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Old 04-03-2019, 05:13 AM
 
24 posts, read 10,977 times
Reputation: 31

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I work for a very large IT company, I'm in a team of about 15 people that come from varying demographics. but predominantly male. There's about 4 of us who are in our late 20's who naturally get along due to common interests and there's a lot of joking and sh*t talking back and forth which is fine, we tend to push the boundaries with what we say but it's always good natured and never gets too personal (well at least I thought so). There's one guy in my team who is your typical bodybuilder jock douchebag, he fancies himself as a ladies man and always talking about his conquests, he's arrogant but I tolerate him, until today when he made some comments about my girlfriend.

What happened was that we were talking about our plans for the weekend, I said I was going to the movies with my girlfriend. The bodybuilder (let's call him Rob), asks me how we met. I told him we met through Tinder. His first comment, "I'm on Tinder, I would've matched with her for sure" I let it go somewhat and just playfully responded quietly with, "she wouldn't like you , you're ugly", he asked what her first name is, her name is a common name from the country she's from originally, after saying that to him he goes, "oh in that case I DEFINITELY would've matched with her!". Implying that girls from that country are easy, which to me is an incredibly racist generalisation.

By this point I'm pissed off and in a state of shock somewhat that I'm hearing this BS from colleagues, especially in front of my entire team. Another guy in my team, John who was sitting next to me misheard what I said and thought I called my own girlfriend ugly. I told him pretty firmly that's not what I said and not to talk about my girlfriend, he was quick to apologise. Rob on the other hand keeps pushing it and says "I'll find her on Instagram let's have a look", I responded with , "that's my partner you're talking about, keep going and I'm going to get pissed off". The encounter ended with that, there was some nervous/awkward laughter from the rest of my team that heard the whole thing, the vibe was very confrontational which obviously isn't common in our workplace, I'm usually pretty upbeat and jovial, I just packed my stuff and left without saying anything to anyone.

This was 3 hours ago, I'm still furious but unsure if I could've handled it better or if I should've just said nothing and shrugged it off. On one hand I'm still fairly new in this team and hate to rock the boat, on the other hand those comments are crossing the line, workplace or not you don't talk about someone's partner like they're some potential conquest. My heads all over the place, but I have to face this tomorrow when I go into work. Any opinions or advice on my behaviour and how to approach things moving forward is appreciated.

Last edited by americana89; 04-03-2019 at 05:25 AM..
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Old 04-03-2019, 07:35 AM
 
2,451 posts, read 697,327 times
Reputation: 3428
So next time this guy comes by, take your conversations elsewhere. Either to another location away from him, or switch topics to something boring to him. (but let your friends know what you're doing ahead of time). He'll get the hint.

Unless you're planning on getting this guy fired out of sheer bloodthirsty revenge....
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Old 04-03-2019, 07:35 AM
 
17,318 posts, read 10,218,998 times
Reputation: 28841
Proof as to why one should never be 'friends' with co-workers or divulge in every little gossip and aspect of private life.

At the least, be better judge of office environment and characters.

Only 'advice' is to move on, don't mention it again, and stop with the locker room chat. And start looking.
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Old 04-03-2019, 07:40 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles
12,185 posts, read 10,373,719 times
Reputation: 33226
You all sound immature and if you always "joke and sh*t talk" then I don't see why this turn of events is shocking?
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Old 04-03-2019, 07:49 AM
 
607 posts, read 206,760 times
Reputation: 1837
I think 1) you're part of the problem culture and 2) you overreacted.
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Old 04-03-2019, 08:00 AM
 
Location: Chandler, AZ
2,296 posts, read 1,162,102 times
Reputation: 5412
Quote:
Originally Posted by americana89 View Post
By this point I'm pissed off and in a state of shock somewhat that I'm hearing this BS from colleagues, especially in front of my entire team. Another guy in my team, John who was sitting next to me misheard what I said and thought I called my own girlfriend ugly. I told him pretty firmly that's not what I said and not to talk about my girlfriend, he was quick to apologise. Rob on the other hand keeps pushing it and says "I'll find her on Instagram let's have a look", I responded with , "that's my partner you're talking about, keep going and I'm going to get pissed off". The encounter ended with that, there was some nervous/awkward laughter from the rest of my team that heard the whole thing, the vibe was very confrontational which obviously isn't common in our workplace, I'm usually pretty upbeat and jovial, I just packed my stuff and left without saying anything to anyone.
You have an anger management issue. You need to get some help and get a handle on it, because you're the one who's going to take the short end of this stick.

Why do you care what other people say so much?
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Old 04-03-2019, 08:54 AM
 
3,351 posts, read 3,052,428 times
Reputation: 4885
Your first mistake was telling everyone you met on Tinder.
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Old 04-03-2019, 09:04 AM
 
Location: Mars City
5,091 posts, read 2,148,028 times
Reputation: 7505
Try to tone down the emotions. We should never let work rise to the most important thing in the world. And the work environment can be like a 'echo chamber' for emotions, with our emotions fanning the flames of others.

People are seen positively for how much they use their brains and speech, or negatively for how emotional they get.

Depending on your background and your part of the country, this type of rushing in to defend or retaliate is deep-rooted, such as with the Scots-Irish who set up largely in the southeast and northeast. It's hard to battle this "culture of honor" when so ingrained, but if others don't possess that, it will be two very different cultures clashing.

Last edited by Thoreau424; 04-03-2019 at 09:18 AM..
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Old 04-03-2019, 09:37 AM
 
325 posts, read 395,635 times
Reputation: 671
So.. you were okay with busting each other's balls... until someone hit a nerve. Then one guy becomes an *******?
Either you need to learn to laugh things off, or tone down on the office banters. If the other dude is cool with you and vise versa, then just tell him privately that there's certain things that you'd like to be "off-limits". But honestly, it sounds like you just need to stop with the b.s. if you can't handle it, before you get yourself into trouble.

It's always better to be professional at the office. No one has ever lodged a complaint about someone being "too professional", you know?
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Old 04-03-2019, 09:46 AM
 
4,089 posts, read 2,951,711 times
Reputation: 7099
You overreacted. Beyond that, why wouldn't you just come back at him with "That's also where I met your mother!" Everyone would have laughed and it would be done; rather, you chose to get all uppity with him and now you can kiss the good natured joking and fun good-bye.
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