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Old 01-04-2021, 08:00 PM
bu2
 
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With all the negative comments about your parents, it sounds like your issue is your relationship with your parents. You didn't feel right about it as a kid. You say you are their biological child.

As the proud parent of two adopted children, you don't need genetics to have a family. And genetics don't mean you do have a functional family. There are lots of examples out there.

Pursue the birth grandparents issue if you wish. But you aren't likely to find yourself in genealogy. It sounds like all the other things you are doing is the way to find yourself.
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Old 01-05-2021, 04:51 AM
 
Location: Candy Kingdom
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bu2 View Post
With all the negative comments about your parents, it sounds like your issue is your relationship with your parents. You didn't feel right about it as a kid. You say you are their biological child.

As the proud parent of two adopted children, you don't need genetics to have a family. And genetics don't mean you do have a functional family. There are lots of examples out there.

Pursue the birth grandparents issue if you wish. But you aren't likely to find yourself in genealogy. It sounds like all the other things you are doing is the way to find yourself.
I think that's it! I'm Celiac and Kosher, I can't eat Italian food the way dad is used to it because it's not gluten-free, dairy free (I'm also lactose intolerant), and it's not Kosher. Two of the things I can't help, and while the last thing is a choice, it's a choice I made because I love it. I was halal before Kosher, so I've been doing it for five years. It was never an issue until dad retired and now he's saying, "that's not the Italian way!" "I don't remember eating it this way!" Maybe it's retirement getting to him...

... it's frustrating because he used to be so open-minded and now he's not. He would eat what I made and now he turns a nose up at it. Sir, do what you want, but don't judge me on how I eat. We're not Italian, but if you like to eat that way, good for you. I don't and I can't, so please don't judge me for it. Sometimes my parents mock me for my health conditions and choices. Sometimes they say I'm missing out on a good life. I can't help that I have Celiac Disease and lactose intolerance! I also made choices because they are choices that make me and my heart happy.

Nan was awesome. Nan was dad's adopted mother and she accepted me for who I was, even if she didn't entirely agree. She thought it was my life to live. Dad used to think that way too until retirement and the threats of his narcissistic wife threatening to move or leave.

I've started yelling at dad, "don't you dare touch anything! You drop and break things, you clumsy old man! Retirement is making you senile! Get a job and stop touching things! Sit down and get a job!"

I've heard that finding the birth family is often disappointing. Dad's was a closed adoption, so who knows what I'll find and who knows if his birth parents are still alive. Nan died 8 years ago. Mom's mother was adopted and I doubt her birth parents are still alive. You're right about geneology not solving things. Maybe it would be a puzzle piece if these folks were still alive, that I can hear their stories, but DNA doesn't tell the stories that matter.

I wish Nan would have told me. I wish she would have told the story of how she adopted dad and why she chose to do so. I'm infertile and can't have kids. I'm not in a place to adopt and I don't know if I truly want to adopt. I was told at 13 that I most likely wouldn't be able to have kids, so I prepared myself for it.
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Old 01-05-2021, 05:12 AM
 
Location: Candy Kingdom
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Here's an article I found: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...01006/who-am-i

Quote:
The irony is that the more you seek to identify who you are, the more fragile you are likely to feel about yourself. There may be an inverse correlation between the question being asked and the ease with which you experience your life. The emphasis shouldn't be on discovering who you are (what is buried beneath) but on facilitating the emergence of what you'd like to experience.
I wonder if other adoptees feel this. I wonder if dad felt this at some point, and now that's he's retired and being torn, he has no idea who he is either.
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Old 01-05-2021, 11:58 AM
 
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Do you live with your dad? In HIS home?


It strikes me as odd, that you'd be yelling at your dad; "don't you dare touch anything! You drop and break things, you clumsy old man! Retirement is making you senile! Get a job and stop touching things! Sit down and get a job!""


If you are living in his home, I think he's amazingly tolerant (more tolerant than most, I think) of your religion choices, and diet choices. And jeez...in his own home, he's not allowed to like Italian, which is the way he was raised?


I'll be honest...this subject and topic has peeved me on a couple of fronts. 1st, your dad is just a couple of years older than me, and I'd be CRUSHED if one of my grown kids talked to me the way you talked to your dad.


2nd, I gave up a child for adoption. It was the best thing to do, for him. And from what I can gather, you disapprove of adoption because you don't know your genetic roots. Buuuutttt...except you do, because you had a DNA test done.


I see a young woman who seems to have had and continues to have a pretty good family life, with family who supports your desires, and wants you to be happy...and yet you seem to be resentful, and I'm not quite getting why?
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Old 01-05-2021, 01:08 PM
 
Location: Candy Kingdom
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
Do you live with your dad? In HIS home?


It strikes me as odd, that you'd be yelling at your dad; "don't you dare touch anything! You drop and break things, you clumsy old man! Retirement is making you senile! Get a job and stop touching things! Sit down and get a job!""


If you are living in his home, I think he's amazingly tolerant (more tolerant than most, I think) of your religion choices, and diet choices. And jeez...in his own home, he's not allowed to like Italian, which is the way he was raised?


I'll be honest...this subject and topic has peeved me on a couple of fronts. 1st, your dad is just a couple of years older than me, and I'd be CRUSHED if one of my grown kids talked to me the way you talked to your dad.


2nd, I gave up a child for adoption. It was the best thing to do, for him. And from what I can gather, you disapprove of adoption because you don't know your genetic roots. Buuuutttt...except you do, because you had a DNA test done.


I see a young woman who seems to have had and continues to have a pretty good family life, with family who supports your desires, and wants you to be happy...and yet you seem to be resentful, and I'm not quite getting why?
I am resentful. I'm not making him eat my food, he wanted to see what I was making and when I showed him the Kosher and gluten-free recipes, he just said, "oh, that's not Italian. I never ate like that." Good for you. I have to, you don't have to and don't knit-pick. I am Celiac and he knit-picks my food all the time. "Geeze, why would you eat that? That looks bland." It's frustrating. Kosher aside, I have medical issues and I can't eat the same things he eats.

I don't know what the big deal is. He isn't Italian, he was raised by an Italian family, and the DNA I probably inherited from him, after some research I did, I inherited my health conditions from him. He was just lucky to not be afflicted since he's a man. My biological side, from mom's dad, is Irish and I know I got some of the conditions from that too. The combination of all the genes, I have to watch my diet. I have to watch my liver too. I can't eat most of the things they eat.

I don't know why he has to knit-pick. I'm thinking it's because he's bored. When he worked, he never knit-picked like this. He just let it go and focused on work. Now that he has no work, he either knit-picks with me, starts fights with mom, and starts fights with his other retired friends. I think he needs a job, even if it's part-time.

I'm resentful because I will never be what I want to be because of my family. I will never fit in where I want to fit in because of my family. Many people look down on adoption... someone told me that my dad's birth mother should have had him aborted instead of being adopted by a Catholic family. Most Jews would do that. He was false... most do not do that. Adoption is looked at as a kind gesture, more so than abortion. However, I know more like him. I know a few Catholics that have the same thought process as that Jewish young man.

I have a friend who had her thyroid removed and can't have kids. Her hubby REFUSES to adopt because it's not the Catholic thing to do in his mind. He also wouldn't want to raise someone else's child. I have thyroid disease too and I stopped getting periods. I am most likely infertile. I know if I had a hubby like that, I would be crushed. I felt crushed when she told me that and I felt crushed when that young man told me that dad's birth mom should have had him aborted.
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Old 01-05-2021, 01:29 PM
 
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Soooo, it would've been better if your dad (and by extension, you) had never been born? It's better to be aborted than Catholic? Are you actually ashamed of your dad and family? These people who've supported you and encouraged you in life? I mean...you acknowledge that on one hand, and then denigrate them on the other.
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Old 01-05-2021, 01:38 PM
 
Location: Candy Kingdom
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
Soooo, it would've been better if your dad (and by extension, you) had never been born? It's better to be aborted than Catholic? Are you actually ashamed of your dad and family? These people who've supported you and encouraged you in life? I mean...you acknowledge that on one hand, and then denigrate them on the other.
Yeah, I am. I hated the way I was raised and while they acknowledged it when I was a young child and said I'm free to explore my own path, I wish I never made the sacraments. I didn't believe in it at all, but I had to go along with it at 7 and 9. When I made my voice clear at 11, it was fine. I just wish I would have been given the choice to choose when I'm older. Then again, I guess they wanted to provide a base and the moral base is the same among all religions.

I actually was very suicidal when I was a teen and I didn't want to be alive. I'm struggling now and wish I had a different life. I know dad loves his life and is grateful. My guess is Nan didn't mention anything because she probably figured there would be a lot of shame around it. My one friend was adopted and that's why I brought it up one time. I was 8 and it was swept under the rug, "nooo, we love you very much."

Mom had trouble conceiving and I was the only child to make it to full-term birth. Mom couldn't have any others and she had 6 miscarriages before me. She doesn't have many pregnancy pictures and I just assumed when I was a child...

...but in the late 80s, those pictures probably weren't a thing like they are now. I think my parents just held their breaths and hoped for the best.
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Old 01-05-2021, 01:42 PM
 
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You have had a lot of loving people in your life, and yet you're so resentful.
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Old 01-05-2021, 01:51 PM
 
Location: Candy Kingdom
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
You have had a lot of loving people in your life, and yet you're so resentful.
I am. I don't like the Catholic Church and wish I never made those sacraments. Half are Atheists and yet they still have photos on display.

Although, I had Muslim friends who were educated at Catholic schools and I know some Jewish people who were too. The education was good.

I just feel fake. I don't believe and to me, those sacraments mean something and when I go through the process of new path, some may not accept me anyway. I just want to be accepted by others. I want to be welcomed and I'm afraid if people knew about me fully, I wouldn't be.

Last edited by jessxwrites89; 01-05-2021 at 02:07 PM..
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Old 01-05-2021, 02:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jessxwrites89 View Post
I am. I don't like the Catholic Church and wish I never made those sacraments. Half are Atheists and yet they still have photos on display.

But you sincerely think it's better to not exist, than be Catholic? Better for your father to not have been born, than to be Catholic? Better for YOU to not have been born, than to be born Catholic?


So OK, you wish you'd never taken the sacraments. We all have regrets, and you walked away from the Catholic faith, and NO ONE you know lays a guilt trip on you about it...but these loving people in your life should've never been born?


LAWWWD...I don't get it.
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