fantasize so much. It's like I can't just be happy. Something always comes along to "punish" me for being happy. The things I want to do are somehow "wrong" if I enjoy them, and when I hear someone "confirm" this by expressing what they believe, I'm all the more miserable and pressured to give them up as well, even if only temporarily. I would stop thinking like this if I could. I didn't always think like this; it started when I was a young teenager. The end result is I stay depressed and anxious. I usually have a good day where I enjoy myself followed by a lot of guilt. Sometimes an innocent activity like going to see a movie, can feel like I've intentionally run over someone with my car. I feel guilt about things that other people wouldn't feel guilty about, but if I changed my lifestyle to accommodate all of this, I don't think I would ever leave my house. My only alternative is to just do the things that make me feel guilty, but I'm miserable either way. I mentally blame other people for thinking and feeling certain ways, but it just shouldn't influence me the way it does. I'm the one with the problem. If something bad does happen, though, because I override the "guilt" feelings, that's reinforcement to not do the things I feel guilty about; this is my life most of the time. I adopt superstitions to avoid the guilty feelings. I sometimes believe that guilt and believe that what I'm doing is somehow wrong, and I should change my lifestyle to stop feeling guilty.
IMO there is no point in going to anyone if you're not going to leave your comfort zone even there. The whole point is to have a safe space to bring your issues out of your head and into the light and work on the there. This has always been the issue since you've been posting, you want a better life but not if it's really hard or requires you to do things that are uncomfortable for you. You can live life or avoid it, but not both. I think you should talk to your pastor about the guilt you feel. I am quite sure he and everyone at church is aware you have issues and wouldn't want your attendance there to be at the expense of your mental health.
P.S. I think church for you is basically another obsession, not something you are doing out of love of spirit, so I don't feel it's doing you any good at all. But again this is something you and the therapist need to be discussing, and even more so, she or someone else needs to move it to action, using principles of Extinction or another method (that yes, will force you kicking and screaming into places you don't want to go, but will have to if you ever want a semblance of a normal life.
IMO there is no point in going to anyone if you're not going to leave your comfort zone even there. The whole point is to have a safe space to bring your issues out of your head and into the light and work on the there. This has always been the issue since you've been posting, you want a better life but not if it's really hard or requires you to do things that are uncomfortable for you. You can live life or avoid it, but not both. I think you should talk to your pastor about the guilt you feel. I am quite sure he and everyone at church is aware you have issues and wouldn't want your attendance there to be at the expense of your mental health.
P.S. I think church for you is basically another obsession, not something you are doing out of love of spirit, so I don't feel it's doing you any good at all. But again this is something you and the therapist need to be discussing, and even more so, she or someone else needs to move it to action, using principles of Extinction or another method (that yes, will force you kicking and screaming into places you don't want to go, but will have to if you ever want a semblance of a normal life.
I think you would be right. I don't even think I have a relationship with God anymore and haven't had one since I was a younger teenager. I started going to church, because they still seem to have it, but I realize I don't get what I used to get, so right now, I may not be doing myself any good. I would really like to just isolate myself from everything and everyone.
Thanks, everyone, but this really is depressing me a little. I think I'm going to join an ASD forum and see if anyone has a more positive outlook on my situation. I'm still planning to take the advice given to me here, though, including taking my therapist's advice even though it makes me afraid, not just uncomfortable. I also called those other therapists. I guess I should write something out so that I know what to say. I usually don't take little steps like that. I think they all have a purpose for me, the psychiatrist could prescribe me medication that may help alleviate some of my inattention issues. The ASD life coach might be able to help me come up with a workable career plan.
I'm thinking that, too, but the inattention is usually due to daydreaming, and it's usually a fixation on the same topic. Plus, I'm really good at focusing on things that interest me. I could watch documentaries or listen to well-told lectures about my preferred subjects for hours.
Another feature of primary inattentive ADD is hyper-focusing on topics that interest you.
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