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I'm civil considerate and nice. I just don't want to get personal about my life
I totally agree on being civil considerate and nice, don't want to get personal about personal life. I garantee they run and tell their best friends, buddies and pals which goes continuous; next thing, the whole place knows your business, stay the way you are, and don't worry about what they think of you.
Like kiss *ss or gossip? I don't do that. I'm genuine and nice.
Nope, you are putting barriers , whether you see it or not. At my job, we all get along really well, we kid with each other, ask how their kids are doing, and share pleasantries all day long. It makes the day go faster.
If you think about it, you spend more waking hours per day with the people at work than you do with the people at home, so why not loosen up and interact with them a little ?
Give it time DellaNo. Eventually people will realize you want space and they will (hopefully) stop asking personal questions. I think that you should congratulate a co-worker who is excited to tell you good news about themselves, but that doesn't mean you are required to do likewise. That is just part of being friendly enough.
First office I ever worked in (of many to follow), the secretary was Gossip Central. I went to coffee with her and her gang (most colleagues including the boss) the first couple of mornings at work and she proceeded to gossip about whomever was not present. I stopped going. She asked me why and I told her "This way you can also gossip about me." (Okay, I was only 22.) Anyway, she eventually had an office affair with the boss and because I was not part of the Gang, I was out of the loop and out of the drama. Eventually, other colleagues told me that I was the smart one, avoiding Gossip Central.
You don't want to show sign of isolation. I know exactly what you mean, after all is just work. You are there to do a job, and at the end of the day, you go home and do what you want in your personal life, and you are not there to make friend. However, if I was in your situation, and coworker try to be friendly with me, I will just respond in a professional manner, such as give them a smile in answering their question, but you don't need to go into detail. For example, if they say, where you live, you don't need to give them your address, just give them the neighborhood name, like I live in Harlem in uptown Manhattan, and your coworker might follow up on how long it takes you to come to work, and just answer them with an answer like, maybe around 30-45 minutes.
I know you don't care about being in a circle in the office or not, but you don't want to brush off the wrong people because when the time come, you don't want to be the last person they consider for promoting you. Well, at least I wouldn't try to sell myself short.
I would show them that I can work with everyone in a professional manner, and I can hold a regular conversation just like everybody else did. You don't need to elaborate on your life in detail, and frankly you don't even need to tell them the truth about yourself. You can lie right in their face about what you like and don't like. You can even agree or disagree when you feel totally the opposite.
At workplace, is not just you that manager care, is about how you can work with everyone in the office, and the same rule apply for everyone, not specifically just you.
OP, you're caught between honesty and crap and have not learned to strike the balance.
Honesty: "If I didn't get paid, I would never come here again. I didn't pick you people and don't want to hang out with you or be Best Pals with you. I'll own my problems and you own yours. This is not a sleepover."
Crap: "Oh, this is such a wonderful place! We are all just crazy funny and so nice! Yay for us! We are all friends here!"
Your co-workers prefer to live with the Crap diagnosis because Honesty would be too painful. Crap is their drug of choice. You aren't taking the drug. When you do not conform, or at least appear to conform, you embarrass those who do. No mob can long exist without a focus for gossip and dislike, and the goal of the wise nonconformist is not to be that person. (Well, that's one of the goals. Another is to conceal all your true feelings, starting with the one that says all mobs need to build a bonfire and leap in. But let's not get afield.)
In short, you are being too much yourself, and that isn't tolerated. Since over half of your evaluation will generally (whether you are told or not) involve how you get along with your co-workers, they can ruin you. All they have to do is make sure that, in whatever discord exists, you are always one of the sides. You need to learn the fine art of noncommittal, vague handling of nosy questions that in a just world you could slap someone for asking. You need to learn to make it look like you like them, so that you appear to embrace the Crap philosophy. Above all, you need to make sure there's always someone who is more of a misfit. There needs to be a mob target other than yourself.
Start taking some people out to lunch, and practice in advance what your limits are and how to seem very forthcoming without revealing much of the real you. Don't start with the office blabbermouth; start with the sanest of the mob, who is likeliest to say positive things about the encounter. Say it's because you think it's easier to get better acquainted this way. Try to steer the conversation to stuff that won't be too personal, but will let you talk about aspects of your real world that could seem personal to someone who does not know you, as these buttinskies never will. Make the receptionist, who is typically the ringleader, about the third person you take out. She's the one coordinating the investigation, so the goal there is for what you tell her to confirm what you told other people. It's okay to tell the same stuff to two different people. You aren't trying to help them create a complete picture; you're trying to look like you care what they think without actually doing so.
Stop expecting adult behavior from office staff. It never prevails overall. In the end, most of it goes back to junior high school. You can't change that culture. You can only learn to survive it without significant damage. Give them enough to make them think they know, and make sure there's always a bigger target.
I'm fairly new at my job - 7 weeks. I think some of my female colleagues find me "unfriendly" because I choose not to get personal with them. I don't talk about myself or feel the need to share anything. I'm always nice, professional and willing to help however I can. I'm 35 and have been working long enough to learn from my past mistakes about getting too chummy at work. I don't care if I'm not part of a clique.
What is your opinion on this?
I think you've learned your lesson well. There is a fine line with coworkers when it comes to sharing any personal information. Like you, I had to learn not to cross that line. In a business environment there is nothing wrong with being friendly, but you don't have to be "tight" with everyone. Remember, in any environment there are those that are trustworthy and those who are not. By keeping your business your own, you save yourself the heartache of choosing wrongly.
I totally agree on being civil considerate and nice, don't want to get personal about personal life. I garantee they run and tell their best friends, buddies and pals which goes continuous; next thing, the whole place knows your business, stay the way you are, and don't worry about what they think of you.
I don't think he's talking about secrets, just things like are you married, have a girlfriend, where did you live before, just normal talk. I don't hang out with co-workers after work, but for 8 hours a day I'm in a room with them, we know who just got engaged and who's son just made AAA baseball team.
I'm a very friendly person, and would make a point of going up to a new co-worker, welcoming him/her, and of course I would ask them about themselves. You certainly have the right to say "I don't want to talk about myself" but know in advance it will seem odd. But it's fine. There is one guy at work that gives off the "I don't like people" vibe, and I leave him be, but I don't care at all. I don't really think anyone cares if someone wants to join in and be friendly or not, frankly.
Never say never. I have a couple of very long term friends who started out as mere co-workers. Most won't become friends at least under my old-fashioned definition of it. Doesn't mean we can't manage to be civil, considerate, or (oh the horror!) down right nice. This just isn't that hard despite all the long threads quarreling about it.
Ditto to this. Some of my very best friends are former co-workers (we are all female). I worked for a large company for 25 years and had many co-workers. Some you just connect with and a more personal relationship grows. One woman who I became close friends with became my manager at one point. We successfully navigated that and stayed friends. We are now both retired and remain fast friends, as I have with a few others.
I even became good friends with my married "office husband" and we still lunch several times a year. He was and is devoted to his wife and she obviously trusts him. I never had designs on him, just loved his humor and personality. She has never had a problem with it and it's just a lovely friendship.
When I was making some of these friends, I kind of thought about it like dating. I'd slowly get to know them and decide to take it outside of the office for lunch or drinks and it grew from there. I have good instincts and never picked anyone who turned out badly. (And so did they, I might say.)
Of course there were many that I was just polite and friendly to, but it never went any farther as they were just not friend material. And there were some I didn't care for at all and steered clear of when I could.
Never pass up a chance to make a lifelong friend! Just choose carefully! The rewards are great.
Unless you are in the witness protection program, I don't think it's a huge deal to divulge a bit about yourself at work, just to give people a basic idea of who you are. You don't have to get overly personal or socialize outside of work.
Most people don't really want to know about YOU, they want to talk about THEMSELVES. If personal revelations about yourself are uncomfortable, respond with a general answer and turn the conversation toward them. 99 times out of 100, they'll be more than happy to talk about themselves...their favorite subject.
That likely wouldn't go so well, but you could be snarky and ask her an overly personal question in return. Or simply say "why do you ask?" with a smile, which puts the pressure on her to answer and takes the pressure off you.
Where were you 20 years ago when people hounded me with that annoying question? "Why do you ask?" would have been an AWESOME response!
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