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Old 04-03-2019, 01:57 PM
 
2,053 posts, read 864,269 times
Reputation: 5062

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You handled it well. Telling people they are starting to pi** you off is generally a good way to end a confrontation. You made your point, he backed off, your other colleague apologized. Nothing wrong with your taking a stand.

Quote:
Originally Posted by americana89 View Post
I work for a very large IT company, I'm in a team of about 15 people that come from varying demographics. but predominantly male. There's about 4 of us who are in our late 20's who naturally get along due to common interests and there's a lot of joking and sh*t talking back and forth which is fine, we tend to push the boundaries with what we say but it's always good natured and never gets too personal (well at least I thought so). There's one guy in my team who is your typical bodybuilder jock douchebag, he fancies himself as a ladies man and always talking about his conquests, he's arrogant but I tolerate him, until today when he made some comments about my girlfriend.

What happened was that we were talking about our plans for the weekend, I said I was going to the movies with my girlfriend. The bodybuilder (let's call him Rob), asks me how we met. I told him we met through Tinder. His first comment, "I'm on Tinder, I would've matched with her for sure" I let it go somewhat and just playfully responded quietly with, "she wouldn't like you , you're ugly", he asked what her first name is, her name is a common name from the country she's from originally, after saying that to him he goes, "oh in that case I DEFINITELY would've matched with her!". Implying that girls from that country are easy, which to me is an incredibly racist generalisation.

By this point I'm pissed off and in a state of shock somewhat that I'm hearing this BS from colleagues, especially in front of my entire team. Another guy in my team, John who was sitting next to me misheard what I said and thought I called my own girlfriend ugly. I told him pretty firmly that's not what I said and not to talk about my girlfriend, he was quick to apologise. Rob on the other hand keeps pushing it and says "I'll find her on Instagram let's have a look", I responded with , "that's my partner you're talking about, keep going and I'm going to get pissed off". The encounter ended with that, there was some nervous/awkward laughter from the rest of my team that heard the whole thing, the vibe was very confrontational which obviously isn't common in our workplace, I'm usually pretty upbeat and jovial, I just packed my stuff and left without saying anything to anyone.

This was 3 hours ago, I'm still furious but unsure if I could've handled it better or if I should've just said nothing and shrugged it off. On one hand I'm still fairly new in this team and hate to rock the boat, on the other hand those comments are crossing the line, workplace or not you don't talk about someone's partner like they're some potential conquest. My heads all over the place, but I have to face this tomorrow when I go into work. Any opinions or advice on my behaviour and how to approach things moving forward is appreciated.
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Old 04-03-2019, 04:12 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
9,217 posts, read 8,302,227 times
Reputation: 19995
I think you got in a pi$$ing contest and lost.

Let it go, you were both out of line.
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Old 04-03-2019, 04:43 PM
 
8,977 posts, read 8,107,191 times
Reputation: 19497
Quote:
Originally Posted by americana89 View Post

What happened was that we were talking about our plans for the weekend, I said I was going to the movies with my girlfriend. The bodybuilder (let's call him Rob), asks me how we met. I told him we met through Tinder. His first comment, "I'm on Tinder, I would've matched with her for sure" I let it go somewhat and just playfully responded quietly with, "she wouldn't like you , you're ugly", he asked what her first name is, her name is a common name from the country she's from originally, after saying that to him he goes, "oh in that case I DEFINITELY would've matched with her!". Implying that girls from that country are easy, which to me is an incredibly racist generalisation.

You were the one that made the first personal attack when you called him ugly. From then on he was just answering your insult to his looks.

You started the insulting, and he just went along with it.

You were the problem in this situation when you started the insults, not him.

Don't blame him, for winning the Pis**** contest you started.
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Old 04-03-2019, 09:14 PM
 
1,458 posts, read 1,207,883 times
Reputation: 2148
While his comment was inappropriate, yours was more so. I wasnt there so I didnt hear Robs tone or observe his demeanor but I would've simply shrugged it off or maybe asked him why he thought that since he didnt know her and had never met her. Your comment was a little more personal I think. Calling someone ugly is not very nice. You let him know that he offended you and he backed off so leave it be.

Last edited by HTY483; 04-03-2019 at 10:07 PM..
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Old 04-04-2019, 01:32 AM
 
281 posts, read 124,133 times
Reputation: 525
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoreau424 View Post
People are seen positively for how much they use their brains and speech, or negatively for how emotional they get.
Yes, I like that. That's how I conduct myself at work. Rise above pettiness.
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Old 04-04-2019, 05:16 AM
 
3,974 posts, read 1,699,219 times
Reputation: 8103
Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnhw2 View Post
I'm today's world the cultural and style differences between age cohorts and social groups are massive. Avoid socializing or letting your private life become a workplace topic. Zero upside and you experienced the downside.
I donít think this has anything to do with cultural and style differences between age cohorts. People pushed the boundaries when I was starting work in the late Ď90s/Ď00s and it wasnít any more appropriate for the workplace than it is now. The OP just needs to keep it professional in the workplace and avoid personal attacks.
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Old 04-04-2019, 06:32 AM
 
Location: London U.K.
1,463 posts, read 635,478 times
Reputation: 2994
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lekrii View Post
This.

Ragging on each other as friends (which is what was happening, regardless of you being co-workers) yes, you overreacted.
It sounds like a bunch of kids, at recess.
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Old 04-04-2019, 06:40 AM
 
4,079 posts, read 2,945,731 times
Reputation: 7081
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jean-Francois View Post
It sounds like a bunch of kids, at recess.
Oh please. Do you not have any male friends? This is how we banter with one another. I swear some people on City Data seem to have zero personality whatsoever. Lighten up!
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Old 04-04-2019, 07:13 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles
12,184 posts, read 10,359,091 times
Reputation: 33215
Quote:
Originally Posted by Florida2014 View Post
Oh please. Do you not have any male friends? This is how we banter with one another. I swear some people on City Data seem to have zero personality whatsoever. Lighten up!
or perhaps we have friends outside of work and choose not to have this type of banter with co workers who could get all butt hurt and then be miserable to be around 8+ hours per day? Having no personality has nothing to do with acting like an adult while you are at work.
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Old 04-04-2019, 07:36 AM
 
70 posts, read 21,099 times
Reputation: 239
Quote:
Originally Posted by americana89 View Post
I work for a very large IT company, I'm in a team of about 15 people that come from varying demographics. but predominantly male. There's about 4 of us who are in our late 20's who naturally get along due to common interests and there's a lot of joking and sh*t talking back and forth which is fine, we tend to push the boundaries with what we say but it's always good natured and never gets too personal (well at least I thought so). There's one guy in my team who is your typical bodybuilder jock douchebag, he fancies himself as a ladies man and always talking about his conquests, he's arrogant but I tolerate him, until today when he made some comments about my girlfriend.

What happened was that we were talking about our plans for the weekend, I said I was going to the movies with my girlfriend. The bodybuilder (let's call him Rob), asks me how we met. I told him we met through Tinder. His first comment, "I'm on Tinder, I would've matched with her for sure" I let it go somewhat and just playfully responded quietly with, "she wouldn't like you , you're ugly", he asked what her first name is, her name is a common name from the country she's from originally, after saying that to him he goes, "oh in that case I DEFINITELY would've matched with her!". Implying that girls from that country are easy, which to me is an incredibly racist generalisation.

By this point I'm pissed off and in a state of shock somewhat that I'm hearing this BS from colleagues, especially in front of my entire team. Another guy in my team, John who was sitting next to me misheard what I said and thought I called my own girlfriend ugly. I told him pretty firmly that's not what I said and not to talk about my girlfriend, he was quick to apologise. Rob on the other hand keeps pushing it and says "I'll find her on Instagram let's have a look", I responded with , "that's my partner you're talking about, keep going and I'm going to get pissed off". The encounter ended with that, there was some nervous/awkward laughter from the rest of my team that heard the whole thing, the vibe was very confrontational which obviously isn't common in our workplace, I'm usually pretty upbeat and jovial, I just packed my stuff and left without saying anything to anyone.

This was 3 hours ago, I'm still furious but unsure if I could've handled it better or if I should've just said nothing and shrugged it off. On one hand I'm still fairly new in this team and hate to rock the boat, on the other hand those comments are crossing the line, workplace or not you don't talk about someone's partner like they're some potential conquest. My heads all over the place, but I have to face this tomorrow when I go into work. Any opinions or advice on my behaviour and how to approach things moving forward is appreciated.

Yeah, well do not talk about personal subjects at work, even with your "buds". Another case of personal information being "weaponized". Learn a lesson and keep it professional at work.
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