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Old 05-24-2019, 05:51 PM
 
6,971 posts, read 3,867,910 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kthnry View Post
The problem with this approach is that every time you reveal something unusual and personal about yourself to a new person, you have to deal with that person's reaction. You can see it on their face as they pause and process the information -- "Hmm, he said "partner." Does that mean he's gay? Should I say something supportive or just pretend it didn't register?" And you have to wonder what else they're thinking: "Ewww, death to queers; I'm not working with this guy" vs. "Cool! Maybe we can hang out." It can be a long, awkward pause when you're just chatting in the break room.

Have you ever had a tragedy, like a death in the family or a serious medical condition? Would you want to reveal this information separately to each of your 30 (or whatever) immediate coworkers in the ol' break room over the course of a month or so? Or would you rather just put it out there to everyone and get it over with?
I'm sorry, telling the writer that he, himself, is the one to decide what information to share is the best advice I could come up with.

As to your totally unrelated red herring of a question regarding a health problem, I would do what came naturally at the time. I trust my instincts; I believe everyone should.
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Old 05-25-2019, 07:10 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
22,553 posts, read 24,143,026 times
Reputation: 48956
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kthnry View Post
Have you ever had a tragedy, like a death in the family or a serious medical condition? Would you want to reveal this information separately to each of your 30 (or whatever) immediate coworkers in the ol' break room over the course of a month or so? Or would you rather just put it out there to everyone and get it over with?
Then maybe the better approach for the OP is to not to send out an email describing his relationship, but if he becomes friendly with one or two colleagues, he can be more open. That's generally how news is disseminated in my workplace. Nobody makes an announcement, but the news that B is out because she was diagnosed with breast cancer or that D and his wife are trying for a baby just trickles down. Nobody's judgmental or unprofessional about it.
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Old 05-25-2019, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
21,177 posts, read 11,785,778 times
Reputation: 32188
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
Then maybe the better approach for the OP is to not to send out an email describing his relationship, but if he becomes friendly with one or two colleagues, he can be more open. That's generally how news is disseminated in my workplace. Nobody makes an announcement, but the news that B is out because she was diagnosed with breast cancer or that D and his wife are trying for a baby just trickles down. Nobody's judgmental or unprofessional about it.
The thing is that no one ever has to "come out" about being straight because it's just accepted that people talk about their spouse/significant other and family, have pictures on their desk, and so on. Why should someone who is gay have to wait to "become friendly with one or two colleagues" before doing the same?
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Old 05-25-2019, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
22,553 posts, read 24,143,026 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74 View Post
The thing is that no one ever has to "come out" about being straight because it's just accepted that people talk about their spouse/significant other and family, have pictures on their desk, and so on. Why should someone who is gay have to wait to "become friendly with one or two colleagues" before doing the same?
I don't think that they strategically "have to wait," but becoming friendly with colleagues is generally how people get to know each other. Other posters were implying that OP should keep his mouth shut about anything other than work. Similarly, there was a thread on Ask A Manager this week about coming out as polyamorous at work, and many of the posters suggested that having allies in the office is key.
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Old 05-26-2019, 05:01 PM
 
Location: Arlington, VA and Washington, DC
23,642 posts, read 33,434,470 times
Reputation: 32362
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicahgoChicahgo View Post
I'm gay and been together with my partner for 15 years. At every job prior to my current one, at least one co-worker knew I was gay and in some cases, most co-workers did. Even then I am a private person and don't divulge a lot about my life. My current work environment is VERY conservative though and I've never felt comfortable being out to anyone. I'm starting a new job soon and it just seems ridiculous now at my age to either lie or not be open about myself to co-workers. I still don't plan on giving personal updates to co-workers, but it would nice to just be myself, and part of myself is that I'm gay.


In your current workplace, is it commonplace for gay people to be out and treated normally? I really do mean normally...no awkwardness, no weird treatment because they think you're a novelty, and no standoffishness.


Should I just start right off on my first day and say when my new manager asks where I live, "My partner and I just bought a house in XXXXXX."
Personally I keep my personal life on the quiet until I can read the room of the workplace fully. Being an atheist and not being a believer in family, marriage, or reproducing caused some strange looks because I worked in a super conservative industry for 11 years. Even in 2019, I wouldn’t be too quick to volunteer the fact that you are gay.
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Old 05-26-2019, 07:47 PM
 
Location: Washington
45 posts, read 13,818 times
Reputation: 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicahgoChicahgo View Post
I'm gay and been together with my partner for 15 years. At every job prior to my current one, at least one co-worker knew I was gay and in some cases, most co-workers did. Even then I am a private person and don't divulge a lot about my life. My current work environment is VERY conservative though and I've never felt comfortable being out to anyone. I'm starting a new job soon and it just seems ridiculous now at my age to either lie or not be open about myself to co-workers. I still don't plan on giving personal updates to co-workers, but it would nice to just be myself, and part of myself is that I'm gay.

In your current workplace, is it commonplace for gay people to be out and treated normally? I really do mean normally...no awkwardness, no weird treatment because they think you're a novelty, and no standoffishness.


Should I just start right off on my first day and say when my new manager asks where I live, "My partner and I just bought a house in XXXXXX."
Forget about being gay and just do the job. Don't put personal pictures on your desk you know may be divisive. This is a job.
Don't bring it up. You are already imagining a divide between yourself and co-workers so don't deliberately bring your personal life to work. Keep it at home where it belongs. Enjoy your co-workers, be kind, joke around and you will do fine.
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