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A 20 something new hire recently started in my department. I'd like to think I have been friendly and helpful as I have helped train him. He seems to be somewhat disrespectful in return.
If I'm working on something or typing an email, he'll sit there and tell me what I should do or type.
He is already talking about others behind their backs.
I have been in the department/company for over 10 years. He has made jokes about being there for so long.
He made a joke about the boss's age (who is not old) in front of him.
I have noticed he lacks some basic technical skills so maybe it has something to do with insecurity.
What's the best way to respond to sarcastic put downs? Ignore? Fight fire with fire? Laugh it off?
If it really bothers you, especially references to how long you have been there (congrats by the way), then I would come back with something to the effect of "well, maybe I've been here this long because I have done my job and not irritated my coworkers with snide remarks". Or maybe just pull him to the side and tell him more directly that he is already alienating people.
You are probably correct about the insecurities and he probably needs a wake up call and some maturity. But if it is a problem, use your experience and maturity to handle it in the most professional way possible. I wouldn't let it go and let it continue to be a problem.
I will admit that at times, that comments I made to people that were intended as a friendly joke and intended to make the person laugh, were not necessarily taken that way and at times, being put in my place a little corrected that. I think it is something we learn as we age and mature. That doesn't always happen in our twenties. And thank goodness, I'm not there anymore!
I'm not saying that is how you should act normally to everyone. Just do it to people who annoy you. When jerks find out that you aren't one to pick a fight with, they suddenly change their minds. It's not like you can put them through grade school all over again and hope they come out right, you've got to work with them as adults with their own rights, and this is how you deal with them in a way that works.
Sorry, but Parnassia is right. A person that is there 10 years and is most likely a valued employee does not and should not want to get into any fights or arguments. They should use their experience and maturity to counsel the younger employee and set the example for how things should be done and how to work with others. It sounds like this could be the new guy's first professional career type job and probably needs some guidance on how to act.
Stooping to his level and creating more tension makes things worse.
I might have a friendly conversation with him to the effect that 'if you're trying to be funny, it's not coming off the right way and is actually annoying to people.' But unless you are his supervisor, in this day and age, it just p*sses the offender off (like, who are you to counsel me, you're not my supervisor). I would still try a friendly approach, though, once or twice, and then let a supervisor deal with it. If he continues with the negative comments to me, I would refer him to his supervisor. "I think you might want to discuss that with your supervisor...." You should not have to put up with that behavior. Start using the words 'hostile work environment' and if anyone in management is paying attention, you should see some action.
I wonder if this young man might have Asperger's syndrome. That might explain his cluelessless, lack of social skills, abrasiveness, excessive chattiness, and a lot more.
Do a little reading about AS, and see if you think it might fit. If so, and if he is diagnosed, he might be in a protected category, but that doesn't mean you should have to put up with this nonsense, especially if it is interfering with your own work and creating an unpleasant, if not downright hostile, work environment.
Start documenting unacceptable behaviors. Note how much time each incident absorbed. Then you can decide whether to take it up a notch - to your supervisor(s) - or to talk to the young man about it (be prepared for him to deny any bad intentions, and that's probably correct, as he is unlikely to recognize the effects of his behavior), or just sit on it for a while.
Also research how to effectively communicate with someone with AS. You might also put a few work-arounds in place - are you in charge of this guy's work day? Does he have a list of tasks he is expected to perform? He might do well with such a list, especially if he's complaining he has nothing to do and doesn't seem to see needed work activities himself. So, make the expectations as clear as possible, even if they seem self-evident. Put them in writing, sign and date them, and keep a copy yourself. Consider him to be on trial for a couple of weeks after you present him with his to-do list, and document how well he performs.
It's okay to tell him you are busy and can't talk with him incessantly. Fine to be normally workplace-friendly/cordial, but no long conversations other than on breaks or lunch hours, and I expect you have other uses for those times. If he starts to drone on and on, just interrupt and say, "I'm going to cut you off right there because...(I have to get back to work, I have a project waiting, I need to make a call, whatever).
So, in your shoes (and I've been in very similar shoes), I'd tweak a few workplace practices, make sure the young man understands what is expected of him, and give it a couple of weeks to see if that makes any difference. He may still never be your favorite coworker, but his job performance needs to improve, and it's okay to let him know you're concerned about that and want to help him become more effective.
I had a very similar coworker recently. Unfortunately, the boss seemed to like her. I interacted with her as minimally as possible, let her be all superior and snide, and did my job. I think this falls in "you're not going to like everyone" territory, so that's about the only adult thing to do.
In my case, the co-irker left of her own devices. She had nothing but disrespect and snark for our workplace, so I was hoping this would be the outcome. So now I don't have to work with her, and I didn't look like a troublesome whiner to the boss. Win/win!
This behavior is negative and tolerating it is a dead end. You won't get anywhere by letting it go and you shouldn't. So show how exhausted and irritated you are. Sigh loudly, roll your eyes, tut, huff and puff, shrug your shoulders, mutter something, be openly sarcastic back. Make fun out of them and chuckle. Don't verbally warn them they are being rude - that's something you tell a friend.
Bad ideas all around. The objective is for you to WIN the perception battle. Not to hand him the victory. And this is not even to mention that he wouldn't get the message anyway. Getting tough with sociopathic personalities is pointless. It feeds into their own delusional narcissism and egotistic self-justification complex. These kind of people are skilled manipulators and are experts at making themselves look and sound like victims. They've been practicing all their lives.
Do this and you open yourself up to him complaining to your boss or HR about you and who knows how that will turn out. In theory, they should back the OP and chastise the new guy but they could easily say the OP is not a team player. Then the OP is in a worse position than if he did nothing.
Depending on what is said the OP could respond by saying, we're all a team here and we need to treat each other with respect but acting like a child will get the OP nowhere.
Exactly. Never let the offender get to you. These bullies are MASTERS of manipulating perceptions and feelings. And management is so often oblivious to these people (because they're such good fakers) and might wind up defending them against the innocents - precisely because these kind of people tend to fit the definition of a sociopath: manipulative, charming and full of self-pity and persecution complexes. They've been doing it ALL THEIR LIVES, so it comes naturally for them. They don't know any other way to behave, after all. They specialize in making targets lose their cool and say or do something impulsive in anger. Then they switch to victim mode and invert reality.
Normal people, on the other hand, don't often take to dirty politics so naturally and easily. Normal people have a conscience about boundaries and limits. Or their ego isn't big enough to make them assertively evil. Most of us only DREAM of being as nasty (in the right situation) as they are unconsciously, with no effort at all.
Years of experience have taught me that, if we just bide our time and resist the urge to retaliate, these people wind up sinking themselves. Somehow, they build up a reputation with their co-workers that eventually comes home to roost when management FINALLY catches on and sees the light. The evidence just piles up until it can't be denied. But until then, there tends to be this vicious code of silence between the victims of such tyrants, protecting the bully, because everyone thinks "It's just me" or "Everybody likes him/her and they won't believe me" or "Management loves the bully...." whatever. These people eventually cut their own throats OR - somebody who doesn't really care about their own job calls them out in a way that can't be defeated and there's a "massacre".
In a sweet and very low voice tell him "Go F*** Yourself". Then smile.
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