[SLCPUNK]

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A Pokemon.

[Suncoast Guy]

A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom - his hands were dirty.

She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"

Smiling the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."

[Suncoast Guy]

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"

Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake - but not two in a row!"

[sandgirl]

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament.

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.

To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

[Suncoast Guy]

One day an Antartian decided to face her fears and go riding on a horse.

It was easy for her to get on and she was doing just fine until the horse started to go faster.

She started slipping off the saddle. She couldn't hold on to the horse and her head started hitting the ground.

She was almost knocked unconscious when the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the machine.

[Rainbow Island]

The Ant and the Grasshopper

ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.


MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering
grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know
why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while
others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home
with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp
contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's
house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We
shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray
to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the
ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls
for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair
share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper
Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is
fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a
panel of Federal judges that Bill had appointed from a list of
single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last
bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which
just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because
he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and
the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who
terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

[Rainbow Island]

[Cali BassMan]

Well way back in 1850:
California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real **** and the men didn't hold hands.

[hotair2]

Arkansas Residency Application


Last Name: ________________ (last)
First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______
Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

[Suncoast Guy]

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're

suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em

fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser

for all them ugly women I've slept with?"