Why won't Bostonians look you in the eyes?

[ayceedeecee]

I just moved to Durham, NC from Boston Everyone here smiles and makes eye contact and its a pain in the uknowhat Chicks that arent interested in you smile at you like they want to be your girlfriend for life. Its not real, its all a fake act. Search the forum for "smiling at strangers" and you will see this only happens in the South

[hangyaku]

Just going from my experience as a Houston native (I lived in CA for a time and will be moving to Boston soon), I'm wondering if I have the correct idea of what everyone means by looking at others in the street. If people here are on an even moderately crowded sidewalk, looking at/nodding at/talking to passersby comes off as odd (and is obviously very time-consuming if you intend to do it all the time).

The behavior really only occurs when you're walking on/in a sidewalk/parking lot/neighborhood and you and the other person are passing each other and are the only people walking around; it's not intended to strike up a conversation, create friendships, or solely because you want to appear nice (which is what I understand by the nebulous term "fake friendliness"). It's actually very practical:

1. Two neighbors walking by each other? It's basically the same as saying "Nice weather, isn't it?" that is, it's just a greeting.
2. A local to the area to a stranger? It says "You're welcome here".
3. Two strangers passing by on the street? It diffuses some of the tension that comes naturally when walking in a city by yourself, especially if you're in an area you don't know or a bad part of town.

A quick nod and a "hi" is actually a very versatile gesture that, here at least, makes all parties involved feel a little brighter. Like an earlier poster (I believe K-Luv) said, there is no locking of eyes or slowing of gait, so trust me, they're really not trying to make friends by doing this.

They all seem happier if outsiders respect their space by not looking at them directly. Which is a submissive animal gesture and posture...

This struck me as interesting; there always seems to be, in the moment of looking at each other, a kind of sizing up -- it takes some degree of confidence to look at and greet strangers, IMHO.

To me it seems that passerby looking at each other is just, well, curiosity! Which is why I agree with K-Luv that not looking at anyone actually takes quite a bit of effort! Peripheral vision notwithstanding.

That said, I think that peoples' differences on this subject are generally a result of their environment, and I wouldn't say Bostonians are rude if they choose to look straight ahead as they walk. I have a preference for my native habits, but I can deal with a change without too much difficulty! Then there are people in Houston that hate that type of friendliness and would rather live somewhere else! So personal preference can definitely override environmental conditioning. I don't want to refer to it as different levels of friendliness -- implying that some areas are just intrinsically more/less friendly than others -- just different manners of expressing it. I don't feel that there is any need to resort to this "fake"/"real" friendliness talk.

[INstix]

When I visited the Boston area, I found it a fantastic relief to have people who I didn't have to engage all the time. I could actually go out and not have to talk to every person, hear about their personal lives, etc. Here in Indiana where I'm from, people really interact a great deal more. I don't call Boston cold or unfriendly. It's just different. Some people prefer a lot of interaction, and some-like me-would prefer to just be left alone unless interaction is called for. So what's wrong with that? I prefer it, and it's part of the reason why my family and I plan to move there in a few years.

I find a lot of interaction when I go out kind of exhausting.



Cara

[redcup]

What I find really funny is when tourists from up North (I live in a touristy town in GA) try to be relax and take on the "Southern friendliness" and end up overcompensating. The typical, "How are you?" "Fine thanks, yourself?" "I'm doing well." non-stop sidewalk custom thing locals do turns into a five minute talk about how nice the weather is or where the best restaurants are (anything, really). It's about as appropriate as attempting to meet everyone's eyes on the street in say, Boston.

Not that I mind, though. I've never met an unwound Yankee whose company I couldn't enjoy a little bit.

I think the Northeast - West Coast/Midwest/South dynamic is a bit overblown. I've seen people in Atlanta, New Orleans, Austin, San Francisco, LA, and Portland avoid acknowledging people on the street just as much as Boston or NY. And people in rural Maine and upstate New York seem comparable to the friendliest little old ladies in Alabama. I think it comes down to population density more than geography; lower population density allows for less hassle to get around, which allows time for people to engage in more elaborate, time-consuming social constructs such as the, "How are you?" "Doing good. You?" sidewalk chat thing. From that, the more widespread social mores build up: laid-back California, Southern charm, New England stoicism. It all comes down to population density.

Armchair sociology to be sure.

[usa2507]

I don't know why but I find Boston is just PERFECT!

I came here 7 years ago from another part of the world, Indonesia. People there were so nice and stuff, but there was a point that it got very irritating. Then I came to Boston, yes it's weird coz you sometimes try to smile at people and they just look at you back for 0.01 sec.

As time goes by, I realize that Bostonians are just perfect. I do talk to random strangers on the bus, but not-so engaging, just okay. And also, I do smile to some people in the mall than I happen to be eye-to-eye, and they smile back. Sometimes, try to just look at someone and when they look at you, give him or her a little bit of smile, most of the time, they smile back at me.

Bottomline, it's just perfect because you get what you want and you don't get what you don't want.

[gilwood]

I think it's undisputed by everyone that Boston people are generally cold and it's hard to make friends here.