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Old 02-09-2024, 08:45 AM
 
194 posts, read 152,032 times
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Hi all,

In an nutshell, my husband gave up rights to his son and his ex wife husband adopted him for many reasons.(After many talks with my husband) My husbands family, (mom and dad etc) were still able to see Joe(the son), but husband was not. Fast forward to when son turned 18....my husband still did not want any contact with his son and now we have a daughter. I almost divorced him over the fact that he did not want to tell our daughter she had a brother, mind you, his parents still saw Joe all the time, but took pictures down when we would go visit..... . Finally, he told our daughter about Joe at age 9 and they became friends over texts etc as we lived in another state at the time. Now, my husband still has nothing to do with Joe, who is now married with a child, yet they and my daughter and I have a relationship with them, husband refuses to get to know him. (We are now living about 5 hours away from Joe and his family.) I am very upset because now our daughter is starting to really question who her dad is and how he can not talk to his own son, who did nothing to him at all to deserve this treatment. Now, husband mom turning 90 and his sister said the mom mentioned Joe and family also joining in the celebration and when my husband sister asked husband if he and my daughter and I would want to go, he said :not going to happen". I cannot believe I am married to such a heartless person, his mom is loving and sweet and Joe is an amazing person and has a great career. I asked husband why he did not want to go and he says" I have never been in this childs life so what the point of going? " They were together for his fathers funeral, but said two words to each other and that was about it....please help me out, I am in tears. I feel like he is just a heartless ass at this point, and we have had an incredible 25 year marriage!

PS Joe has a 2 year old daughter that we have not even seen yet, he has a granddaughter and still refuses to deal with this.
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Old 02-09-2024, 09:45 AM
 
Location: Southeast
1,852 posts, read 867,463 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by remirosie123 View Post
my husband gave up rights to his son...my husband still has nothing to do with Joe

Since you don't go into any backstory on why he did that, I can only say that I gave a son up for adoption, and when I did, I turned my heart and mind off to keep it from hurting me. If your husband was forced to do this, no wonder he doesn't want to reopen that old wound. It's as simple as that to me.
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Old 02-09-2024, 10:25 AM
 
194 posts, read 152,032 times
Reputation: 187
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Originally Posted by clevergirl67 View Post
Since you don't go into any backstory on why he did that, I can only say that I gave a son up for adoption, and when I did, I turned my heart and mind off to keep it from hurting me. If your husband was forced to do this, no wonder he doesn't want to reopen that old wound. It's as simple as that to me.
He married his GF after she got pregnant, was with her 2 years, then when they got divorced( joint custody), his ex would not come drop the child off, say she was bringing Joe over and wouldn't, it was a mess. Then she got re married and her new husband wanted Joe to share their last name and he would provide for everything for Joe so (fairly reluctantly according to my husband) he understood and gave up his rights. It would not have been so weird, but the agreement was that my husbands entire family could see see Joe anytime and/or holidays etc, so that is why it is so odd, just the circumstance. Also, the adoptive father died when Joe was 14, which was sad bc now there is no father figure, Joe is now 32 and has a family, I guess it is hard for me to understand why he does not want contact with his son and like I said, it is really heartbreaking for my daughter and I as Joe is so amazing and is willing to meet his father....
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Old 02-09-2024, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Southeast
1,852 posts, read 867,463 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by remirosie123 View Post
He married his GF after she got pregnant, was with her 2 years, then when they got divorced( joint custody), his ex would not come drop the child off, say she was bringing Joe over and wouldn't, it was a mess. Then she got re married and her new husband wanted Joe to share their last name and he would provide for everything for Joe so (fairly reluctantly according to my husband) he understood and gave up his rights...it is really heartbreaking for my daughter and I as Joe is so amazing and is willing to meet his father
Blame it on the sh!thead of an ex. It's not your husband's fault, he did what he could to make sure the son was well taken care of and had to give up his own child over their selfishness. I wouldn't want to be in that situation either, especially with possibly having to cross paths with that awful woman.

I think you need to stop beating up your husband, who was a good man and did what he thought was best for the child. Now he deserves your love and acceptance, and frankly, if I were in your husband's position, and you kept pushing it with me, I might actually consider leaving you over it, because now it sort of sounds like you've poisoned your child's mind against him, too, and if so, you need to fix that and apologize.

Until you've given up your own flesh and blood you have no idea what your husband is going through. Joe had a lovely childhood and a good man in his life. Sure it's terrible that his dad died, but life happens sometimes. The rest of y'all getting in the way and making your husband look like the bad guy are not doing anything to help anyone. If anything, you're making it worse. Joe should be glad he has some of you in his life. I think you should leave it at that.

Sorry if any of that sounded harsh, but as a birthmother I can't imagine being forced to have a connection with a child that nearly killed me to give up. Who knows what will happen if I break down and let him into my life, he may hate me after meeting me, and then I'm hurt all over again.
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Old 02-09-2024, 10:47 AM
 
194 posts, read 152,032 times
Reputation: 187
Quote:
Originally Posted by clevergirl67 View Post
Blame it on the sh!thead of an ex. It's not your husband's fault, he did what he could to make sure the son was well taken care of and had to give up his own child over their selfishness. I wouldn't want to be in that situation either, especially with possibly having to cross paths with that awful woman.

I think you need to stop beating up your husband, who was a good man and did what he thought was best for the child. Now he deserves your love and acceptance, and frankly, if I were in your husband's position, and you kept pushing it with me, I might actually consider leaving you over it, because now it sort of sounds like you've poisoned your child's mind against him, too, and if so, you need to fix that and apologize.

Until you've given up your own flesh and blood you have no idea what your husband is going through. Joe had a lovely childhood and a good man in his life. Sure it's terrible that his dad died, but life happens sometimes. The rest of y'all getting in the way and making your husband look like the bad guy are not doing anything to help anyone. If anything, you're making it worse. Joe should be glad he has some of you in his life. I think you should leave it at that.

Sorry if any of that sounded harsh, but as a birthmother I can't imagine being forced to have a connection with a child that nearly killed me to give up. Who knows what will happen if I break down and let him into my life, he may hate me after meeting me, and then I'm hurt all over again.
I am so glad I found you! I have told him I support him and love him, and feel I have talked enough about it, but not too much to **** him off(yet). My daughter was thinking about how she could be so loved by her father when he does not want to see his own son. She's 21 and really never thought about it much until she met her niece(about a months ago, she is 2), then she was like "how does dad not even want to meet his own grandkid" I honestly spoke some with her about things, but not a whole lot. You are right, I am glad he is in our lives and vice versa, but thank you for responding, I was honestly at wits end. I just know him not wanting his son's family at his mom (Joe's Nany,90th is going to break her into a million pieces, but he will have to live with that. Thank you again, I see things a bit differently now
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Old 02-09-2024, 12:21 PM
 
5,655 posts, read 3,139,106 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by remirosie123 View Post
I am so glad I found you! I have told him I support him and love him, and feel I have talked enough about it, but not too much to **** him off(yet). My daughter was thinking about how she could be so loved by her father when he does not want to see his own son. She's 21 and really never thought about it much until she met her niece(about a months ago, she is 2), then she was like "how does dad not even want to meet his own grandkid" I honestly spoke some with her about things, but not a whole lot. You are right, I am glad he is in our lives and vice versa, but thank you for responding, I was honestly at wits end. I just know him not wanting his son's family at his mom (Joe's Nany,90th is going to break her into a million pieces, but he will have to live with that. Thank you again, I see things a bit differently now
I'm also a birth mother who gave a son up for adoption. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and I can tell you...the guilt I had over giving him up...it's primal. Even though, logically, it was the best thing for him...it cut to the heart. And I felt like a lousy human for not taking care of my own flesh and blood.

I think I can understand where your husband is coming from. Although, I, myself, would love the opportunity to meet and know the son I gave up, but i'll probably never happen.
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Old 02-12-2024, 08:08 AM
 
194 posts, read 152,032 times
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Originally Posted by SnazzyB View Post
I'm also a birth mother who gave a son up for adoption. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and I can tell you...the guilt I had over giving him up...it's primal. Even though, logically, it was the best thing for him...it cut to the heart. And I felt like a lousy human for not taking care of my own flesh and blood.

I think I can understand where your husband is coming from. Although, I, myself, would love the opportunity to meet and know the son I gave up, but i'll probably never happen.
Thank you for your response. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that this pretty much used to affect just him and his son(not that that was ok either, but that was the adoption arrangement, for him not to see his son, but the rest of the family could still have contact), now it is affecting more than two people, it is affecting my daughter now questioning the morals of her father and how he could be so loving to her, yet, not to his son and how it kinda sad that he loves her so much and does not want to be part of his son's life. Also, now there is a daughter in law and granddaughter to consider as well. And his mothers 90th birthday, she is still very much with it(a very young 90)! and would just like to have everyone together for just a couple hours for dinner. It is not like was are asking them to be best friends or anything, and they have seen each other at his father's memorial service ..... Now my daughter is worried about her wedding and should she invite her brother and wife, it is just snowballing...I know I have no idea how it feels to give a child up, but was hoping to try to get some advice!
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Old 02-12-2024, 08:53 AM
 
5,655 posts, read 3,139,106 times
Reputation: 14361
Quote:
Originally Posted by remirosie123 View Post
Thank you for your response. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that this pretty much used to affect just him and his son(not that that was ok either, but that was the adoption arrangement, for him not to see his son, but the rest of the family could still have contact), now it is affecting more than two people, it is affecting my daughter now questioning the morals of her father and how he could be so loving to her, yet, not to his son and how it kinda sad that he loves her so much and does not want to be part of his son's life. Also, now there is a daughter in law and granddaughter to consider as well. And his mothers 90th birthday, she is still very much with it(a very young 90)! and would just like to have everyone together for just a couple hours for dinner. It is not like was are asking them to be best friends or anything, and they have seen each other at his father's memorial service ..... Now my daughter is worried about her wedding and should she invite her brother and wife, it is just snowballing...I know I have no idea how it feels to give a child up, but was hoping to try to get some advice!
I know your husband is dead set on not getting involved in his son's life, but has he expressed that he doesn't want anyone else to be involved?

I know the rest of you DO have a relationship with the son...but does your husband express a dislike of the fact that you all are involved in the son's life?
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Old 02-12-2024, 09:30 AM
 
194 posts, read 152,032 times
Reputation: 187
Quote:
Originally Posted by SnazzyB View Post
I know your husband is dead set on not getting involved in his son's life, but has he expressed that he doesn't want anyone else to be involved?

I know the rest of you DO have a relationship with the son...but does your husband express a dislike of the fact that you all are involved in the son's life?
Hey SnazzyB. No, he is fine with anyone else having a relationship with him, but the thing that is now happening is , family are passing away(people Joe has had relationships with etc) and babies are coming into the family(He and his wife have a 2 year old)and weddings are now coming into play, Joe has been involved with all of his family except for John (my husband) so anytime someone passes etc, he will be there. Same with our daughter's wedding, he and his wife will be there so there is no avoidance of seeing him. Like i said, I do not think its fair to not include him in the family 90th birthday celebration (because he is her grandson after all), as he was not invited to his own grandparents 50th, which bothered me a lot, but I dealt with it.

No, he does not dislike it, but when there is something special like his mom's 90th it causes a lot of mixed feelings with everyone, his mom is afraid to ask John of its ok if she invited Joe to the get together, but also said she's turning 90 and wants to have everyone together before she dies. It is really the strangest situation I have ever seen !
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Old 02-12-2024, 09:41 AM
 
5,655 posts, read 3,139,106 times
Reputation: 14361
OK...

It seems like, to me, that since your husband has NOT expressed displeasure at all of you having a relationship with Joe...than all of you carry on, inviting Joe and his family to ALL the get togethers you all want to invite them to.

Seems like your husband had to build some walls around his heart to deal with giving up his son way back in the day...it's what he did to cope, I guess.

Sure...it's hard for the rest of y'all to understand where his head is at...but at least he doesn't forbid (or try to forbid) the rest of you from forming relationships with Joe.
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