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Old 11-02-2020, 07:52 PM
 
Location: Where the heart is...
4,927 posts, read 5,311,518 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anjcohen View Post
Maybe just based on my experience and an adoptee but after my personal journey in life after 62 years I have come to the conclusion that an adoptive mother (and I assume father) will never have that emotion of unconditional love for that baby as compared to her own biological child. I suspect this is true for a vast majority but there are exceptions.

With that at hand, I also believe the adopted child will always feel / carry that throughout life. Heck, maybe part of the reason is we (adoptees) weren't breast fed too! (<:
Opinions?

Well, interestingly enough I am able to pass on my personal experience and maybe it's the same thing and maybe it's not...you decide! Yes, there certainly are exceptions

My mother was abandoned by our sperm donor father when we 3 older children were toddlers. I could write a book about that time, I remember all of it, I am the oldest... and I am also older than you are OP, as well.

Fast forward to after my mother's passing and the formality to name the executor of their estate. My brother had questioned our father about his right to being being appointed as executor of the estate, he was 8 years younger than me and our father's flesh and bone son (plus an additional son).

My father chuckled and said to him...I picked her to be my daughter, you just came. I was not there, my sister was and repeated it to me much later.

I and my siblings loved him so very much, one cannot even imagine. He was very strict but you always knew what to expect, he was consistent throughout our lives!
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Old 11-03-2020, 06:04 AM
 
Location: Kansas
25,940 posts, read 22,094,372 times
Reputation: 26667
Quote:
Originally Posted by anjcohen View Post
Maybe just based on my experience and an adoptee but after my personal journey in life after 62 years I have come to the conclusion that an adoptive mother (and I assume father) will never have that emotion of unconditional love for that baby as compared to her own biological child. I suspect this is true for a vast majority but there are exeptions.

With that at hand, I also believe the adopted child will always feel / carry that throughout life. Heck, maybe part of the reason is we (adoptees) weren't breast fed too! (<:
Opinions?

My husband and myself adopted a 4 week old infant with Down syndrome 34 years ago. I had a son from my 1st marriage who was 9.5 years older than our infant son. I was shocked when I read this post, and maybe we are an exception, but the love we feel for both children is equal. Frankly, I have often forgotten that my younger son wasn't my biological child. Once we were getting haircuts, the whole family, and the hair stylist knew us fairly well, and she asked where did our younger son get that red hair, and I thought a minute and said my grandma had auburn hair. I wasn't trying to deceive her, I was just relating how I thought he got red hair as in my head it made sense. She then said, "He has the same swirl as his dad." Our younger son is still at home with us, and getting ready to move to a residential home with friends. No one I know would ever doubt that I have not loved this child with unconditional love. I don't really like the the term "unconditional" though, as often when I see this term used, the acceptance is often meant to overlook some really over-the-top event, and it has more to do with something generally considered unacceptable. Parents are just people like everyone else.

The other parents that I have known also adopted children with special needs. We love all of our children equally despite how they came to join our families. And, growing up with a brother, I always thought mom liked him best, but that probably wasn't true. Children have different needs, and parents try to fill them the best that they can, well, good parents anyway. I also think most kids have those times when they just don't feel like they fit in the family that they are with.
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Old 11-06-2020, 06:07 PM
 
3,248 posts, read 2,454,490 times
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I'm so tired of reading these anti adoption threads.

Whats the solution then, if the parents are unfit, dead or don't want their children? Just to put the kids out of their misery and euthanize them? Seriously the people on this forum acts as though adoption ruins the children's lives ...no love, feeling displaced, so many problems in adult life etc etc.
So whats the better alternative?
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Old 11-06-2020, 11:14 PM
 
6,850 posts, read 4,847,655 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
I'm so tired of reading these anti adoption threads.

Whats the solution then, if the parents are unfit, dead or don't want their children? Just to put the kids out of their misery and euthanize them? Seriously the people on this forum acts as though adoption ruins the children's lives ...no love, feeling displaced, so many problems in adult life etc etc.
So whats the better alternative?
You didn't mention all the children with biological parents
(Good or bad) that feel they were unloved, or that grow up to be unhappy or dysfunctional.
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Old 11-07-2020, 02:05 AM
 
3,248 posts, read 2,454,490 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist View Post
You didn't mention all the children with biological parents
(Good or bad) that feel they were unloved, or that grow up to be unhappy or dysfunctional.
Right. Its not only adopted kids who have parental angst.

Good friend of mine was adopted as a baby. Loving parents. Happy childhood. Founded bi9 family and they are a plague. Volatile, hands out for money as she is successful, political conspiracy theorists, felons, inbred (not even kidding). This fantasy that the bio parents are simply sad beautiful teens who regret giving up their baby is just that...a fantasy.

My friend will say that her parents love her unconditionally. Many bio kids can't say that about their parents.
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Old 11-07-2020, 09:49 AM
 
6,850 posts, read 4,847,655 times
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Exactly, Emotiioo. Most of the miserable, depressed, screwed up people in the world were not adopted. They come from all walks of life - crazy families or loving and supportive families. People may blame many things on their bio or adoptive parents, but at some point instead of placing blame one needs to take responsibility for their own actions and level of happiness.
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Old 11-08-2020, 06:29 AM
 
3,248 posts, read 2,454,490 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist View Post
Exactly, Emotiioo. Most of the miserable, depressed, screwed up people in the world were not adopted. They come from all walks of life - crazy families or loving and supportive families. People may blame many things on their bio or adoptive parents, but at some point instead of placing blame one needs to take responsibility for their own actions and level of happiness.
Right. Well said.

If your life story is "I was adopted and no one really ever loved me" its time to change the narrative. Stop trying to project your experience onto other adopted people. Not everyone feels the same way.
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Old 11-08-2020, 03:40 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
24,097 posts, read 32,443,737 times
Reputation: 68288
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
I'm so tired of reading these anti adoption threads.

Whats the solution then, if the parents are unfit, dead or don't want their children? Just to put the kids out of their misery and euthanize them? Seriously the people on this forum acts as though adoption ruins the children's lives ...no love, feeling displaced, so many problems in adult life etc etc.
So whats the better alternative?
I know. I have been hearing this anti-adoption junk for years. It never ends.

"The birth parents always come first, and adopted children are always hurt by adoption. Oh, adoptive parents are evil".

That's pretty much their narrative.
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Old 11-23-2020, 07:57 AM
 
1,065 posts, read 597,121 times
Reputation: 1462
This forum would be more useful with MORE posts that are pro-ethical adoption and less about shopping for a unflawed infant - (the shopping posts ad nauseum are from one poster though, gets defensive when you call them out), adoptees' rights, both adoptees' and foster or second parents' stories relative to THEIR experiences, whether positive or not.
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Old 02-28-2021, 12:34 PM
 
860 posts, read 438,363 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot View Post
I have thought about this a little bit because I have an adopted niece and nephew. I am positive that my sister loves her adopted kids "unconditionally" (she has no bio kids). She and her husband have gone above and beyond to do everything they can for their kids, even though they have had some rough times. Both of them were relinquished at birth and my sister even used a supplemental nursing system to breastfeed them.

The kids themselves, now teens, have had some issues related to being adopted. My niece was very persistent about wanting to have contact with her bio mom, and since it was an open adoption, my sister finally allowed her to do that. Niece now keeps a photo of the bio mom in her room and talks about her frequently, which seems to help her.

My nephew has no contact with his bio parents and also lacks emotional attachment to his adopted parents. He is a different race from them and his race is a very small minority in their community, which makes it all worse. Some kids wouldn't necessarily be bothered by this, but he is bothered. Sister and her husband are planning to ask him to move out as soon as he is old enough because, they say, he apparently does not want to have a relationship with them. This saddens them, of course, but I do get more of the "we did everything we could vibe" than the "we are totally devastated" vibe.

My other sister and I, who both have bio kids, have talked about the dynamics going on there. We remember that ever since the babies were first adopted, sister and her husband would frequently leave them with friends for days or even a couple of weeks at a time while they went on vacation. We agreed that we could not have imagined leaving our own babies for so long at under a year old, no matter how good the friends were. I don't know what if anything this says about the bond between mothers and their bio babies vs. mothers and their adopted babies, but it does make us wonder.

Also, as a non-adoptive parent, I don't personally know how adoptive parents feel about their children and I am sure they do not all feel the same. I do know that if I think about it, I feel differently about my kids and my bio nieces and nephews than I do about the adopted ones, at some very primitive level. Not that I don't love the adopted ones, I do. I just don't actually feel that they are "part of the family" in quite the same way. They are not from my sister like my bio kids are from me and my bio nephews are from my other sister; they are not carrying on our genetic material. I'm sure this says nothing good about me and I'm kind of ashamed to admit it. I would never say this to any family member and I hope they all see me as a loving aunt to all of them.
Not a bad person. A brave one for being honest. I am an adopted person as well as having biological children. I have never felt the connection you hear about between parents and children with my adopted parents. Do I think they tried? Yes. But I have never felt heard or understood. I believe part of it is personality (my adoptive mother is insecure, a perfectionist and has narcissistic tendencies). I used to just do my best to please her and assumed she just couldn’t “get” me because she was so genetically different than me personality-wise.

The connection between my children and I is definitely different. I just get them in a way that did not exist between my adopted mother and me. I suspect when there is a very strong connection between mother and adopted child it’s because they just happen to have similar personalities or a very self reflective adoptive mother who recognizes and embraces their child’s differences rather than trying to change them into something more like themselves, something they are not.
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