Why are adopted teens more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems? (birth mother, parents)
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Several studies have shown that kids who were adopted are a bit more likely than non-adopted kids to have psychosocial problems such as drug use, juvenile delinquency, and other self destructive behavior during their teen years and early adulthood. This seems to be the case with adopted kids in general, even those who were adopted as babies and have no memory of their life prior to adoption. Having had good, loving adoptive parents doesn't seem to change the outcome much either. I really wonder why that is. What is it that troubles these kids so much that they become self destructive?
My theory is that it's the feeling of abandonment and betrayal that affects the kids - the fact that their biological mother betrayed them by giving them up - consciously or subconsciously. Since children adopted at birth by great parents also seem to be more likely to have these problems it can't be attributed to lack of good care early in life (although I'm sure this has a significant impact on kids adopted at an older age). I believe that feeling loved and wanted is extremely important for kids, especially during the teen years when a lot is going on emotionally anyway, and the knowledge that their bio parents didn't want them must have a huge impact on the adopted kids. Kids who grow up without fathers are also more likely to have psychosocial problems and I think the cause is the same; the feeling of not being loved and wanted by their fathers. So I think with adopted kids the simple knowledge of being adopted is enough to cause emotional, and sometimes behavioral, problems.
What do you guys think, those of you who have adopted kids or are adopted yourself? Am I completely off with my theory?
Well yes, partly. But you also have to take genetics into play and trust me genetics are a big deal. Many of the reasons that birth mothers feel they need to allow their child to be adopted or the government deems them unable to be a parent, are the same things that many adopted children struggle with. Addiction, mental illness and other destructive behaviors have a strong genetic component. That said there are tons of children who were adopted that turn out just fine and many who excel, Steve Jobs, Dave Thomas, and my husband among them.
Several studies have shown that kids who were adopted are a bit more likely than non-adopted kids to have psychosocial problems such as drug use, juvenile delinquency, and other self destructive behavior during their teen years and early adulthood. This seems to be the case with adopted kids in general, even those who were adopted as babies and have no memory of their life prior to adoption. Having had good, loving adoptive parents doesn't seem to change the outcome much either. I really wonder why that is. What is it that troubles these kids so much that they become self destructive?
My theory is that it's the feeling of abandonment and betrayal that affects the kids - the fact that their biological mother betrayed them by giving them up - consciously or subconsciously. Since children adopted at birth by great parents also seem to be more likely to have these problems it can't be attributed to lack of good care early in life (although I'm sure this has a significant impact on kids adopted at an older age). I believe that feeling loved and wanted is extremely important for kids, especially during the teen years when a lot is going on emotionally anyway, and the knowledge that their bio parents didn't want them must have a huge impact on the adopted kids. Kids who grow up without fathers are also more likely to have psychosocial problems and I think the cause is the same; the feeling of not being loved and wanted by their fathers. So I think with adopted kids the simple knowledge of being adopted is enough to cause emotional, and sometimes behavioral, problems.
What do you guys think, those of you who have adopted kids or are adopted yourself? Am I completely off with my theory?
You nailed it--abandonment issues.
Children who have been abandoned have a harder time forming trusting relationships, since most of our adult relationships are based on the first few relationships we form in our life (which for most children is their biological parents). Adopted/foster children don't always have a stable adult figure in their lives that they can attach to. That said, these issues can come up with children who have neglectful or abusive biological parents, so it's not just knowing you're adopted, but the circumstances of not having a stable parental figure you can attach to as a young child (even if you aren't adopted) that can cause an attachment disorder.
We learn self-love from the love the first people in our lives give us. If there are no people present to love us unconditionally, or if instead those people are neglectful or abusive, then we never get an opportunity to fully develop our ability to self-love during that crucial development period. Of course it's not insurmountable and people can overcome attachment disorders, but the time lost as a child can never be replaced.
You can read more about attachment and the importance having at least one parental figure in early life through Attachment Theory.
I'm sure experiences in early life is the cause of problems for many adopted kids but not all adopted kids have had negative experiences, like being abandoned by a parent, early in life. Some kids are adopted at birth or at only a few months old and have never experienced abuse, neglect or abandonment. My theory is that it's the knowledge of having been abandoned that causes the emotional problems that in turn leads to behavioral problems.
My aunt was adopted at birth and had a wonderful family. Since her adoptive mom was her mom from day one she was able to experience appropriate attachment like any baby raised by their bio parents. She never had to feel the pain of being abandoned by someone she was attached to. But despite this she was pained by the knowledge that her bio mom did not want her. Even though she had never known her bio mom she still felt the abandonment simply because she knew that she was adopted and thereby had been given up. That is, I believe, the culprit as this is something all adopted kids have in common.
Several studies have shown that kids who were adopted are a bit more likely than non-adopted kids to have psychosocial problems such as drug use, juvenile delinquency, and other self destructive behavior during their teen years and early adulthood. This seems to be the case with adopted kids in general, even those who were adopted as babies and have no memory of their life prior to adoption. Having had good, loving adoptive parents doesn't seem to change the outcome much either. I really wonder why that is. What is it that troubles these kids so much that they become self destructive?
My theory is that it's the feeling of abandonment and betrayal that affects the kids - the fact that their biological mother betrayed them by giving them up - consciously or subconsciously. Since children adopted at birth by great parents also seem to be more likely to have these problems it can't be attributed to lack of good care early in life (although I'm sure this has a significant impact on kids adopted at an older age). I believe that feeling loved and wanted is extremely important for kids, especially during the teen years when a lot is going on emotionally anyway, and the knowledge that their bio parents didn't want them must have a huge impact on the adopted kids. Kids who grow up without fathers are also more likely to have psychosocial problems and I think the cause is the same; the feeling of not being loved and wanted by their fathers. So I think with adopted kids the simple knowledge of being adopted is enough to cause emotional, and sometimes behavioral, problems.
What do you guys think, those of you who have adopted kids or are adopted yourself? Am I completely off with my theory?
YES! You really are.
My daughter is an honors student, a cheerleader and gymnast. She is popular. She does not want particularly to visit the country in which she was born.
She is happy that she was adopted.
I think the US should terminate parental rights earlier and move swiftly towards re-homing those children.
I'm sure experiences in early life is the cause of problems for many adopted kids but not all adopted kids have had negative experiences, like being abandoned by a parent, early in life. Some kids are adopted at birth or at only a few months old and have never experienced abuse, neglect or abandonment. My theory is that it's the knowledge of having been abandoned that causes the emotional problems that in turn leads to behavioral problems.
My aunt was adopted at birth and had a wonderful family. Since her adoptive mom was her mom from day one she was able to experience appropriate attachment like any baby raised by their bio parents. She never had to feel the pain of being abandoned by someone she was attached to. But despite this she was pained by the knowledge that her bio mom did not want her. Even though she had never known her bio mom she still felt the abandonment simply because she knew that she was adopted and thereby had been given up. That is, I believe, the culprit as this is something all adopted kids have in common.
You may be on to something. My best friend was adopted at birth by a loving family. They have always doted on her and her adopted brother.
Since she was a teenager she has had anger issues. She's been to several therapists who say that it's due to rejection issues. Even though she has always had loving parents she can't get over the fact that her bio mom placed her for adoption.
Oddly, she has no interest in meeting her bio mom and knows nothing about her. I think it could be a good idea to at least do a search. Maybe she gave her up for a very good reason such as being young and poor with no way to provide for her. This could help her find resolution.
Every adoption is a special needs adoption in so many ways. The teen years are hard enough, but for an adopted teen this is when their family of origin pathology can really rear its ugly head.
I'd like to see those studies. Almost every teen has anger problems. It comes with the hormones. My grown adopted daughter had/has very little tolerance for teens who blame everything little thing wrong in their lives on the fact they were adopted. She had an adopted friend who blamed all her problems on being adopted and my daughter would say to me "Doesn't she realize how blessed she is? How many more problems she would have if she HADN'T been placed for adoption?"
We taught all our adopted children that being adopted was the best thing to ever happen to them, to see it as a loving act from a family who just could not give them the kind of lives they deserved. I never told them they were "given up for adoption". I told them their birth families made the best plans available for them so they would not suffer from poverty or hunger or neglect. I taught them that they were with us only because of the love and selflessness of some very good people.
More than once my grown daughter has thanked me (us) for giving her the kind of life she knew she was so fortunate to have. She never went through drugs or drinking or evil boyfriends or rebellion. We certainly had some mother/daughter angst but that happens in all families, adopted or not.
I'm sure experiences in early life is the cause of problems for many adopted kids but not all adopted kids have had negative experiences, like being abandoned by a parent, early in life. Some kids are adopted at birth or at only a few months old and have never experienced abuse, neglect or abandonment. My theory is that it's the knowledge of having been abandoned that causes the emotional problems that in turn leads to behavioral problems.
My aunt was adopted at birth and had a wonderful family. Since her adoptive mom was her mom from day one she was able to experience appropriate attachment like any baby raised by their bio parents. She never had to feel the pain of being abandoned by someone she was attached to. But despite this she was pained by the knowledge that her bio mom did not want her. Even though she had never known her bio mom she still felt the abandonment simply because she knew that she was adopted and thereby had been given up. That is, I believe, the culprit as this is something all adopted kids have in common.
It's true that someone adopted at birth generally won't really have any attachment issues. But even a few months is enough to make a difference. Those first few months of life are crucial and missing out on even a few weeks or months of having a stable parental figure (whatever the details, the point is having a loving adult to attach to) can have an impact on an infant or young child.
Out of curiosity, was your aunt's family open about the fact she was adopted? I have heard that in families where the adoptive parents are secretive about it, the adopted child often feels traumatized when they find out later that they were adopted. I can understand (if that is the case with your aunt) why because the secrecy adds stigma and shame to something that I personally feel parents should be open, honest, and proud about.
Everyone is different, and no one theory can explain every last case. Theories are only good at explaining trends and correlations. So what your aunt feels is real, what I feel is real, what you feel is real, but we might still have vastly different experiences.
I am actually grateful to my biological mother for giving me up. She was in a very messy situation, only 16, and in no position to mother me. I get the sense that she gave me up cause she wanted a better life for me than she could provide. The way I see it is that what she did was the ultimate act of love. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let go.
I'd like to see those studies. Almost every teen has anger problems. It comes with the hormones. My grown adopted daughter had/has very little tolerance for teens who blame everything little thing wrong in their lives on the fact they were adopted. She had an adopted friend who blamed all her problems on being adopted and my daughter would say to me "Doesn't she realize how blessed she is? How many more problems she would have if she HADN'T been placed for adoption?"
We taught all our adopted children that being adopted was the best thing to ever happen to them, to see it as a loving act from a family who just could not give them the kind of lives they deserved. I never told them they were "given up for adoption". I told them their birth families made the best plans available for them so they would not suffer from poverty or hunger or neglect. I taught them that they were with us only because of the love and selflessness of some very good people.
More than once my grown daughter has thanked me (us) for giving her the kind of life she knew she was so fortunate to have. She never went through drugs or drinking or evil boyfriends or rebellion. We certainly had some mother/daughter angst but that happens in all families, adopted or not.
Telling a teen that she is lucky or fortunate, is pretty much the kiss of death.
There are many, many adopted teens who are doing just fine.
AND there are as MANY OR MORE NON - ADOPTED TEENS WHO ARE DOING POORLY.
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