Retired law enforcement here?? (payment, job, career, companies)
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My husband was pretty much forced into retirement from law enforcement almost 3 years ago for medical reasons.
He spent 27 years in emergency services - EMS, fire, law enforcement - and even spent a year as an instructor at the FBI academy. When he was forced to retire, after 4 doctors telling him for a year if he continued he'd wind up paralyzed or dead, he had been very pro-active road patrol. We worked for a very large department and he was in physical altercations at least 3 times a week. We had a large problem with drug dealers and gang members in his district. He thrived in it!
Don't get me wrong. The BS that goes in any department gets old and you have the days when all you can think of is retiring. But at the end of every day he knew he was doing what he loved and couldn't honestly think of giving it up.
So, now we're a couple states away. He's retired and has medical issues that put him totally out of commission for weeks at a time. He's a stay at home dad with 3 teens still living in the house. We've got pets and a home that is very old and always in the middle of a renovation of some kind. So, he has plenty to keep his mind occupied.
But he's suffering horrible frustration, anxiety, depression, etc. He is not adapting to retirement at all. He tried talking to my father about it one day - he retired from the same department after 30 years - but my father is thrilled to be retired. He just doesn't understand.
I left the department as well, about 3 years before my husband, and I miss it greatly. But, I'm working. I have a new career - accounting, does it get any more boring than that? - so I can at least focus on that I guess. So maybe that's why it's not as hard for me.
I just don't know what to do for him. He calls me at work all the time. God help us all when he watches Cops, yelling at them that they aren't using enough force or 'why don't you just climb in that window and sit on his lap'. The ultimate Monday night quarter back. LOL. Poor guy is beyond miserable and it's affecting the kids. He has never been too good at making a difference between how he treats a criminal on the street and his children. I can't make him understand that you can't yell and lecture your kids into things. They've started calling him the warden now. Sadly, they're right. I'm now trying to hold down my job and raise the kids over the phone.
Anyway, back to topic. I don't know what to do. He has friends, but they are still working. Talking to them just gets him wound up again. Then he's depressed for days. He's feeling very worthless, even though I continually remind him that I was the stay at home parent for 10 years. I know how hard that job is. But nothing I do or say seems to help. We live in an icredibly rural area - less than 200 people in our town - so it's not like he can go out and meet other retired deputies or officers or troopers or anything. Anyone have any ideas?
Oh, and he's not a big internet forum person either. Already tried that.
Gees... tough one because of his manly man attitudes... he prolly wouldn't want to talk to a department therapist about transitioning into retirement life... so how about suggesting something he might enjoy... does he belong to a target shooting range, or does he hunt, could he get interested in writing a book/let on new procedures... maybe things he knows and understands from his perspective would improve the job he loved so much... is there any chance he could now teach new recruits on a specific area of the job, etc? He needs something where he still feels worth and value as a man in greater world. He doesn't feel he's contributing in a meaningful way and the only way he knew has now been cut off from him.
Sounds to me like he's pretty depressed and you could and I don't mean to sound like a drama queen, but you could end up with a suicidal husband if an answer isn't found. It sounds like classic symptoms to me.
Good luck and please keep us posted on how it's going and how you're doing. You're in a very difficult spot yourself with all this.
Gees... tough one because of his manly man attitudes... he prolly wouldn't want to talk to a department therapist about transitioning into retirement life... so how about suggesting something he might enjoy... does he belong to a target shooting range, or does he hunt, could he get interested in writing a book/let on new procedures... maybe things he knows and understands from his perspective would improve the job he loved so much... is there any chance he could now teach new recruits on a specific area of the job, etc? He needs something where he still feels worth and value as a man in greater world. He doesn't feel he's contributing in a meaningful way and the only way he knew has now been cut off from him.
Sounds to me like he's pretty depressed and you could and I don't mean to sound like a drama queen, but you could end up with a suicidal husband if an answer isn't found. It sounds like classic symptoms to me.
Good luck and please keep us posted on how it's going and how you're doing. You're in a very difficult spot yourself with all this.
{{{mrs1885}}} hugs for you.
Gale
He tried a therapist and the guy was a quack. Told him if a certain medication didn't make him feel perfect he must be bi-polar. Idiot.
He doesn't hunt and couldn't at this point. He loves to shoot and we've got a range set up in the back of our property for him. Problem is, it's a slope going down to it and he's fallen and rolled a few times already, thinking he'd broken his hip. So now he won't go out there. Thankfully; I always worry about him when he tries. The things he loves to do he can't anymore. With his health he has times where he's bedridden for weeks at a time. Opening the back door in the bedroom for the dogs to go out is about all he can handle.
He's actually a very talented writer. He wrote an entire book about his years as an EMS Captain in Camden, NJ during the years it was ranked the most dangerous city in the US. Excellent book. I read it when we were just friends and was hooked - couldn't put it down. He started another from his years as a fire fighter Chief for Orange County, NJ. He's also written quite a few children's books. Getting them published is another story.....
Teaching is out. We'd thought of that when we first moved, but with his health, never knowing day to day if he can get out of bed there's no way he'd be reliable enough for it. Too bad, because he was phenomenal at what he did.
I've worried often about his mental state. Not just the depression, but living in agony 24/7. I couldn't do it. Poor man never has a single second in his life that he's not in pain. I can't imagine.
On the upside, financially we're doing much better. He bought himself a new guitar the other day - well, put it on layaway for a couple weeks. But that should keep him happy for a while. We're doing some work to the house and we have a cleaning lady, so he can be in charge of all of that. But winter is here too, and it's his worse time of the year. Hopefully spring will come around soon. He can do some gardens or something when he's feeling up to it.
As a good writer, would he be interested in starting a blog or developing on-line continuing ed courses? It would give him at least a vicarious connection to the old days. If he worked EMS in Camden, he must have some incredible stories.
maf763, that sounds like a good idea, a blog. The husband could reference police and emergency dockets from around the country and write a blog on the pros and cons of methods of resolution and final results. That could take a lot of time on a daily basis as well as inducing physical imagery to replace the actual being there.
mrs1885, sometimes experiences of anxiety or depression could be stimulated by allergy reactions. I experience irritability just from local pollens. You might subscribe to Pollen.com for a daily report and see if different levels relate to different attitudes for your husband. Allergies one may otherwise never know they have. And, BTW, sometimes anger itself is the stimulus of depression. Being angry about something and unable to do anything about it... depressing.
Growing up I 'learned' a good work ethic. Go to school, get a good job, make money... yada yada yada. The end stress was that I always thought I was supposed to be doing something. Well, I've chucked all that and spend a lot of time commenting on blogs and forums... like here. The real point is your husband needs to understand and accept he is where he is doing what he is doing and all in all... it's a good thing.
So I think something along the lines writing, sharing knowledge, being instructive for others is a usefull endeavor. And hey, some bloggers have a 'tip jar' for those who want to show appreciation for that wealth of knowledge.
maf763, that sounds like a good idea, a blog. The husband could reference police and emergency dockets from around the country and write a blog on the pros and cons of methods of resolution and final results. That could take a lot of time on a daily basis as well as inducing physical imagery to replace the actual being there.
mrs1885, sometimes experiences of anxiety or depression could be stimulated by allergy reactions. I experience irritability just from local pollens. You might subscribe to Pollen.com for a daily report and see if different levels relate to different attitudes for your husband. Allergies one may otherwise never know they have. And, BTW, sometimes anger itself is the stimulus of depression. Being angry about something and unable to do anything about it... depressing.
Growing up I 'learned' a good work ethic. Go to school, get a good job, make money... yada yada yada. The end stress was that I always thought I was supposed to be doing something. Well, I've chucked all that and spend a lot of time commenting on blogs and forums... like here. The real point is your husband needs to understand and accept he is where he is doing what he is doing and all in all... it's a good thing.
So I think something along the lines writing, sharing knowledge, being instructive for others is a usefull endeavor. And hey, some bloggers have a 'tip jar' for those who want to show appreciation for that wealth of knowledge.
Excellent idea and there are self-publishing sites... companies who can print and bind for you and they ship them to you, but even a better idea might be if he researched E-books!!! He could open a blog and subscribe to law enforcement, fire-fighter, EMS sites, ebay, forums such as CD, etc., to promote his books, as well as creating a Paypal account for instant payment and e-shipment of the book.
That would at least get him perked up and seeing sunlight (success) and from there, it might assist in turning his feeling like it's 'over' into a feeling of 'hey!, it's a new day'!
I commend your husband and I'm glad he made it out safe! My husband is a LEO and it terrifies me. Like your husband he thrives on it.. So far he's been maced , hit with the night stick and badly hurt with that.. Punched in the face, bit, vomited and pee'd on etc etc.. We're only 25 and have MANY years till retirement for him but I'm literally counting down the days,, cause his career brings MUCH stress and anxiety to me. He wants to eventually be a judge as a "second career" as he calls it but till then is all about road patrol. I'd be pretty happy with him being a detective, but thats "boring paper work" and if he's not chasing or arresting someone its not fun.. Ugh men lol!
From one cop's wife to another who is scheduled to retire within the next 3 years, look for hobbies that he has an interest in like being a DARE officer, or maybe he can volunteer to help out at his old job when things get busy, even if it's just typing up reports or helping question suspects if they need a 'quiet cop'. He could even ask about doing a ride a long every once in a while if his dept does allow that kind of thing. He could teach self awareness or self defense to elderly women, or young children, or even church groups, teachers groups, etc. He could also hire out as a guard at away games for your local sports teams or coaches, etc. Another interesting thing my husband has talked about is talking to an insurance company about doing some of their investigations - like accident reconstruction, workers comp fraud, etc. He may be able to find something to fill in some hours with a transitionary position until he's ready to let go full time, ya know? I hope he can find what he needs to keep him active and happy. I've seen it happen so many times - it's almost like when lifer prisoners get out of prision, they don't know what to do and seem like they really want to get caught again and go back. Isn't it sad that I just compared our retired law enforcement to criminals? Sorry about that, but you get what I mean.... If he ever does want to chat on here, dm me and I'll hook him up with my DH! Good luck to you both!
And don't worry about the kids calling him names - my daughters now call my hubby "Major Spongebob" I think it's funny and so does he, but I'm quite certain there's some nastiness in it somewhere, because they look at each other and laugh every time one of them says it.
With many police officers retirement is very difficult as their identity is strongly connected to the job.
Forced retirement due to a medical condition just increases the intensity of the problem as it becomes tied into mid life issues and a focus on the many things that the individual can no longer do or can no longer perform at prior levels of achievement. There seems to be no quick fix, some of it just takes time. The ones that seem to do best find their way into a second life, career, education, trade, or some creative endeavor. The experience with the bad counselor is unfortunate as police are skeptical of experts who are going to present them with new solutions prior to gaining their trust. The other members seem to be on the right track with creative ideas. Some of the being in charge at home may be a way to hang on to some type of enforcement / authority identity during the present time.
My husband was pretty much forced into retirement from law enforcement almost 3 years ago for medical reasons.
He spent 27 years in emergency services - EMS, fire, law enforcement - and even spent a year as an instructor at the FBI academy. When he was forced to retire, after 4 doctors telling him for a year if he continued he'd wind up paralyzed or dead, he had been very pro-active road patrol. We worked for a very large department and he was in physical altercations at least 3 times a week. We had a large problem with drug dealers and gang members in his district. He thrived in it!
Don't get me wrong. The BS that goes in any department gets old and you have the days when all you can think of is retiring. But at the end of every day he knew he was doing what he loved and couldn't honestly think of giving it up.
So, now we're a couple states away. He's retired and has medical issues that put him totally out of commission for weeks at a time. He's a stay at home dad with 3 teens still living in the house. We've got pets and a home that is very old and always in the middle of a renovation of some kind. So, he has plenty to keep his mind occupied.
But he's suffering horrible frustration, anxiety, depression, etc. He is not adapting to retirement at all. He tried talking to my father about it one day - he retired from the same department after 30 years - but my father is thrilled to be retired. He just doesn't understand.
I left the department as well, about 3 years before my husband, and I miss it greatly. But, I'm working. I have a new career - accounting, does it get any more boring than that? - so I can at least focus on that I guess. So maybe that's why it's not as hard for me.
I just don't know what to do for him. He calls me at work all the time. God help us all when he watches Cops, yelling at them that they aren't using enough force or 'why don't you just climb in that window and sit on his lap'. The ultimate Monday night quarter back. LOL. Poor guy is beyond miserable and it's affecting the kids. He has never been too good at making a difference between how he treats a criminal on the street and his children. I can't make him understand that you can't yell and lecture your kids into things. They've started calling him the warden now. Sadly, they're right. I'm now trying to hold down my job and raise the kids over the phone.
Anyway, back to topic. I don't know what to do. He has friends, but they are still working. Talking to them just gets him wound up again. Then he's depressed for days. He's feeling very worthless, even though I continually remind him that I was the stay at home parent for 10 years. I know how hard that job is. But nothing I do or say seems to help. We live in an icredibly rural area - less than 200 people in our town - so it's not like he can go out and meet other retired deputies or officers or troopers or anything. Anyone have any ideas?
Oh, and he's not a big internet forum person either. Already tried that.
First...thank your husband for the years of service he has given to his citizens and the city/county he worked in. While everyone slept comfy in their beds, your husband was out on the streets dealing with the scum of the earth. Hat's off to him !
It sounds like your husband needs to go see a shrink and if the shrink sessions do not help, he may very well need some type of anti-depressant or generalized anxiety medication. Zoloft, Paxil, Xanax and Klonopin come in mind.
I think if he finds a good shrink and is able to talk openly every week or so, it will help him tremendousely ! Talking does wonders. And yes...at first he will be against the idea and I'm sure your husband is a very stubborn guy, but coax him into it....offer him incentives like a body massage if he goes or some home-made dessert.
Sounds like your husband is very bitter about having to go on disability and that his sense of worth has plummeted. Being in a very rural area does not help things either since he left a busy metropolitan departments. I would get depressed too !
So yes....get professional help. Keep insisting, offer incentives and I guarantee you that will help him out immensely. Remember "doctor shopping". The 1st shrink may not be the right shrink. Some people have to go see several shrinks before they find out that "clicks" and that works for them. Remember that ! I am in the public safety field as well....so I know all about the hours, the stress and the risks involved. Good luck to him, you and your family.
ps...if he does publish a book, PM me, I will be the first one to buy ! I am a fire-rescue Lieutenant here in South Florida for a fairly busy department, so I love reading stuff like that !
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Sadly, they're right. I'm now trying to hold down my job and raise the kids over the phone. 
