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Old 06-15-2019, 03:58 AM
 
4,828 posts, read 1,533,853 times
Reputation: 1421

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I am writing a screenplay, and wanted to know how the first opening pages are so as far as grabbing a reader's attention goes, and what impression it makes.


I FEEL I SHOULD GIVE A VIOLENT AND SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING, JUST IN CASE


I had trouble copying and pasting it into here, and the formatting is not preserved in the correct formatting, so sorry about that. I wasn't able to fix it.

But what do you think? Any thing I should do different, or any changes that should be made?



FADE IN:


EXT. HIGHWAY, OUTSIDE CITY OUTSKIRTS -- DAY


It's summertime. The highway is beyond the outskirts of the city. A car is parked off the road, at a turn.


The car is hidden in bushes, and GUY KINNAMAN, 20s, is leaning up against it, waiting. He is dressed in plain casual clothes, and looks at his watch. He hears a car coming and it takes the turn and pulls up to where is.


He becomes nervous and sees that GANG MEMBER 1, 30s, is driving, and DENNIS CHALMERS, 50s, is in the back. They are dressed in all black with hats on. Chalmers opens the back door for Kinnaman and he gets in. They pull out and drive away.


INT/EXT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS


Kinnaman looks at both of them nervously.


CHALMERS
I'm just going to search you.


Chalmers frisks him for a wire or weapons. Kinnaman sees that they are heading up a mountain road, and sees the cabin they are heading towards, at the top. Chalmers finishes searching him and sits back.


CHALMERS
(to GANG Member 1)
He's clean.


EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP -- DAY


The car pulls up to a cabin and parks.


GANG members 1 and Chalmers get out, and open the door for Kinnaman. He steps out, and follows them to the Cabin.


CHALMERS
(to Kinnaman)
Alright, this is it. Through this door, you're one of us. Are you certain that's what you want?


Kinnaman nods, nervously.


KINNAMAN
Yes.


Chalmers knocks on the door and GANG MEMBER 2, let's them in. Chalmers gestures for Kinnaman to and GANG Member 1 to go in first.


INT. LODGE -- CONTINUOUS


Chalmers leads Kinnaman past GANG MEMBERS 3, 4, 5, and 6, who make a path for them. They are all wearing black ski masks, gloves, and all black clothes. JOHN WRAY, early 30s, is also there in a mask, gloves and same clothes.


Kinnaman breathes heavily, walking over to a bed... On the bed lies FRANCESCA FORD, 30s.


She's tied up, blindfolded, and gagged... She coughs and breathes hard in fear -- She has ACOUSTIC EARMUFFS, tied around her head so she cannot work them off.


Chalmers circles around behind him, waiting...


CHALMERS
Alright, son, the clock is ticking...


KINNAMAN
Who is she?


CHALMERS
She's someone who deserves it.


KINNAMAN
Can I get some privacy?


CHALMERS
We have to watch, to make sure.


Chalmers hands Kinnaman a condom... Kinnaman hesitantly moves over to her. In the corner of the room is a mirror on the wall.


INT. BACK ROOM -- CONTINUOUS


We see the mirror is a one way mirror with GANG MEMBER 5 and 6 on the other side. They have a camera on a tripod, with zoom lens, aiming through the mirror. They zoom in on Kinnaman and get a good shot of his face, while recording.


KINNAMAN


Proceeds to undo his pants. All the other eyes are on him.


He puts the condom on and masturbates to get an erection going, but cannot...


He moves closer to helpless Francesca and looks to other men nervously, while breathing hard and sweating -- Chalmers comes up behind.


Kinnaman looks at the others, and then goes back to his seat and sits in shame...


Chalmers comes over and pats him on the shoulder, and looks to the others, who give their disapproval -- He nods to them and Gang Member 1, walks in to take over, but --


GANG member #3 heads to look -- GANG member #2 dumps bleach all over the bed and walls.


Kinnaman is scared and looks to Francesca -- She cannot hear well as to what's going on --


GANG Member #1 walks past Kinnaman. He pulls out a COMBAT STYLE KNIFE and Kinnaman gets up and backs away --


KINNAMAN
WAIT! Just because I can't do it, doesn't mean I'm not devoted!


GANG MEMBER #1
You failed the test.


Kinnaman backs away. They see he his afraid and comes closer.


KINNAMAN
Now wait! I'm on your side.


CHALMERS
We have you on video, trying to rape her.


Kinnaman becomes alarmed.


CHALMERS
You're going to do exactly as we say or that video will end you.


GANG MEMBER 1
We can't trust him, we need to kill him, now!


KINNAMAN
No, I won't tell anyone! I swear!


The GANG Members get closer. Chalmers turns to them.


CHALMERS
Just hold on.


Kinnaman grabs the chair he was sitting in and uses it to fend them off while running to a large window. The throws the chair through the window, smashing the glass --


He runs out the window and trips and falls to the ground. He rolls forwards, and gets up --


GANG Members 1 and Wray go through the window and chase after him.


A police car drives down the street in front of them. ART MULQUEEN,30s, sees Gang Members 1 and Wray in masks and gloves, running. He stops the car.


He turns on his police lights, and lets out a brief warning sound of the siren. He talks through the car's megaphone.


ART
Stop right there! Police!


GANG Member 1 runs around Art -- Art blocks Wray from getting past, and takes out his pistol. Wray bumps into Art and tries to shove past him -- Art taking him down in the process --


ART
Don't move!


GANG Member 3 comes catches up to them and sees Wray being arrested.


WRAY
(to GANG Member 3)
Cops, get out of here!


GANG Member 3 runs back towards the cabin. Art gets on top of Wray --


ART
Do not move!


He brings his arms behind his back --


ART
Get up, now!


Art moves Wray up and moves him towards the fence. He cuffs both his hands to the fence, and runs after GANG Member 3. He gets on his radio.


ART
Dispatch, I have a possible ten-thirt-eight. Request back up at District eleven.


Wray remains quiet. Art looks around and then goes behind Wray. He hand cuffs him behind his back, and pats him down.


ART
Get up.


He picks up Wray, and moves him over to his car.


ART
So... Is it turning into a bad day for you, or what?


Wray sighs in defeat... He sees the broken window of the lodge. He opens the back seat door, of his car, and places Wray inside, locking him in.


He moves over to the lodge, and gets on his radio.


ART
Got a possible B and E, I'm going to investigate.


INT. LODGE -- CONTINUOUS


Chalmers and GANG members 2 and 3 cut the ropes holding Francesca to the bed. Francesca struggles as they move her around.


CHALMERS
Put her on the back of the car!


ART


Hurries up to the house. He hears Francesca gasping and panting, through the window. He gets on his radio.


ART
Possible person in danger. I'm going in.


DISPATCHER (V.O.)
Wait for back up.


ART
She could be in danger. I'm going in now.


He runs around the house, to wear her noises are coming from. He can also hear Chalmers and the GANG members in commotion.


As he comes around the back, he sees GANG member 2 and 3, place her in the back of a car, and shut the door. They see him and run into the car and get in. He tries to get in front of them and stop him. He points his gun at them through the window, but they drive away.


ART
STOP THE CAR!


He runs after them and they get away. He aims his gun but cannot shoot cause of her safety.


He runs back the way he came and gets on his radio.


ART

Suspects are on the move in two black Hondas. I'm in pursuit.


Art heads back to his car. He gets in and drives after them, trying to catch up.
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Old 06-16-2019, 04:18 PM
 
665 posts, read 144,768 times
Reputation: 2249
I wouldn't know how to evaluate your script.

I've written novels, I own a few screenplays, I'm a film aficianado, I occasionally toy with adapting a novel I like for the screen (purely for my own amusement - I don't own the rights, and have no pretense to ever selling it on the off chance that I someday complete it), and I have no feel whatsoever for what constitutes a good or bad treatment.

Writing for the big screen is a very small niche, and I think the odds of finding someone here who can meaningfully assess your work are very long.
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Old 06-16-2019, 04:42 PM
 
4,828 posts, read 1,533,853 times
Reputation: 1421
Oh really I thought it was a bigger niche, cause it seems there are just as many moviegoers out their as novel readers, or so I thought.
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Old 06-16-2019, 05:21 PM
 
665 posts, read 144,768 times
Reputation: 2249
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironpony View Post
Oh really I thought it was a bigger niche, cause it seems there are just as many moviegoers out their as novel readers, or so I thought.
Well, I think there are. But it's one thing to see the interpreted product on the screen and quite another to see the script. Kinda like assessing Abbey Road or L.A. Woman solely by reading lyrics or arrangements.
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Old 06-16-2019, 07:18 PM
 
4,828 posts, read 1,533,853 times
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Oh yeah, that's true, but people are still going to judge it on the page first, so I wanted it to be as good as possible of course.

That's what other people have told me as well, they said it's hard to assess without seeing it as a movie, but I don't want to produce it as a movie until I have some idea of it's good on paper first, of course.
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Old 06-16-2019, 09:52 PM
 
5,405 posts, read 2,330,862 times
Reputation: 14968
The whole rape thing is a hard pass. It's just really bizarre.

I think it's just a script of your fantasies...at least it reads like that.
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Old 06-16-2019, 10:39 PM
 
4,828 posts, read 1,533,853 times
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Oh okay, how does it read like that though? I don't have that fantasy at all that is being portrayed in the script, so how does it read like that?
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Old 06-17-2019, 05:37 AM
 
Location: Washington State
172 posts, read 99,676 times
Reputation: 482
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
The whole rape thing is a hard pass. It's just really bizarre.

I think it's just a script of your fantasies...at least it reads like that.
I agree with this assessment. The rape seems meaningless. To Ironpony; the reason it reads like a fantasy is because of the meaninglessness. Nowadays there is almost no serviceable function for a rape scene to exist in a movie or book.
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Old 06-17-2019, 05:55 AM
 
Location: Washington State
172 posts, read 99,676 times
Reputation: 482
Here's the biggest thing you are going to need to consider. That rape (attempted) scene is going to sink your boat before it even gets out of the harbor. I stopped reading at the condom and then masturbation moment.

Most movies that have rape scenes save those scenes for later in the movie. Once the story, and more importantly, the storytelling is established.

If you go all 'clockwork orange' on your audience right out of the gate; you're gonna shut yourself down.
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Old 06-17-2019, 06:57 AM
 
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Oh okay thanks. The script is about the police investigating a series of kidnapping and rapes, being done by a gang, and trying to find who they are and catch them.

I figured that when a gang that goes around doing those sorts of crimes, that they would have a new member do it as a test when they join. But if such a gang was getting a new member to join would they do another test besides a rape to get in? Cause it seems to me that if a gang was going around doing kidnapping and rape crimes, as their M.O., then they would use the same M.O. as a test for a new recruit. But would they use something else to test a new recruit instead though?
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