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A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.
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President Bush was sitting at his desk in the oval office when the Secretary of War walked in...
How goes the war in Iraq", asked Pres. Bush
"Terrible", said the Secretary of War, "Six Brazilian Soldiers were killed today"
"My, that is terrible news", replied President Bush
As the Secretary of War was leaving President Bush picked up the phone and called Condalezza Rice...
"Connie", he said, "How many is a Brazillion"?
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An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
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During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.
The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."
"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.
Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.
"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.
Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.
"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, 'Do you
have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
There was third grade teacher who had just become a born again Christian. She asked her class if any of them were born again Christians. Not knowing what a born again christian was, but wanting to please the teacher, they all raised their hands, except for little Sarah. The teacher asked her why she didn't raise her hand.
'Well I'm an atheist,' she replied.
'Why are you an atheist?' the teacher asked.
'Well my dad's an atheist and my mom's an atheist, and I'm not very religious myself, so I'm an atheist.'
'Well that's no reason,' the teacher replied, 'if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron then what would that make you.'
Little Sarah perked her head up and smiled then replied,'Well then I'd be a born again christian.'
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly
hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from
an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She
will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some
divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig
deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the
same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another
envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars.
This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short
but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs. He prays "Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!! "You don't have to shout dear", says the mother "God's not deaf." "I know" said the little boy, "but grandma is."
_______
Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."
The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
There was a little boy named Herbie, who at the age of three became blind, total darkness. Five years later Herbie's mom tells him, 'Herbie pray to Jesus and he will restore your sight, but you have to really believe it.' So Herbie prayed and prayed for four hours. The next morning Herbie wakes up then says, 'Mom, I can't see.'
Herbie's mom replies, 'I know Herbie, april fools.'
Last edited by agnostic soldier; 01-16-2009 at 03:45 PM..
A man has been in psychiatric care for quite some time due to his belief of being a Mouse.
Finally, on release the doctor laudes him for working so hard on reality and congratulates him on his newfound health. "You know you need not fear anything because you are a selfconfident man.
10 Minutes later the man returns to the clinic, screaming, "Doc, Doc, there's a Cat right around the corner.
"Oh man", said the doctor, we just done with that, don't we? You know you're a human being, much bigger than the cat....!"
"Yes," said the man, "I know I'm not a Mouse, but does the Cat know?"
A new Monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. But soon he realises that the other monks are copying from copies and not from the original manuscripts. He goes to the head monk and points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that the error would be continued in all other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point my son".
So the head monk goes down to the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original manuscript. Hours go by and nobody sees him so the new monk is sent downstairs to look for him. He hears some sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old head monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks the head monk what's wrong and in a choked voice came the reply..... "The word is celebrate"
Last edited by Lady Ice; 01-19-2009 at 04:02 AM..
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Divine Intervention
Lol!
