[Rainbow Island]

Bear Alert
Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen
to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We
advise that outdoors men wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not
to startle bears that aren't expecting them.

We also advise outdoors men to carry pepper spray with them in case of an
encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of
bear activity. Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black
bear dung and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots
of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it, and
smells like pepper.

[sandgirl]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

[Bull Winkus]

To ID the Problem...


A 10 year old daughter and her mother were shopping...

The girl asks her mother, "Mom, how old are you?"

The mother answers, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn later on in life."

They shop a little longer before the girl then asks, "Mommy? How much do you weigh?"

The mother answers again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll find out when you are grown up."

Within a few minutes the girl, still wanting to know about her mother, asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, growing weary of the personal questions, retorts, "Honey, that is a subject that I don't want to talk about now."

The next day, the frustrated daughter tells her girlfriend about how her mother didn't answer her questions.

The girlfriend offers up some advise: "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card. It tells you everything."

That night, the little girl says to her mother: "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old."

The mother, quite shocked, asks, "Sweetheart how did you do that?"

The daughter shrugs and says, "Us girls don't talk about that. You'll learn later in life. I know how much you weigh, too. You weigh 120 pounds."

The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says: "That's another thing us girls don't talk about. You'll find out later. I just know, that's all. I know why you and daddy got divorced, too."

A cold shiver ran down the mother's back as she stared back in disbelief. "Why?" She hesitantly asked.

"You got an 'F' in sex."

[Bull Winkus]

Top 10 reasons why trick or treating is better than sex:


Number 10. You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

Number 9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and do it again.

Number 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

Number 7. The same line works every time: "Trick or Treat!"

Number 6. Its O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

Number 5. Twenty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

Number 4. If you don’t like what you get you can always go next door.

Number 3. If you don't feel up to it, you can let the kids do it for you.

Number 2. Less guilt the morning after.

AND NUMBER 1. EVERYBODY'S DOIN' IT! YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

[ArkansasTraveler]

why did the elephant cross the road -
the chicken had the day off -

why did the chicken cross the playground -
to get to the other slide -

[sandgirl]

Sidney's Last Wishes
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie', he told me.'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use t his money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.
At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring.
"So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?"

[sandgirl]

Lost In The Park
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
"Oy Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't.....I was just too tired to walk home."

[sandgirl]

Whose The Best
The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[sandgirl]

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

[sandgirl]

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!