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Old 07-19-2019, 08:49 AM
 
254 posts, read 340,821 times
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ogical-parents
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Old 07-19-2019, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
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Families - can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

Any sort of family can be dysfunctional, and any sort can be beautifully nurturing. I think it has more to do with personalities than anything else.

My brother was adopted in the 1960s. Our mother was mentally ill. There is no way she would pass "inspection" now for an international adoption, but at the time those screening processes weren't in place. Nor was counseling the norm. So when my brother was adopted at nearly three years of age, from a Korean orphanage, and he remembered his mother dropping him off (she had dropped him off at the orphanage just two weeks prior to my parents starting the adoption process with him), and had trouble "connecting" with our mother, instead of arranging counseling, my mom took this as a personal rejection, and she withdrew from him emotionally.

Well, the rest of that story is that she withdrew from EVERYONE emotionally - because she was mentally ill. That includes her biological children, her husband, EVERYONE. But I'm pretty sure that my adopted brother felt it at least as much as the rest of us and probably moreso.

Fast forward 40 years and my oldest daughter and her husband adopted my grandson from the very same orphanage! This time though, the entire family was screened and screened again and again and again. And I am here to testify, and I'd do so with my hand on a stack of bibles, and I mean it from the very bottom of my heart - that little boy is absolutely beloved by the entire family, and I honestly never even think of him as not being "biologically ours." Nor does my daughter and her family. I mean, we are very open and communicative and believe me, she would have said something if she felt differently toward him than she does toward her three other biological kids, but I really don't think she does, and I know my husband and I don't.

Every once in awhile, I realize with a start when I'm looking at him, "Hey, he's Asian." But that's even rare. He's just a darling, perfect grandchild like all the rest of my grandkids - LOL.

I never felt like my adopted brother was not my bio brother. I mean, I just genuinely didn't feel that way - ever. He was just my brother. Besides that, I was excited to "get" him. He was nearly three and I was nearly six when we were brought together and he was always my running buddy so to speak.
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Old 07-19-2019, 12:36 PM
 
254 posts, read 340,821 times
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https://adopteerage.blogspot.com/201...s-fact-in.html
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Old 08-23-2019, 11:33 PM
 
536 posts, read 392,372 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anjcohen View Post
Maybe just based on my experience and an adoptee but after my personal journey in life after 62 years I have come to the conclusion that an adoptive mother (and I assume father) will never have that emotion of unconditional love for that baby as compared to her own biological child. I suspect this is true for a vast majority but there are exeptions.

With that at hand, I also believe the adopted child will always feel / carry that throughout life. Heck, maybe part of the reason is we (adoptees) weren't breast fed too! (<:
Opinions?
I hope you find / have found peace and love in your life's journey. Parents aren't perfect, that's for sure, and in many families with just biological children there are feelings that one child is favored over another too. That really seems to leave a lot of baggage and things to deal with for the child. My darling niece had a mom who favored her brother, and I see some baggage and pain in her life that I know stems back to this.

I know my husband (who is not an adoptee) went thru counseling as an adult to come to grips with his childhood and that helped him forgive his parents for not being the parents he wanted them to be and wished for, come to grips with some of their limitations, and only after going thru this counseling, etc. did he feel ready to become a parent himself.

We have one adopted son and no biological children. We're all flawed human beings, but I am totally in love with this person, care so much about him, want the best for him, and find him to be such a joy. I can't imagine being closer to anyone else and feel so blessed. He's 23 now, and I am close to your age (59).

My mom (DS's grandmother) has a great relationship with all her grandchildren (all except my son are biological grandchildren), but DS is clearly her favorite. My mom and DS are both are so into photography and computers, converting old movies to digital and putting them on utube, etc., are on the same wave length, and spend hours together putzing around with this stuff.

What makes a parent-child connection/relationship and what's that unconditional love all about? -- Nuture, nature, luck, parent's upbringing, unconditional love examples in a parent's life that they can emulate, common interests, personalities that mesh -- who knows as we all muddle thru live and do our best with the cards we were dealt with and pray for God's guidance and support along our way.

Last edited by Kathy884; 08-23-2019 at 11:43 PM..
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Old 08-26-2019, 10:49 AM
 
Location: East TX
2,116 posts, read 3,047,730 times
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Default Absolutely not!

Quote:
Originally Posted by anjcohen View Post
Maybe just based on my experience and an adoptee but after my personal journey in life after 62 years I have come to the conclusion that an adoptive mother (and I assume father) will never have that emotion of unconditional love for that baby as compared to her own biological child. I suspect this is true for a vast majority but there are exeptions.

With that at hand, I also believe the adopted child will always feel / carry that throughout life. Heck, maybe part of the reason is we (adoptees) weren't breast fed too! (<:
Opinions?
As an adoptee, and a parent with both natural and adopted children, I could not disagree more.

I have four natural born children and two adopted from foster care. I myself was adopted as a toddler. In my own childhood, and in my children's lives, I can tell you the love is unconditional. My parents sacrificed for me and gave of themselves in every way the same that a biological parent would have done. I will never tolerate my family to distinguish between the biological or adopted children. They are all my children and I love them more than life itself.

I would go so far as to say it may even be the opposite of what you suggest. I did not plan when my children would enter this world. I also didn't control when children would be available to adopt. I did have a choice to turn away the foster children that we adopted, and I didn't. In fact, I had a career opportunity (multiple actually) that could have moved us across country but would have required us to abandon the children we had grown to love. It wasn't even an option.

My decision to permanently take on that responsibility and my decision to love those children was a choice - not an obligation. It was intentional, not happenstance. It is unconditional, not with any reservations. I cannot imagine it any other way.
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Old 08-29-2019, 08:45 PM
 
269 posts, read 480,577 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joef279 View Post
Your experience is just that - your experience. It is certainly valid for you, but absurd to project that onto others, especially a “vast majority.”

When you reference a “vast majority” of adoptions, are you referring to:

International adoptions?
Inter-racial adoptions?
Infant adoptions?
Toddler adoptions?
Adolescent adoptions?
Intra-family adoptions?

Or are you lumping all these together?

How do you (and many others) arrive at your conclusions? How many adoptee situations have you truly studied? How do you define and qualify “unconditional love” to determine who has that emotion for whom? Why do you consider your assumption a valid fact? Why do you apply that assumption differently for fathers and mothers? What is your basis of comparison for treatment of adopted children vs biological children in the same household, and how do you rule out other factors (personality, intelligence, sex, etc.)?

All rhetorical.

As someone else posted, your premise is absurd. It is also insulting. You have no factual basis to project your opinion beyond your own personal situation.
Thanks Joef279. You expressed my very thoughts on this thread.
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Old 09-26-2019, 03:42 PM
 
351 posts, read 270,987 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by turkeydance View Post
we agree with the OP, anjcohen.

our experience boils down to this: the adopted child is the parents' choice. the bio child is what the parents get.
that "choice" is (in our opinion) what drives the emotional bonding. for example: we "did the the best we could"
vs. we "brought -child- into this world, and for bad or good, our responsibility never ends".
Or there is another way to it, you can also say "It was our choice and dedication to bring this child into our home to love and care for this child unconditionally. It is our responsibility that never ends, that this child will be happy, loved and well taken care of forever and we make certain of it." But maybe you people are just so ruthless and definitely shouldn't adopt. OP said that her parents had bio kids that passed away and maybe that pain of losing a child was so deep that she couldn't emotionally or mentally function properly. Therefore this is based solely on an individuals personality. I'm not adopted but I do know what love and family means. Family is anyone who cares and loves you.
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Old 09-27-2019, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Raleigh, NC
794 posts, read 1,325,263 times
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I can only speak from my personal experience but as an adoptive mom, I love my son 100%, completely unconditionally. I can't imagine that it would be possible to love anyone more. In fact, I have told friends and family that I often have this odd feeling...I know I did not carry him for 9 months or give birth to him...but I sometimes forget that I didn't. Sorry, its hard to express. Essentially, how he came into our lives is inconsequential. He is 100% our son and adored beyond measure.

Now, looking at my own childhood and current relationship with my parents (biological)...I can tell you that being raised by your biological parents definitely does not guarantee you a happy loving childhood or "magical" bond.
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Old 09-27-2019, 02:19 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
9,512 posts, read 6,095,465 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anjcohen View Post
OP HERE:We were told how we are special and how much they (adopted parents) wanted us. I was told by my parents they went to a room full of babies and picked me out.
Yeah but that has NOTHING to do with unconditional love. In fact, that is very conditional: You were selected based on THEIR desires.

I was pregnant at age 17. I found out when I went to the doctor for a UTI. I wasn't trying for a baby. Didn't want a baby. Had no clue what to do with a baby. But I got a baby!

And I would still die before letting any harm come to my now 33-year-old, grown man child. I believe that with one of my kids when the doctor said 'You're pregnant!' My reply was 'Oh F***!'

But when they handed him to me my words were 'Oh, THERE you are!' As though I had been waiting for him my whole life.

I have hyperfertility & it has overcome every method of BC known to man. Even the husband's vasectomy. I have never know the feeling of 'wanting' a baby. Never tried for them. Planned for them ... nothing. I just don't believe in abortion so that meant I had a LOT of babies. And I love all eleven of them unconditionally.

Didn't actually 'want' any of them, until I knew I was carrying them, TBH.

Then there's the youngest (the post-vasectomy kid) who is severely disabled since a very unfortunate visit to the pediatrician at age 2. He wasn't born this way. I had no chance to plan, had no choice in the matter at all.

I've lost $1 million in wages after these last 13 years to be his caregiver. He had to be transported in a special stroller until the age of 7. Was nonverbal until age 8. Incontinent until age 11. I have a knot on my head behind my left ear from the knuckles on his now-massive fist. A bloody welt on my left forearm from when he attacked me with a metal spatula. A healing scrape on my right thigh from him knocking me down to the floor.

And I swear to you that if anyone touches one hair on his head? I'm going to prison for homicide. Very simple. That's my child, who is predicted to be 6'7 when fully grown (is now 6'3" & 230) & I love him unconditionally.
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Old 09-27-2019, 02:35 PM
 
13,262 posts, read 8,016,112 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fly_widget View Post
I can only speak from my personal experience but as an adoptive mom, I love my son 100%, completely unconditionally. I can't imagine that it would be possible to love anyone more. In fact, I have told friends and family that I often have this odd feeling...I know I did not carry him for 9 months or give birth to him...but I sometimes forget that I didn't. Sorry, its hard to express. Essentially, how he came into our lives is inconsequential. He is 100% our son and adored beyond measure.

Now, looking at my own childhood and current relationship with my parents (biological)...I can tell you that being raised by your biological parents definitely does not guarantee you a happy loving childhood or "magical" bond.
I find this very gratifying.


I gave up a baby boy for adoption, and of course, always hoped and always prayed that his parents would love him unconditionally.
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