World Jokes (for sale, hotel, limousine)

[Teak]

Originally Posted by dougie86

That reminds me of a joke from a M'sian neighbor.

A: I'm very proud that my son is in the University.
B: Congratulations. What's he studying?
A: He is not studying but they are studying him.

In fact, I feel sad for him Teak. Having obtained a bachelors degree from the US, ....... oh well.

Yes, I know of what you mean.

This is a joke told to me by a Malay man, which was used to explain the differences between the three races (Malay, Chinese, Tamil).

Three ships at sea are being battered by the wind and waves. All three captains are afraid of the boats sinking so they decide to prepare their people for possible evacuation.

The captain of the Tamil ship orders his sailors to prepare the lifeboats and load only the women, children, and invalid. This is because the Tamils are concerned about social justice issues.

The captain of the Chinese ship orders his sailors to prepare the lifeboats and load only the gold, silver and other valuable items. This is because the Chinese are concerned about wealth.

The captain of the Malay ship orders his sailors to form a committee to discuss the issue. First, they are to decide upon an organisational chart of the committee members, to show who is where in the hierarchy, and whose box is bigger than the others, etc. This is because the Malays are concerned about WHO IS IMPORTANT!

There. I told it. Say goodbye to Teak.......

[dougie86]

Originally Posted by Teak

There. I told it. Say goodbye to Teak.......

The last line is funniest.
My neighbor told us 2 popular shirt brands in M'sia: Boss & Bossini.

Mahathir went on vacation and Anwar covered his duty in his absence.
One day, Mahathir returned to the office to pick up some mail, he saw Anwar seated comfortably in his chair, and he was wearing a golf-shirt with the logo "Boss". The next day, Mahathir cut short his vacation, and came to work wearing a branded golf-shirt "Bossini".

"Bossini" means "here is the boss" or "I'm the boss" in Malay.

An Israeli doctor says,' Medicine in my country is so
Advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in
Another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says,' that is nothing; we can take a
Lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him
Looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor says,' in my country, medicine is so
Advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person,
Put it in another, and have them both looking for work in
Two weeks.

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, 'You guys are
Way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of
Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now
Half the country is looking for work.'

[Teak]

Originally Posted by dougie86

The last line is funniest.
My neighbor told us 2 popular shirt brands in M'sia: Boss & Bossini.

Yes; like the Bossini joke. Boss, ini. (This is the boss.)

Since I teach about water-related issues, one joke that I like is the play on words.

English - Malay
water - air (pronouned 'ay-er')
air -udara ('oo-dar-a')

So, the joke goes like this: It is so humid in Malaysia, that even the air is air. (Ere is ay-er. The air is water.)

[dougie86]

If you google "Gordon Campbell's clock", it'll lead you to the source of this story. So this one is a Canadian joke. Author unknown. Um, it's still safe to laugh at our politicians here in North America.


Gordon Campbell's Clock

Taking a wee break but couldn't resist this one:

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'These are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter..'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'that's Abraham Lincoln's clock: the hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Campbells clock?' Asked the man.

St Peter replied, Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.

[Teak]

That's a good one dougie86, ceiling fan....

Here is a classic joke about the Scots' predilection to whiskey.

Sandy McTavish had an old friend, Jock Murdock, who was quite ill. Sandy came to visit and Jock said, "Sandy, I've only a short time to live, I'm on my death bed lad."

Sandy knew that and in a non-committal way he said, "Aye, that a' know old friend."

Jock turned to Sandy and said, "Sandy, de ye nay ken that old bottle of Scotch that I hae been saving ah these years?"

Sandy, an aficionado, was immediately attentive and said, "Aye Jock, that I do."

Jock said, "Ye are guid friend and when I've passed I would have yee pour that Scotch on ma grave."

Sandy was profoundly moved for his own reasons. After considering Jocks request for an agonizing period he brightened, turned to Jock. "Aye- aye Jock I'll de that for an old friend, but ye wouldna mind if I put it through my kidneys first?"

[irman]

Scottish guy sits at home, bored stiff.
Wife says, go out and watch the soccer game.
So he goes, and comes back 90 minutes later.
Wife asks: how was the game.
Scottish guy says,
I walked all the way there,
and then when I got there
I was too tired to climb over the fence,
so I came home ....

[dougie86]

I think I just burst my lung laughing. ha ha ha .. with due respect not at the Scottish people whose virtue of thriftiness is admirable.

[Teak]

Originally Posted by dougie86

I think I just burst my lung laughing. ha ha ha .. with due respect not at the Scottish people whose virtue of thriftiness is admirable.

Yes, the Scots are known for thrift, or stinginess, take your pick. Loved your joke, irman!!

Of course, there is that famous one-line double entendre:

Wherever you find four Scotsmen, you will always find a fifth.

[irman]

Walking thru Chinatown, the stores are all labeled with true Chinese names, like Yee Sing or something like that. Then there is that one store that says, Macintosh Souvenirs .....

Inside is this rather old Chinese gentlemen and welcomes the visitor.

Visitor asks, Why is the store called Macintosh Souvenirs ?

Old gentleman explains:

I came to this country long time ago.
I come thru and the guy in front of me is from Scotland.
Official asks: what is your name ?
He says Macintosh .

My turn comes and official asks, What is your name ?

I say Sem Ting .....

[dougie86]

Good one irman. I always find this joke entertaining.
Often we can identify ourselves or someone we know with the caricature of the jokes, such as Jock Murdock and Sandy McTavish. My grandma had diabetes in her last years and did not had a drop of rice wine which has a high sugar content. When she passed away, we placed rice wine side by side with flowers at her tombstone. Can't remember we drank the rice wine or sprinkled it on the grave later.

This is one joke which is definitely a mirror image of yours sincerely.
At the Oxford U exam, the instruction reads: "write on one side of the paper."
At the Edinburg U exam, it reads: "please write on both sides of the paper."
I'll never waste paper.