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I'm NOT an alcoholic at all. In fact, I'm not a heavy drinker and my drinking patterns are rather inconsistent. Maybe one week I'll have a beer or two 1-3 days out of the week. Sometimes if its a festive weekend or long weekend I can drink throughout that weekend. There's even times where I'll completely forget about the beer or whiskey I'll have laying around and I'll give those beers away. MAYBE the whiskey. If not the whiskey, it easily be stored away for MONTHS and I can completely forget about it. i can easily go weeks without drinking, without a problem. In fact, I can count the moments I've had really bad hangovers on one hand in my 8 years of drinking (prior to being 25, I never drank at all).
However, this past Sunday I got COMPLETELY trashed and I can't even live with myself. I had to call out of work yesterday and today because I am too sick. Though I am getting better now, my mental health is suffering. I feel intensely embarrassed, ashamed, and not proud of myself whatsoever. To others they'll say "Oh, you must've had a good night!" To me, it was all NOT worth the price to pay how I feel. It's not worth me being in a state of vulnerability, where I can't recall moments clearly and where I wouldn't be able to be vigilant and aware. Not only for myself but my company, my family, friends, my girlfriend. It bothers me to no end that in that state I was in, I was just completely useless, that I became a burden to other people. That other people in my home had to clean up after me. It bothers me that my girlfriend is ignoring me, because I probably said something stupid over the phone. Now I'm stressing out if my relationship is over.
Normally, I never get trahsed, wasted, intoxicated in the manner I did on Sunday. In fact, I'm much more careful, much more vigilant and completely capable of having fun without alcohol and beer. I simply drank way too much than I intended but this isn't going to be an excuse. This hangover is so intense I've been contemplating suicide. I feel absolutely worthless and not good at all.
From here on out I am going to be sober indefinitely and maybe for good. I care way too much about my physical and mental health and I never want to feel this low again. I feel less than zero and don't even feel alive.
Anyway, I needed to get this catharsis out someway, somehow.
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