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elnina exchange

Posted 09-20-2020 at 08:18 PM by jbgusa


Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina
I think you are taking some life events way too seriously.
Worry about internet forum suspensions? Seriously?
Or worry about few points down on the FICA scale while it doesn't make any difference since they aren't affecting the otherwise excellent credit?
Or dwell about a rabbi remark done 50 years ago?
Or that your parents sheltered you from some facts and events?
Or getting "extremely upset" about someone getting divorced??

You seem to overthink things, dwell on the past, ponder on things long done and not reversible. Are you a person who worries sick about every little inconvenience or meaningless event?
How does it work for you in your professional life??

I think you need to learn to let some things just go....

el.
Obviously you took a lot of time and put a lot of thought into writing this and I appreciate the care and attention. And I appreciate it.

Sometimes even when I don't know people in the "real world" I "meet" insightful and perceptive people. I was wondering if you have had training? I will take some of the points you made above individually:
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina
I think you are taking some life events way too seriously.
No question. That is in my DNA. It's who I am, for better or worse, richer and poorer, in sickness as in health...
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina
Worry about internet forum suspensions? Seriously?
There's an expression that at work and elsewhere in the outside world (these days mostly the tennis courts because of lockdowns) you don't discuss religion and politics. Those two topics, as well as books (theater and movies are locked) are among my favorites. Frankly, I am a political junkie. I feel comfortable doing that on this forum.

I have met MarkG(and a bunch of numbers) in person, with his and my wife, twice, and we mail books back and forth. We are opposite politically. I could never get away with those discussions at work or the tennis court.

Thus, a five-day suspension is a lot. Now, my sarcasm about FICO and IQ scores I took as sarcasm. As Ferd explained in another context, the more exact term for it was "gaslighting" rather than trolling. I love posting on this (and to a lesser extent) one other forum. Since I think of myself as a serious poster and contributor, and I think the mods by and large like me (with a couple of exceptions) I did take it seriously. Definitely too seriously.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina
Or worry about few points down on the FICA scale while it doesn't make any difference since they aren't affecting the otherwise excellent credit?
It did bounce up slightly. It is my insurance rates I am most concerned about. I no longer pay a mortgage so property taxes and insurance are my largest expenses. Again, I admit I went too far.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina
Or dwell about a rabbi remark done 50 years ago?
That is a more serious concern and one I can't shed so lightly.

The Jewish community (even the Reform Jews) is a closely nit group. That incident, in 2006 occurred in front of a lot of people. It was, frankly, a public humiliation. Also, my ability to participate in the interactive aspects of Torah Study (since the Rabbi calls on you) was shredded. After his apology and the first session on my return, my raised hand went unrecognized. I lost a major weekly pleasure I looked forward to. That was why, in November 2009 I started going to the other synagogue we belonged to (now only that one) and its Torah Study. That was a major improvement.

Making it better was my welcome from a high school classmate. He was the lay leader that morning. He stopped me as it was ending and said "Jim, didn't you wonder how I knew your name." That and other acquaintances and friendships were resumed and/or started. I was able to leave the former synagogue in May 2012, after my older son was "confirmed", a post-Bar Mitzvah honor. I was not going to let a fight among adults ruin a son's experience, religious or otherwise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina
Or that your parents sheltered you from some facts and events?
Again that is far more profound than an Internet kerfuffle.

I was, until my mother's remarriage after my father's early 1973 death, an only child. That put me in the jaws of a relationship with a volatile, though loving mother. Common in Jewish experience, i.e. the "Jewish mother." My relationship was always better with my "two fathers", i.e. my natural father, Jerry, and my stepfather, Ed. Especially so after I gained three siblings and a large poodle from the remarriage. I actually delivered about 90% of the eulogy at Ed's graveside funeral.

The mendacious nature of telling me of his illness was not entirely her responsibility. I post that story almost as much for the then current doctors' lack of candor. My mother was fed basically the "explanation of the week" from early October 1972 through the day after Thanksgiving, when they told her the cancer had metastasized to the liver and he didn't have long to live. I take it hard, Elnina, because I was deprived of the right to say goodbye to my father.

I mentioned my mother's volatile nature. My mother and my stepfather married in June 1974, when I was 17. As a now almost-adult son, I referreed a bunch of disputes, some financial and some more profound. On several occasions I can recall, I was the only one on talking terms with my mother, my stepfather, his son and his two daughters. Perhaps that foreshadowed my career as a lawyer.


On a positive note, my mother could be a genius. When my 10th Grade history teacher, Mrs. O, met my mother and (soon to be deceased) natural father at parent-teacher night that November, the meeting did not go well. In fact, from what I heard later they nearly came to blows, though my father was by nature a peaceful, accomplished professional. In April 1973 I sat for a written exam to get into AP History. Almost alone among the people who sat for the test, I was not admitted to the AP courses. I did take other Honors-level history in Fall 1973, Spring 1974 and Fall 1974. The Fall 1974 course was taught by the department chair, Mr. R. This is significant as the story develops. I received my early decision acceptance to Cornell just before Christmas 1974.

Spring 1975 was thus a leisurely semester. My mother suggested that I take the AP American History exam. I asked "why waste the money" on the test, since I was not in the course. She said "just take it." I found the test almost ridiculously easy.

After graduation, that summer, when I returned to my local town for a summer band concert, Mr. R, the department chair, pulled me aside and said he needed to talk to me. That was strange since I already held my diploma. He said "I wanted you to know, you got a '5' (a perfect score) on the AP exam, but please don't make too big a deal of it." I told my mother the good news along with the strange request "not to make too big a deal of it." My mother told me about Mrs. O's hoedown with my father, and thought he didn't want a story about the obvious discrimination to appear in the local paper. In any event I had no intention of spreading ill will in my hometown as I was leaving for college. That turned out to be a wise decision.

My mother's activities with regard to my courtship, engagement and marriage to Linda in 1990-1 put further stress on things. In hindsight, she must have had a problem with parting with an only biological son. I was faithful to my commitment that both my mother and stepfather would get the pleasures of "grand-parenting", something my stepbrother's wife cruelly deprived them of. Since my stepbrother's and his wife's marital problems were right, front and center I could not, for once, mediate or help. My mother made her snobbish attitude towards Linda quite clear. To Linda's everlasting credit, when my mother's and my relationship snapped after I took away her car keys because of dementia, Linda took over and did a lot of the things I would normally do. Linda is the true hero of that story.

So the "shielding" was basically Chapter 1 of the rest of my life with my mother. She was, at bottom, a loving and controlling person. But she went a bit too far.


P.S. -
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina
Or getting "extremely upset" about someone getting divorced??
Could you link me? There are two couples that could apply to.
Posted in Uncategorized
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    You write very well. ~GiGi603
    permalink
    Posted 09-23-2020 at 02:48 PM by GiGi603 GiGi603 is offline
 

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