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It's an overwhelming place compared to what I'm accustomed to and driving there in particular is a white-knuckle experience at my age. We visited family there recently and the chaos and sheer congestion resulted in more life force expended for 1 hour of driving than I normally put out in a month. At least that night I slept like the dead!
They are fairly well-off and had long-term care insurance so now they have daily help. At first she didn't like the intrusiveness of it but she got used to it quickly enough. I think it took 6 months for all that to kick in, which is common with those policies.
He is blind, incontinent, and needs 24/7 oxygen because during his last hospitalization he caught Covid and it permanently scarred his lungs. That is too much for one person to handle.
I have been a sole caregiver for the first 6 or 7 years of this century so I know whereof you speak ...
That is tough, mordant. I did it for just under two years and am in some ways still recovering from it. I have no regrets, but it was still just over two years ago that he was seemingly strong and healthy and in such a short time turned into a bedridden patient who needed us to do everything for him. Sometimes my mind still feels the shock of it. I am not a nurse by nature. He wasn't a dependent person by nature. But there we were.
Sometimes my mind still feels the shock of it. I am not a nurse by nature. He wasn't a dependent person by nature. But there we were.
I hear you.
My late / previous wife was disabled but (we thought) in stable health when we met. But it was not to be.
I could say the same about myself not being a nurse by nature and my wife not being dependent by nature. Sometimes she resented being dependent on me and imagined that I enjoyed it when I didn't. Also since there was no one else able and willing to help, I was the only throat to choke on a bad day. All these years later I am still sorting out all those conflicting and complicated feelings and trying to figure out what they net out to. Much of my life has left me baffled like that. What just happened? What (if anything) does it mean? Which probably explains why I have gotten pretty good at just carrying on without things nicely tied up with a bow, as religion seems to do for many.
Yes, it was a completely appropriate conversation. Oh and btw, if I knew the area at all I would not hesitate to move to upstate NY. I've been to NYC and honestly it was scary to me lol but I've never lived in a large city like that. It was a good experience but just spending one day in NYC isn't enough to get a vibe. I want to travel and see and do things I've never seen or done but I'm afraid I just don't have the stamina any longer.
Thanks for the info hopefully I don't have to go too far to get relief from this madness.
I worked in NYC most of my life (do again now, actually, part-time since I returned to the States/NJ in April) and I guess scary is subjective. I mean, I did have some REALLY scary days when people bombed and flew planes into my workplace, but generally speaking, I find it energizing. However, I have never lived there, and except for the terminal illness of the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, I was ready to ditch it all for the woods in the middle of nowhere.
But oddly enough, in speaking with my daughter on the "where the heck do I go next?" question, (my plan was always to leave Jersey after my mom was gone) SHE suggested that I'd like the Ithaca area. I discovered after my stint in Canada how much I do like winter, my NYS pension is not taxed there, there are lakes and woods nearby, and there's an artsy vibe that I definitely enjoy. So at some point I may look into that. Hey, we may end up with an "upstate" City-Data R&S refugee colony of sorts!
It's an overwhelming place compared to what I'm accustomed to and driving there in particular is a white-knuckle experience at my age. We visited family there recently and the chaos and sheer congestion resulted in more life force expended for 1 hour of driving than I normally put out in a month. At least that night I slept like the dead!
Haha, I always took public trans to work, but in a post-retirement job, I had to drive from coastal NJ across Staten Island, over the Verrazano into Brooklyn and then through the streets. Once you can do that, you can drive anywhere in this country. I had my daughter drive into Manhattan on her learner's permit to look at a university. She did OK! (Realized only later it was illegal--she wasn't supposed to drive out of state.)
Anyway, NorthSouth, although a congested city may not be for you, maybe at least allow yourself to entertain the possibility of finding a place where you can be more comfortable just being who you are. It takes a lot of energy to hide within yourself. Life is short. Consider taking a leap.
My late / previous wife was disabled but (we thought) in stable health when we met. But it was not to be.
I could say the same about myself not being a nurse by nature and my wife not being dependent by nature. Sometimes she resented being dependent on me and imagined that I enjoyed it when I didn't. Also since there was no one else able and willing to help, I was the only throat to choke on a bad day. All these years later I am still sorting out all those conflicting and complicated feelings and trying to figure out what they net out to. Much of my life has left me baffled like that. What just happened? What (if anything) does it mean? Which probably explains why I have gotten pretty good at just carrying on without things nicely tied up with a bow, as religion seems to do for many.
Yes, the one receiving care turns on the caregiver at times. Health care professionals told me how common that is. We worked through it. Lol, he did not go gentle into that dark night, although the actual end was peaceful and quiet.
I have come to accept that sometimes there is no meaning and that there are loose ends that will never be tied up neatly and sometimes, we just have to let go. I am getting better at it in my older age.
Yes, it was a completely appropriate conversation. Oh and btw, if I knew the area at all I would not hesitate to move to upstate NY. I've been to NYC and honestly it was scary to me lol but I've never lived in a large city like that. It was a good experience but just spending one day in NYC isn't enough to get a vibe. I want to travel and see and do things I've never seen or done but I'm afraid I just don't have the stamina any longer.
Thanks for the info hopefully I don't have to go too far to get relief from this madness.
Sorry I haven't read the entire thread but from the sound of it people are encouraging you to move.
Practically my top philosophy in life is if you find yourself in a situation in which you are miserable, change it.
I didn't want to push that too hard earlier because I know it's just not possible for some people.
But I'm a very strong believer that we only have one life and we we should not waste it. And part of that is to remove yourself from situations that make you unhappy. Life is too short.
If not a short term goal, make a long term one. At least it gives you something to strive for, make plans, have goals. Be the best version of yourself. X
Haha, I always took public trans to work, but in a post-retirement job, I had to drive from coastal NJ across Staten Island, over the Verrazano into Brooklyn and then through the streets. Once you can do that, you can drive anywhere in this country. I had my daughter drive into Manhattan on her learner's permit to look at a university. She did OK! (Realized only later it was illegal--she wasn't supposed to drive out of state.)
In a number of places they have swapped the parking and bike lanes, which I was unaware of, so on your right its parking, bike lane, sidewalk. Turning onto one of these streets I sat in what I thought was traffic for a minute or so, until I realized I had just effectively parked. I was a the tail end of the parking lane, behind an SUV, thinking there was some traffic snarl up ahead.
This was after we had experienced a joyless diversion from an accident on the Brooklyn Bridge, zig-zagging all over Chinatown to get on the Manhattan Bridge (thanks, Google Maps -- I guess) as my bladder relentlessly cried out for relief.
I'm sure you get used to it and yeah probably just sell the car and use mass transit if you live there, but I wouldn't refer to that as "energyzing" at this point in my life, lol.
On the topic of the original post, given the fact that your unstable former friend is homeless and likely dealing with mental health issues, I'd think she deserves some pity. Obviously what she did caused you trauma, but upon stepping back and reflecting on what likely contributed to the strength of her outburst, hopefully your primary emotion in regards to her can ultimately be sympathy, because that person obviously needs help that a nonexistent god will never provide. One of my best friends (an atheist, fwiw) was admitted to a psych ward 16 days ago after going on a mini reign of terror where he stole as much as he could carry from a local mini-mart, then played a game of chicken with a passing car outside the store, then reached for a cop's taser upon the cops' arrival on the scene...for all the lip service that society may now pay to mental health issues, people still seem to massively lack patience for the mentally ill in moments of acute crisis, and I'm not really sure how to go about addressing that. Halfhearted awareness campaigns can only accomplish so much....
And on that note, I'm going out to a music festival!
Mentally ill people do not necessarily merit sympathy. Some of them are cruel or just plain evil.
In a number of places they have swapped the parking and bike lanes, which I was unaware of, so on your right its parking, bike lane, sidewalk. Turning onto one of these streets I sat in what I thought was traffic for a minute or so, until I realized I had just effectively parked. I was a the tail end of the parking lane, behind an SUV, thinking there was some traffic snarl up ahead.
This was after we had experienced a joyless diversion from an accident on the Brooklyn Bridge, zig-zagging all over Chinatown to get on the Manhattan Bridge (thanks, Google Maps -- I guess) as my bladder relentlessly cried out for relief.
I'm sure you get used to it and yeah probably just sell the car and use mass transit if you live there, but I wouldn't refer to that as "energyzing" at this point in my life, lol.
Yes, a lot of people don't own cars who live in Manhattan. Some never learn to drive at all. It is a PITA to drive in the city, so I rarely do. As I said, worked there most of my life, but always lived in the Jersey burbs so I commuted by train except for a couple of rare occasions when a project I was on required driving. Otherwise, it is just too stressful. And expensive.
If someone else drives, it's nice. My friend got tickets to Hadestown on Broadway last month, and her 20-something daughter drove us in.
And that fits this forum, since Hadestown is loosely based on characters from Greek mythology!
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