Boston Newbie, Meeting friends, having a life... :) (Cambridge, Somerville: apartments, college)

[Shutout]

I imagine you moved here from another state so don't know anyone in the area to begin with. I think the hardest part will be getting that first "good friend" in the area. The easiest way to make friends, is through friends of friends... and I find it a lot more comfortable going out with 2 people instead of going to a bar/whatever alone. In my experience, I feel less "weird" meeting new people if I have someone else with me. But that brings us back to your initial problem of having to find a good friend when you're all on your own. I don't know if there are any sites that specialize with connecting people who recently moved to a new city and are in the same boat you're in, but maybe that's worth a google search?

Also, I don't know if you want to mix your work life with your social life, but maybe go out with people from work? Are you in to football? Could also host a get-together at your house to watch some football or something.

[Lewisham]

Originally Posted by timberline742

Honestly, and perhaps I'm not in the most typical groups of people, but most social ties seem to form from dating, and when younger, from working cruddy jobs. We go out drinking together after work and keep hanging out and then do other stuff. That was in my 20s. As I've gotten older, the new friends I've made and the ones I've seen most of my friends make are people we dated and it didn't work out in the romantic way, or they were friends of people we dated and that is how we connected.

Well... if I could go back in time and grow up in Boston sure... but I didn't!??!?

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by Lewisham

Well... if I could go back in time and grow up in Boston sure... but I didn't!??!?

Well that doesn't matter. I've moved in my 30s and 40s, and largely it was the same. I didn't have any friends here when I moved here at 33. I made them the same way, it just took a bit longer. I left for SF for a while 38-40 and made friend there the same way (work and dating (and alumni groups)).

It might be slower than in your 20s, but its the same process. Hang out with people from work if you like them, date and meet their friends... and maybe get that alumni group going.

[495neighbor]

Originally Posted by Lewisham

The thing is, you don't make friends meeting someone once, you make friends when there is some familiarity, so I sign up to go lots of events and stuff but you only meet the people once and then never again. Maybe I've attended the wrong networking nights but really it's all about business... how many cards can you hand out in one night and how much can you sell yourself.. feels a bit weird to call the guys number on his card later and be like "You threw this business card at me as you were passing by the throw the rest of your cards at other people, so we don't actually know each other but wanna grab a beer?"

What's wrong with inviting someone from the business event to grab a beer after work to talk about business? Thursday night is best, not date night (Saturday) and not a meat market night (Friday). People do it all the time. Places like Area 4 in Kendall, many sociable business meetings happening in places like this.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by 495neighbor

What's wrong with inviting someone from the business event to grab a beer after work to talk about business? People do it all the time. Places like Area 4 in Kendall, many sociable business meetings happening in places like this.

And networking events. Not sure of his field.

Also, brewery events. Aeronautica has plenty in Somerville, nice place to meet new people. Beeradvocate has tasting events all over. Lots of stuff like that around.

[495neighbor]

Originally Posted by timberline742

Honestly, and perhaps I'm not in the most typical groups of people, but most social ties seem to form from dating, and when younger, from working cruddy jobs. We go out drinking together after work and keep hanging out and then do other stuff. That was in my 20s. As I've gotten older, the new friends I've made and the ones I've seen most of my friends make are people we dated and it didn't work out in the romantic way, or they were friends of people we dated and that is how we connected.

I met a lot of people through roommates in my 20s.

I'm guessing the OP lives alone.

[SoFresh99]

This is the millionth post on this subject (not by this OP). I'll say what I always say: I spent 18 years in Boston and have almost zero friends to show for it. Those same 18 years, my native Bostonian husband has zero friends (but the three guys left from high school) to show for it. I took classes at harvard, I joined stuff at the Cambridge and Newton Community Ed.,
I made "friends" with upstair/downstairs tenants, people from work, etc. None of these people became actual friends. We are not unlikeable people. Since we have moved from Boston we have become actual friends (call, text, hang out, weekends, etc.) with at least 20 separate couples. In one year.

Boston is a socially reserved place and unless you are the most socially agressive go-getter you will not succeed. I have another friend, from the same midwestern zone as me. She moved to Boston about ten years after me. She has a TON of actual friends. But she is also the most social and dynamic human I have ever met. If you are just a regular amount of social it is hard to succeed. Nobody wants the added stress/commute of developing a new friend, their calendar is full up with their 50hr a week job+commute + the one friendship they've been able to cultivate. Also everybody leaves, so you can spend that energy making a friend but once their residency/internship/visa is up they are gone. So there is little incentive to emotionally invest.

Over those 18 years DH NEVER EVER understood what I was complaining about- I would say "It doesn't have to be this way." He never understood that life could be anything else but the insular and isolated social experience he had had his entire life in Boston. I knew, since I had an adult life before I moved there- that Boston was abnormal. Now that we are elsewhere he finds it heartbreaking that he spent 44years of his life thinking that the cold disconnect of Boston was what life had to offer.

I wish I had better news but I really don't want people to make the same mistake we did. It can affect your confidence and worldview over time.

[Lewisham]

SoFresh,
This has been my experience here. I'm not a totally anti-social person or have no social skills...

In the time I've been here I've met lots of people. I feel like I have hundreds of acquaintances through meeting and talking to people... but in terms of anyone maybe willing to just go beyond talking pleasantries or talking or doing anything more than that... I agree... zero people.

This is why I find some of these suggestions difficult. I appreciate people looking to help and the ideas... but I don't really believe that many of the suggestions given are ACTUAL things the person posting them has ever done.

Again, I'm just using the Networking events as an example. I've gone just to see if there are others in the city around my own age who may have moved from out of town, maybe we just get chatting over a drink or something at the event.
But the reality has been this: People come and shove their card in my face without even introducing themselves, then move along to do the same to the next person. Even if I was looking for business, its a terrible way to conduct yourself. I wouldn't call them. Those who DO talk have an agenda. Some are recruiting, when I say I am not looking for work but just looking to meet other people in the city in my indutry, they walk away, I am of no use to them. If someone is looking for a job, or an opportunity, or something to invest in, but again, hear I am just looking to meet people in my field and not actually selling something or promoting something or offering jobs, again, they walk away.

Even if I WAS there with a business related agenda, I would be very unimpressed with the way they handle themselves.

Everyone just seems to talk about what they do and constantly "big up" themselves and their title. If I said I was a brain surgeon, the next guy would have to one up me and say he's a rocket scientist. It's very difficult. Where I'm from, we don't care about that stuff, people who talk themselves up are seen as arrogant and stuck up, not as impressive or friendly.

Agai, I'm not attempting to bash Boston here. I do love the city itself and really wish the be here. But even a beautiful city can wear you down with any lack of real company.

[missionhill]

Unlike SoFresh I don't think the problem is place-specific. Not to say there aren't friendlier places than Boston, and surely smaller places tend to be friendlier even in the 'chilly' northeast. In my experience, work, school, and church (or other house of worship) are the best sources of friends. School is huge, so is work. Social groups are big too even informal ones like running buddies. But cycling clubs, hiking groups, theater groups, choral societies, book clubs, joining a vacant lot garden, team sports, golfing, sailing-- all these things can make for lasting friendships. I wouldn't expect too much from a networking setting, by the way; as you say, people are looking to advance their careers and they're posing.

Could be a life cycle thing hitting you that seems more severe for having left your old friends behind and not finding new ones spontaneously in the new place. Lots of people find it easy to make friends when they're 10, 15, 20, 25. Things just seem to happen; you meet people, strike up friendships. Later on it gets harder, and more so for men than women. When everyone is still 25 or 30, stuff happens spontaneously. When you're 40 or 50 things don't happen. Lots of acquaintances but no friends. You're 28 (?) so should still be easy by my reckoning but maybe you're already experiencing a shift. You may have to decide to risk the embarrassment and actively make someone you like into a friend. Pursue the person, ask them to do something fun together with you. It should lead somewhere.

[Fenway Freak]

Are you a Boston sports fan? If so, go to a bar and strike up a conversation with a stranger.