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I have no reason to kee p living...

Posted 03-31-2024 at 11:31 AM by TNSLPPTSO13

As I get weaker and weaker;to the point that literally all I do after I get home from work is stay in bed and only get up for bathroom and maybe
eat something so I won't pass out....I just wonder what I will do if my cancer improves.
I don't have friends,close-by family. My nephew has decided to become a "digital nomad" by maybe moving to S.E. Asia with a wife and 2 kids.
He's already in Cambodia.
While I wasn't really expecting to be a burden on him as I got older;I just thought that maybe I could get some help socially;physically...by him just being there for me to put down as an emergency contact.
If I get better...what's next after I'm let go from my job of 46 years?..
I won't be able to pursue a physically active retirement...I walk with a cane due to peripheral neuropathy that has basically made me handicapped. So no long walks to estimulate my mood...whatever..
Swimming is/never was an option..Too many body dismorphia issues..Last time I was at a beach was 1971.
I will be struggling to live alone in Miami being a renter on $2857/month SS;always in the back of my head knwing that my rent will go up and I would be literally homeless with no family support system to help me.
I will always be sick....whether is the diabetes,chronic depression and HBP,neuropathy,anemia,beginnings of CKD;stage 4 cancer that's already on my liver.
I will always be alone....I've developed from an introvert to a full throttle misanthrope.
And I won't be able to escape the Medicaid nursing home with the constant smell of urine and decrepit humans that should not be alive screaming;moaning...Like the one I spent 4 months in after a toe amputation. This alone is enought for me to wish myself a sudden death
So why even think positively....It will be a worse quality of life for me if I live any longer.
I wish I had the balls to off myself..I'm a failure even at that.
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