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no fight left in me

Posted 12-08-2022 at 03:43 AM by trickydawn

It's that time again. The end of one year, the beginning of a new one. I lived. Made it all the way through, and will now begin the next year of survival. Not living, not finding peace, not reaching the goals I swore I would, and basically learn how to be a happy and independent woman for this second part of life. BUT NOPE. Seventh year in a row that I am face to face with the New year, and the only thing I am bringing to table, is another 12 months of me failing. And I am heading into this next year, not only carrying another years worth of emotional baggage ****ing with and my mental health, I'm bringing high blood pressure, swelling legs, painful ****ed up veins, plus a new tumor that is getting more and more painful very quickly and leaving me with no energy. I get to enjoy all that in this ****ing **** hole apt right smack in the middle of this puke of a city because I can't seem to stay focused and strong enough to do something for myself. I never have focused on me because I deserve to give myself joy, confidence, something so I know if I want or need to be completely self sufficient at any point, I can. ANYTHING, for me , from to me. But Nope. Oh, and guess what I won't be bringing with me into the next year.............Medical insurance. With all this new fun **** my body is going through, I still have failed to insure myself, even tho I keep making plans and have the money worked out in my head. Once again, because I am forever putting off anything that I should make sure I have in place for this kinda **** that ultimately, regardless of what they promise, nobody else will take care of. Like Matt, of course he wanted to take care of certain things, out of love and it falls under the Traditional male head of household category. So, health insurance was of course one of those things. Our retirement, so 401 K, stock holdings, our future financial security. Louie has also told me he wants to get me insured, take care of me and keep me safe and healthy. That's fine and dandy if they mean it and actually do it, not just say it every time i try to focus and talk about what I need to do and plan to so I can take care of myself. Like when I work, or plan to get work, college, take care of most anything that will give me peace of mind or fulfill a desire for whatever, there is always someone that will poo poo my intent, and insist they will handle it or debate my reasons to do it. AND I LET it postpone or sidetrack me, and than for whatever reason, it's no longer an option. Or I never get to focus on it and myself long enough to get it done.
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