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Old 06-13-2019, 09:20 AM
 
Location: U.S.
3,983 posts, read 6,552,912 times
Reputation: 4147

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Interesting comment from one of my employees yesterday and I was curious what other folks opinions are on here. A little background - I currently manage a team of 4. I am 45 and 2 of my 4 employees are almost 60. I have been managing this same group for about 2 years.

The same 2 I referenced above that are almost 60 are 1 male and 1 female, and from an outsider looking in, they are actually fairly similar in personality. They are both opinionated and stubborn and always believe that they are correct in most situations. They are both good workers and bring different skill sets to the team. They have constantly butted heads with each other over the past 2 years over differences in approach and opinions related to specific projects and processes that are my teams responsibility. I generally get along better with the male and have had a few run-ins of my own with the female over the last 2 years.

There has been at least 1 "intervention" to try to solve for some of the head-butting as it does sometimes create a difficult and awkward work environment for them and others.

Yesterday we were running through one of our monthly reporting exercises and the head-butting between the 2 began in earnest. I tried to remain neutral and guide the conversation to the task at hand, and interjected a few times to try to diffuse the "attitude" and "tone" that was prevalent for the duration of the process. We completed the task and everyone moved on with their day.

Later that afternoon, the female asked me to walk with her down to the caf. I asked her why and her response was "when an employee asks you to go for a walk, you don't ask why". I was a bit taken aback, but since she can be abrasive at times, I brushed it off and went for the stroll. On our way there she informed me that she would be appreciative if I would "show her a bit more empathy" as her manager when she is having a hard time with the male.

I think I was kind of stunned by the comment and wasn't sure how to respond, but I did tell her that she is as guilty of the condescending tone and attitude as the male employee and perhaps she should consider that. As in the past, when I don't agree with her, she immediately shut down and hasn't spoken to me since.

I have no problem showing empathy if someone is ill or if the circumstances merit it, but wondering what others thoughts are on this....

 
Old 06-13-2019, 10:03 AM
 
9,349 posts, read 8,268,322 times
Reputation: 19085
Sounds like you have two immature employees, with the female being the worst offender. I think at this point since this has gone on for years and may continue to escalate, you need to have a sit down with them both and let them know that while their opinions are valued, they need to both learn to share them in a more professional, constructive manner. Bickering at each other and then pulling their manager into their squabble isn't going to solve anything. If you can get someone from HR to attend, even better. I would also include this information onto both of their respective year end reviews and set goals for them to work better together for 2020. That way you have it all in writing.
 
Old 06-13-2019, 10:18 AM
 
10,600 posts, read 12,062,327 times
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Yep, OP, Florida2014 is giving you EXCELLENT advice.....have HR sit it when you speak to her...and separately him also.... so you've preemptively countered any "unfair treatment" or retaliation allegations she might make against YOU.
 
Old 06-13-2019, 11:48 AM
 
7,759 posts, read 3,857,300 times
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I'm surprised at her age she is comfortable being this frank. Due to ageism if let go, this will probably be her last job. Her finances must be in a good place.

That being said, I think empathy is used in the wrong context here and she is being manipulative. As a manager you should alert HR to cover yourself that this conflict between the two is brewing and continues to be present. Is there any way you can separate the two more and have them continue their contributions? Perhaps just have them independently work and you accept or reject their proposals independent of each other. Don't force them to work together.
 
Old 06-13-2019, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Chandler, AZ
3,285 posts, read 2,649,441 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uconn97 View Post
Later that afternoon, the female asked me to walk with her down to the caf. I asked her why and her response was "when an employee asks you to go for a walk, you don't ask why". I was a bit taken aback, but since she can be abrasive at times, I brushed it off and went for the stroll. On our way there she informed me that she would be appreciative if I would "show her a bit more empathy" as her manager when she is having a hard time with the male.
Sounds like she doesn't respect you.
 
Old 06-14-2019, 06:01 AM
 
Location: U.S.
3,983 posts, read 6,552,912 times
Reputation: 4147
Thanks all for the advice and comments. I appreciate the insight.
 
Old 06-14-2019, 06:36 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Even though all posters have immediately jumped on your bandwagon, I do have some clarifying questions I'd like to ask.

Are you male?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uconn97 View Post

I generally get along better with the male and have had a few run-ins of my own with the female over the last 2 years.
Why, if they are both good workers and have similar personalities?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uconn97 View Post

There has been at least 1 "intervention" to try to solve for some of the head-butting as it does sometimes create a difficult and awkward work environment for them and others.
Led by you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uconn97 View Post

Later that afternoon, the female asked me to walk with her down to the caf. I asked her why and her response was "when an employee asks you to go for a walk, you don't ask why". I was a bit taken aback, but since she can be abrasive at times, I brushed it off and went for the stroll.
I agree with her. Why did you ask why? Are you not aware that this is a way of asking for a private conversation with you?

If the male employee had made the same comment to you, would you also have considered him "abrasive"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uconn97 View Post

On our way there she informed me that she would be appreciative if I would "show her a bit more empathy" as her manager when she is having a hard time with the male. I think I was kind of stunned by the comment and wasn't sure how to respond, but I did tell her that she is as guilty of the condescending tone and attitude as the male employee and perhaps she should consider that.
Did you ask her to explain what she meant by "hard time"? You've observed them before, but you really don't know what these interactions are like from their respective sides. Did you ask her to elaborate, or did you just immediately begin accusing her of being condescending?

Asking an employee to elaborate is a good way for you to gather yourself when you are "stunned."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uconn97 View Post

As in the past, when I don't agree with her, she immediately shut down and hasn't spoken to me since.
Not surprising, since her attempt to level with you and explain what her work day is like from her perspective, not yours, was flipped back to her, and it sounds like no resolution was reached.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uconn97 View Post

I have no problem showing empathy if someone is ill or if the circumstances merit it, but wondering what others thoughts are on this....
I think you have a real problem on your hands, and you need to do some serious, honest self-examination. I'd like you to not get defensive, but try to answer these questions honestly. I DO think empathy was the right word here, and it sounds like you are confusing it with "sympathy."
 
Old 06-14-2019, 07:12 AM
 
2,970 posts, read 2,762,264 times
Reputation: 3176
All 3 of you need to do some serious, self-examination.

I am surprised that you asked the female employee why she wanted you to walk her to her car.

Are you not able to detect the reason behind her request without asking her?

I would have been frustrated with you if you asked me that question.

Did you just decide to lead an intervention?

Exactly what do you expect any of your employees to do when one of them tries to explain their side of the situation, and they are told that you disagree? Exactly what are they supposed to do when no resolution was made? I would think that this was the purpose of their trying to explain their side of the situation.

Their is a difference between empathy and sympathy.

Empathy is the ability to experience the feelings of another person. It goes beyond sympathy, which is caring and understanding for the suffering of others. Both words are used similarly and often interchangeably (incorrectly so) but differ subtly in their emotional meaning.

Empathy is needed here.

Exactly what did you expect an intervention to accomplish when empathy is needed instead, and would could possibly produce better results?

If this continues, you may loose other employees on your team.

Last edited by snugglegirl05; 06-14-2019 at 07:24 AM..
 
Old 06-14-2019, 07:39 AM
 
12,101 posts, read 17,040,661 times
Reputation: 15764
Believe it or not, I'm actually more curious about what it is that you do, that would create all this stubbornness and infighting and office politics and drama.

Yes, that stuff happens here too. We have a stubborn, opinionated employee who has managed to get on just about everybody's bad side. It's just a matter of time before the **** hits the fan.

I think your solution was good. Throw it back to them to an extent and let them know that they are being somewhat immature.
 
Old 06-14-2019, 07:48 AM
 
23,177 posts, read 12,138,096 times
Reputation: 29347
Quote:
Originally Posted by snugglegirl05 View Post
All 3 of you need to do some serious, self-examination.

I am surprised that you asked the female employee why she wanted you to walk her to her car.

Are you not able to detect the reason behind her request without asking her?

I would have been frustrated with you if you asked me that question.

I disagree. As manager, I would want to know if this is a personal matter or a work issue. It affects where this discussion is held. I wouldn't want to discuss a personal matter while walking where someone might overhear it. That belongs in a closed office. I might also want a HR or other 3rd party presence. And I would need to know if this is likely a quick issue that can be resolved with a short chat or a more serious issue that needs a block of time allocated.
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