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Ok first let me start out by stating I know I have my faults. One of them is being direct. I've honestly, honestly been working on that. I try to think of gentler ways to approach situations and I thought I'd been doing good. I really, really did.
Then today, during a bi-weekly one-on-one meeting I have with my boss, he tells me that a couple of people have complained about me. They said I was difficult to work with. He then wanted to know what I had to say about that.
I was taken totally off guard and I was shocked. I asked who, though I did say I didn't expect he would be able to tell me. He said he couldn't of course. I then said I have no idea what I've done. Could he tell what this was in reference to? He couldn't or wouldn't.
So I"m sitting there, visibly upset, wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did or said.
I can come up with 2 scenarios where there may have been hurt feelings. One was when a PM dropped a task on my lap, said it was due that afternoon, and she couldn't help. This particular task was one that she had said the week prior, that she would do. I was upset that she waited until the last minute to give this to me and wash her hands of it. And she knew I was upset. I didn't yell, say anything wrong or what might be considered rude, but I was perturbed. I am not one that will let something fall thru the cracks and people know this.. so although this isn't a common occurance, it isn't uncommon either from this person. I explained this to my boss and he agreed it wasn't a fair or right thing to do,,, but again if this isn't one of the issues I have no clue what is.
The other scenario I can think of is there is someone that sits by me and we work on a LOT of projects together. She frequently doesn't capture the whole gist of what a client is requesting or asking for, be it data, a web page enhancement, a question of whether we can do something or not, etc. She's the Proj. Mgr and I'm the Technical Mgr. We each have different strong suits and we know this. So when she conveys something to the client that isn't "true" or what was requested, I sometimes have to pick up the pieces and either sit with her (at her request!) and help her write a correction email. I try to help but I can sense her getting mad at me. I keep thinking I'm trying to help in the wrong way, so maybe I overcompensate, but I apologize, I bend over backwards but I think it just makes her more upset. She says she's not but you can just tell...
Anyway, I'm still upset by this. I really, really am trying and I just don't know what to do or how to correct whatever it is that is wrong, when I really don't know what is wrong.
I kind of feel like I've been put in an unfair position. I am suppose to defend, explain, justify or apologize for my actions AND correct them, but I'm not sure what it is that is actually the problem.
I don't know anything, what if it was just a bad day for a lot of people, a bad meeting, something I said out of context, etc.
Its also hurtful because now I'm suspicious of everyone. And I know that I would do whoever the courtesy of approaching them first (we've all worked together for years) yet I'm not getting that courtesy back...
I am rambling so I'll close for now. Thanks for listening.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I hate to even mention this, but your boss could be lying about the whole thing. I mean, you're not being given any specific information or any actions to take. As for your boss not being allowed to tell you any specific info---I just don't buy that. If you're accused of something, you always have the right to know your accuser. I've rarely worked with bosses who would get involved in coworker conflicts to begin with. Those few who did would call a meeting with both of them and mediate a way for them to forge a working relationship. Or refer it to HR.
You also have to look at the result of the meeting: it undermines your professional relationships with everyone and shakes your confidence. Like your boss didn't know that would happen? I'd say the person who is having trouble working with you is your boss (the old "i have a friend" story) and he/she is trying to avoid any kind of confrontation. I'd be watching my boss like a hawk.
I honestly don't think it's my boss. I won't totally disregard the idea because you have a point, it could be.
I did receive this note today, via email, from him... trying maybe to help. Kind of makes me think it's definitely the first instance I described and possibly the second too, but everything is so damn vague...
"I know it is almost impossible not to focus on specific past instances. Instead, it might be most constructive to identify those areas where you are doing work that should, perhaps, be done by someone else. Together, we can work out how to manage that better."
And you are so right, it does undermime my relationships and confidence. I'm almost sick to my stomach over this.
I kind of want to tell "Boss" that he's not helping me at all like this, because I can't address what I don't know, but I'm just not sure that's the right thing to do, or even if it was, I almost feel like it wouldn't help matters.
It sounds like a frustrating situation. I get upset and over-worried when I get feedback like that at work, till I found out one mgr got a kick out of stirring people up over minor issues. Really, how are you supposed to respond without knowing the details. You can't explain your side or what happened. My guess is that its similar to my job in that they're not allowed to tell you exactly who is making the complaint but if they told you the specifics they know you'd be able to figure out who it was so it becomes a confidentiality problem. The problem is that with no idea what exactly they mean, you can get to worrying over everything. Very stressful.
That 2nd sentence may be saying that someone else is pushing work they should be doing onto you - in other words, they're messing up - not that you're not doing a good job of it. After re-reading it a few times, I'm still not sure. Maybe you can tell your boss you need more input into how to "improve your performance further" keeping it a general question but putting the ball back into his court. Hopefully, he can give some "specific guidance" without having to give details about the "complaints".
"Boss, I understand and respect your need to protect the confidentiality of complainants. However, if you can give me absolutely no information about the circumstances surrounding this complaint, it is utterly impossible for me to respond to the accusation in any fashion. I always strive to contribute to a positive workplace and will redouble my efforts."
Now contributing to a positive workplace should include holding everyone equally accountable for their responsibilities, helping teammates overcome their weaknesses, etc. But now isn't the time to mention that. The purpose of the meeting was for you to eat a little humble pie, and if you do that, everyone can move on. If you don't, it just prolongs the inevitable.
Thanks Midwestmom, that's exactly how I feel and I am a worrier, so I will worry this to death. It helps just to have someone who understands, so again, thank you. I can't really talk about this at work, nor do I want to. I don't want to bring anyone else into this if it can be helped and I don't want people to feel like they need to take my side or any side for that matter and of course there are a host of other concerns. Anyway, again thank you.
Kodaka, I wish I would have responded like that. I was just shocked and at a loss for words. It wasn't at all what I was expecting today. Our meetings are generally so I can fill him in on the status of my projects. He did say that we could talk later, so I will take that opportunity to be more gracious and just take it from there.
As an aside, if this is truly a problem for someone(s) is it inappropriate for me to ask HR for help and/or a mediator or something? I am in no danger of losing my job, but I want to make every effort to correct this
Research both workplace mobbing and constructive discharge.
This whole BS that your manager is doing is the first phase of getting you to resign so that the company doesn't have to pay your unemployment or severance. It is a low class and unethical method.
This was done to two people that I know. One friend has been a supervisor for many years and found that several people were treating her like dirt with the consent of the boss. Then she was demoted. And then ugly rumors started spreading about her. She used to tell me that she wasn't going to be able to tolerate working there for much longer.
Another friend was forced to resign but received unemployment benefits anyway because it was founded by EEOC that the boss and assistants had harassed her into leaving.
I hate to even mention this, but your boss could be lying about the whole thing. I mean, you're not being given any specific information or any actions to take. As for your boss not being allowed to tell you any specific info---I just don't buy that.
I agree with you on that point. My manager tried to pull the same stunt by making up a false argument, claiming that a bunch of people had requested I offer second level support in the mornings and help them more with their questions. Funny, when I asked people directly, no one admitted to it - in fact feedback about my second level service had never been an issue. He also claimed people were escalating questions to him instead of me on those days I was on duty. I asked for evidence, suggesting he simply look in his outlook inbox (every time a ticket is assigned to someone, an email notification is sent to their inboxes). When he stalled and claimed he didn't have time to look up the ticket numbers, I knew he was BSing.
From that point forward, I could never really trust him again.
"Boss, I understand and respect your need to protect the confidentiality of complainants. However, if you can give me absolutely no information about the circumstances surrounding this complaint, it is utterly impossible for me to respond to the accusation in any fashion. I always strive to contribute to a positive workplace and will redouble my efforts."
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Kodala worded it better than I did. I also wish I could come up with a good response like that when its needed. I get too flustered with a strong need to set the record straight. more defensive than angry. It's better if you're more professional and less emotional in your response.
Take this as an opportunity for personal change. A workplace is very political, and you have to learn to get along with many different types of people. Tell him you are sorry and that you will do your best to not have anything happen again. Try to win over the co-workers who you think complained.
It is always better to have friends than enemies. Getting defensive/not taking responsibility for mistakes (even unintentional ones) is an easy way to make enemies in the workplace.
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