What's reasonable to expect of a friend as a personal reference? (job application, applying)
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I was talking to a friend the other day who I use as a personal reference on job applications. In our conversation, she mentioned how she had been contacted by someone for a job I had applied for (last year), and told this employer when asked about my personality that I am quiet and reserved, but that shouldn't be a problem for that particular job. She said that she didn't want to lie or be dishonest to someone asking about me for a potential job.
She knows that I was not chosen for a particular job because another reference (a former supervisor) I had given to that employer used the same words (quiet and reserved) to describe me. She also knows that I have had an exceedingly hard time finding a good job since moving to my current location. I would have thought that as my friend, she would be willing to say whatever is necessary to help me get a job. It's not like I'm an ex-convict, child molester, wife abuser, alcoholic or drug user and I'm asking her to conceal that from an employer. Far from that! I'm not applying for high level, high paying jobs either. In my opinion, there are many people out there of questionable character that get far better jobs than anything I'm being considered for. Am I being unrealistic to expect my friend to bend the truth a little bit if it helps me to get a good job?
Have you discussed with your friend what your expectations are as your professional reference? Maybe she could avoid bring up the "quiet and reserved" altogether and, instead, point out another quality. I assume you have other positive qualities than "quiet and reserved".
She is allowed to have a reasonable expectation not to be asked to compromise her integrity. What do you want her to say?
OP's friend could express a more positive quality or set of qualities rather than bring up the qualities that A) he is insecure about and B) he has mentioned to his friend has cost him an opportunity elsewhere. Maybe OP has some qualities that far exceed his "quiet and reserved" demeanor.
. I would have thought that as my friend, she would be willing to say whatever is necessary to help me get a job. It's not like I'm an ex-convict, child molester, wife abuser, alcoholic or drug user and I'm asking her to conceal that from an employer. ?
To many people, being an introvert is a bad thing. It's unfair they see it that way, but they do. Even for jobs that require little or no interaction with co-workers. It's the absolute worst thing that could be revealed to a potential employer. Most employers would hire an ex-con before they'd hire an introvert. I'm not saying that lightly. Discrimination against introverts or "quiet" people is widespread and socially acceptable.
Also, your "friend" should not have volunteered to be a reference if she had anything negative to say.
Maybe he shouldn't use a personal reference but a professional one
This is probably a better option. I choose "friends" who are also co-workers. They have first hand knowledge about my skills/abilities and won't be put into an awkward situation; trying to answer questions about something they haven't witnessed. Its also slightly less personal, so easier to be up front about the match of you and job.
OP no one should feel they need to overstate your qualities or be dishonest so you will get the job.
I find the following statement in the OP's first and only post to be troubling: "I would have thought that as my friend, she would be willing to say whatever is necessary to help me get a job."
Really? Anything that would get you a job?
To the OP: You didn't mention the job title or your background/qualifications that fit the job.
Are you looking for a job in accounting? If so, "quiet and reserved" is not a negative at all. Also, computer programmers come in all sorts of personality types and "quiet and reserved" is just fine for many of the positions, while moving up the ladder to manager will likely require more interpersonal skills.
On the other hand, if you have applied for a sales/marketing job, then "quiet and reserved" just won't cut it.
I was talking to a friend the other day who I use as a personal reference on job applications. In our conversation, she mentioned how she had been contacted by someone for a job I had applied for (last year), and told this employer when asked about my personality that I am quiet and reserved, but that shouldn't be a problem for that particular job. She said that she didn't want to lie or be dishonest to someone asking about me for a potential job.
She knows that I was not chosen for a particular job because another reference (a former supervisor) I had given to that employer used the same words (quiet and reserved) to describe me. She also knows that I have had an exceedingly hard time finding a good job since moving to my current location. I would have thought that as my friend, she would be willing to say whatever is necessary to help me get a job. It's not like I'm an ex-convict, child molester, wife abuser, alcoholic or drug user and I'm asking her to conceal that from an employer. Far from that! I'm not applying for high level, high paying jobs either. In my opinion, there are many people out there of questionable character that get far better jobs than anything I'm being considered for. Am I being unrealistic to expect my friend to bend the truth a little bit if it helps me to get a good job?
Yes. You can't ask for her comments but then expect her to lie about them.
Most people will be honest in such a situation. Quiet and reserved is certainly not a negative review.
Perhaps there is more on some of these references that you are unaware of...
I regret I ever let a friend give an opinion on my skills or professionalism. I may as well shot myself in the foot. This person basically cost me two great opportunities. Not from telling the truth or telling 'objective' minded perspective. Nope! This person gave a scathing reply to some questions....then had the audacity to say to my face....yup! I told them why they shouldn't hire you! Then proceeded to back up that bus and run over my character yet again. There was no cleaning up that mess when I walked in for the very brief second interview!
He swears it was in my best interest as I wouldn't have liked it at those companies. Yeah ....got it. Being broke and having my professional reputation smeared is really in my best interest.
Just as I vet employers I now vet who makes it on the reference page. Lesson learned ...some folks have your back so they can target practice.
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