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My girlfriend of almost a year was recently diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She was a perfectly happy/normal/healthy young woman with no risk factors so I guess she was just unlucky. I'm not religious, but I thank god every day that Hodgkin's is one of the few great cancer victories of the past century.
Anyway, she's already had her first chemo infusion and it was rough on her but not all that terrible. She's staying with her parents during her treatment since her mom is home all day to take care of her. I drive about 50 miles round trip nearly everyday after work just to spend time with her and try to do the little things like bringing care packages, etc.
I really have two questions here:
1. What more can I do to make this whole process easier on her? The doctors can ALMOST guarantee an all out cure within a few months, so it's all about weathering the storm at this point. Her parents are very welcoming and want me to stay with them over many nights, but this is one of the very few things I'm not really comfortable with. What else can I do?
2. What can I do to cope with my own stress about this whole process? My girlfriend picks up on my stress level pretty easily, but it's hard to not be stressed when I work 10+ hours a day, care for a dog at home, and spend hours in traffic every day on my commute and going to visit. I don't sleep much anymore either and the emotional toll on me has been a big burden (it's heavy on her mother too). I think it would be better for both of us if I could reduce my stress as much as possible. I've recently focused more on going to the gym as "me time" but not only is it time consuming, it also makes me feel guilty about choosing the gym over her. My time is at a premium and choosing to go to the gym after a long work day forces me to be on the road to her parents' place very late sometimes. Late is not good when I have to wake up early and get to work the next day. Is there anything else I can do to help myself cope? I would hope that reducing my own stress level and getting a bit more sleep would show significant benefit for both of us during this tough time.
Thank you all for any responses. I'll be posting a semi-related thread in Relationships when I get a few moments so feel free to pop in and say hi!
My girlfriend of almost a year was recently diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She was a perfectly happy/normal/healthy young woman with no risk factors so I guess she was just unlucky. I'm not religious, but I thank god every day that Hodgkin's is one of the few great cancer victories of the past century.
And she will again be a perfectly happy, normal, healthy person when treatments are over because she will beat the disease. I've been there.
I was diagnosed with Stage IV Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and went through a variety of treatments, lived to tell about them all ... and I did. I wrote a quick-read e-book advising others how to approach it, treat it and beat it. I'm sharing the link because it's a free ebook.
After you both read it, you should come away with a sense of what you will face over the next few months, but you should also come away with a new attitude and a sense of empowerment knowing that you will be victorious!
I don't know what the right thing is to do. I agree that managing your own stress is important, so you can be relaxed when you are with her.
I would suggest finding some sort of routine to get into. Maybe stay over with her on weekends (I know it's a little weird to stay over in a strange house, but I bet she'll love having the company) and try to visit on certain days during the week. For example, maybe visit on Tuesdays and Thursdays after work for a few hours, and then come over Saturday morning and leave Sunday afternoon.
Take advantage of technology to keep in touch on the other days: text, chat online, Skype.
Working out is a great stress reliever. But working out on the days you visit may be too much, too long of a day. Maybe try to alternate days?
Care packages are an awesome idea, so sweet! If you can afford it, you might surprise her with a package in the mail to arrive on a day you aren't visiting, have flowers delivered occasionally, etc.
I am sorry the two of you are going through this. Best of luck.
I ended treatment for Stage IV Hodgkin's in August.
Is she working, in school, or volunteering? If not, she needs to be. She can't sit on the couch for 6 - 8 months during chemo - she will go out of her mind. I worked full time (with a two hour commute!) the entirety of my treatment, did most things on my own (I was living 1000 miles away from family and 4 months into my first "real" job at 23), and started a Boston chapter of the nonprofit I'm Too Young for This!/Stupid Cancer, an organization for young adult survivors of cancer. My situation was the extreme in the other direction but you need to find a happy medium. Going for walks every day also was instrumental to feeling better. My chemo weekends (got chemo Friday, felt weird but ok on Saturday, and then couldn't get out of bed on Sunday) were much better and not nearly as painful if I made sure that I walked around the block a few times on Friday and Saturday.
Another is to never, ever, ever say "You're going to be ok". I'll be honest, reading Charley's first line almost pushed me into a panic attack. Everyone is different, of course, but I know I will never be "normal" after this experience. And with the lung capacity of an 80 year old (I am legally "disabled" based on my lung capacity), I will never really be healthy in the way I imagined beforehand - though the lung toxicity due to bleomycin is generally fairly rare (and the reason your girlfriend will get pulmonary function tests fairly often). I won't tell people I'm cured and I get really, really, really angry when people talk about how Hodgkin's is curable - it just ups my anxiety. People thought they were being helpful when they told me that, including my doctors, and I felt like I had to constantly put on an act to play to that expectation. While realistically I know that my chances are very low for relapsing (and then even a relapse is mostly survivable - the financial devastation is the part that scares me the most), I do not want ANYONE to tell me that. Especially people with no medical training.
Could she come to your place? That takes the burden off of both of you and would be a nice change of scenery for her. I basically lived at my ex boyfriend's house every weekend because he didn't mind if we just laid in bed and watched stupid movies on Netflix.
I'll be honest, reading Charley's first line almost pushed me into a panic attack. Everyone is different, of course, but I know I will never be "normal" after this experience.
Just a side note, and maybe it's semantics. You are absolutely right that you will never be the "normal" you were before cancer. But you will at some point reach a new level of normal. Yes, it's going to include some deficits that you didn't have before ... and yes, you're going to feel different about things than you felt before ... and yes, there is always going to be some level of fear that it could happen again, but in my opinion, that is what I consider my new normal. (That, and a whole lot more.) The old normal will never return, but I'm becoming comfortable with my new normal - even if it did take about three years to get to "comfortable".
Oh, I know, Charley. And semantics make so many things more tricky.
Personally, I feel SO MUCH PRESSURE from everyone to be "brave", "inspirational", and "positive" when I feel anything but. I had a boy dump me in the middle of chemo because the few times I felt comfortable enough to discuss deeper things with him, it was "too stressful". Now I use CD to vent because I don't feel comfortable portraying myself as anything but positive for fear that everyone around me will break down. And in talking with other cancer survivors, overwhelmingly children, teenagers, and young adults (under 30) do this whereas people who were older do not tend to feel that pressure. Maybe because since we're young, we confront others' ideas of mortality and youth? It's something that didn't bother me as much during treatment but really bothers me now.
Personally, I feel SO MUCH PRESSURE from everyone to be "brave", "inspirational", and "positive"
Having read so much of what you've written, I have a sense that all you have to be is "yourself" ... and you're going to be great! Don't allow other's "pressure" to change you into something that will put them at ease. Just be you. No one does that better.
IMO - you are so very lucky that her parents would invite you to stay over and make you a part of the family. That in itself seems would be a two-fold solution. Some of the stress would be alleviated by not having to spend so much time on the road and the other would be that your girlfriend would also have you there to comfort her. I suggest you try it - maybe over a weekend - and see how you feel. As far as Fido goes - he is part of your family and there could possibly be some arrangements made to include him as part of their family. Sounds like you have met some very undertanding and wonderful people and they are opening up their heart and home to you. It may be worth investing a little more time in looking at the alternative from what you are currently doing. Wishing her a speedy recovery.
I ended treatment for Stage IV Hodgkin's in August.
I'm very sorry you had to go through that hell. Did you have radiation therapy after chemo?
Thankfully my girlfriend is very early stage so chemo is going to be "quick," probably only 4 cycles with no radiation.
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Is she working, in school, or volunteering?
That's still up in the air, she wants to see how the first interval goes. Might work part time.
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Another is to never, ever, ever say "You're going to be ok".
She actually says this all the time, but she has been a very positive person all her life. We're also close enough that we can really show our true feelings to each other with certainly helps.
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Everyone is different, of course, but I know I will never be "normal" after this experience. And with the lung capacity of an 80 year old (I am legally "disabled" based on my lung capacity), I will never really be healthy in the way I imagined beforehand - though the lung toxicity due to bleomycin is generally fairly rare (and the reason your girlfriend will get pulmonary function tests fairly often).
I'm sorry to hear that the bleo really took a toll. Most people come out unscathed (long term, that is) and some are not so lucky. The doctors are optimistic in her case, and there is no "urgency" to the treatment because we managed to catch it so early. This basically means that they have an abundance of time to custom tailor treatment to reduce long term effects if they suspect any.
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I felt like I had to constantly put on an act to play to that expectation. While realistically I know that my chances are very low for relapsing (and then even a relapse is mostly survivable - the financial devastation is the part that scares me the most), I do not want ANYONE to tell me that. Especially people with no medical training.
I was afraid of this very thing, which is why I encourage her to be open about pretty much everything, good or bad. She encourages the same from me.
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Could she come to your place?
At this point she'd rather be with her mom 24/7 for the real icky days. That's ok with me since I'd be at work and don't want her to be alone.
Regarding the "new normal" - there's never a guarantee, but doctors are optimistic that her new normal will actually be very close to her old normal, minus the fear of relapse. I'm very thankful that we caught it early and started treatment so quickly. She has the absolute best chance possible for living a long perfectly healthy life after this little speed bump.
IMO - you are so very lucky that her parents would invite you to stay over and make you a part of the family. That in itself seems would be a two-fold solution. Some of the stress would be alleviated by not having to spend so much time on the road and the other would be that your girlfriend would also have you there to comfort her. I suggest you try it - maybe over a weekend - and see how you feel. As far as Fido goes - he is part of your family and there could possibly be some arrangements made to include him as part of their family. Sounds like you have met some very undertanding and wonderful people and they are opening up their heart and home to you. It may be worth investing a little more time in looking at the alternative from what you are currently doing. Wishing her a speedy recovery.
You're right that I'm very lucky to have met such a wonderful and inviting family. To be honest, staying there is significantly out of my comfort zone though I did do it the night of her first infusion. They have even volunteered to take in my dog, though they had reiterated multiple times that they are NOT dog people before this whole ordeal. I'm not really comfortable burdening them with my dog. Also, if I don't stay then her mom can sleep in her room, which I get the feeling is what she really needs.
I had a difficult family life growing up, leading me to be super uncomfortable with how inviting they've been. I love that they give ample opportunity to be a part of her recovery, but staying and/or living there really isn't much of an option for me at this point. Not to mention, continuing to live at my own place allows me to have a safe haven where I can go to get away and sometimes even just cry (not so much any more, but a few times during the early part of the diagnostic process). I need some alone time sometimes, it's just who I am.
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