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I would definitely cut him some slack. When my husband died my brother was with me in the hospital room. Our son arrived a few hours later, my sister arrived the next day and my husband's brother arrived two days later. Even with multiple adults helping me share the work it was almost impossible to cope with everything and get everything done. There is just so much to do.
My son and BIL stayed with me a week and my sister stayed with me for a month (and then my daughter for two more weeks). I was still a mess.
I can not imagine having to deal with death of a spouse all alone, like your friend.
I am sure that he appreciated everything that his late wife's friends did for her. Maybe you will hear from him in a few weeks.
PS. It is possible that he asked his wife's sister to notify people as he was just not up to doing it himself. It is not unusual to have a relative take over that task.
I would definitely cut him some slack. When my husband died my brother was with me in the hospital room. Our son arrived a few hours later, my sister arrived the next day and my husband's brother arrived two days later. Even with multiple adults helping me share the work it was almost impossible to cope with everything and get everything done. There is just so much to do.
My son and BIL stayed with me a week and my sister stayed with me for a month (and then my daughter for two more weeks). I was still a mess.
I can not imagine having to deal with death of a spouse all alone, like your friend.
I am sure that he appreciated everything that his late wife's friends did for her. Maybe you will hear from him in a few weeks.
PS. It is possible that he asked his wife's sister to notify people as he was just not up to doing it himself. It is not unusual to have a relative take over that task.
Emotions are still raw and you're right
This is very hard. You are right in that he is probably trying to cope with everything going on and I should cut him slack.
My mother had a very bad heart for 15+ years, and we lost her at age 91. Never did she ever talk about being at the end of her life, as God kept her thoughts positive to the very end.
My wife had uterine cancer 13 years ago, and a very good doctor did a PAP smear that spotted it quickly. The surgeon caught the cancer before it got into her bloodstream, and no chemo or radiation was required. There again, God had His plan for her because we're having to raise an 8 year old granddaughter permanently.
We were visiting a niece in London, and she wasn't feeling well. A month later, she was found to have cancer. The U.K. medical protocol didn't include surgery first, and they did chemo/radiation on her. We ended up burying her in Memphis 10 months later, and they were torturous times. There again, God kept her positive about life up until the last minute. And she went from just whispering to singing a loud aria in a very strong soprano voice the second she passed. God was taking her Home that second.
Actually, we (her friends) are kind of upset with her husband. We donated thousands to her gofundme and never even got a "thank you" from him. When she died, we all found out because her sister posted it on social media. Her husband didn't even tell us or contact us. We messaged him expressing our condolences and offer support, and were only met with silence. We asked about a funeral or wake and were met with silence. We then find out through the sister that our friend's remains were cremated. (The sister doesn't even live in the US, btw.)
I get that the husband is grieving but seriously, so are we. He could have at least thanked us or said something. He was always one of those awkward introverts.
If you need the grief stricken widower, now single father, to thank you or even think of you, you are more concerned with your needs than his. Get over it.
If you need the grief stricken widower, now single father, to thank you or even think of you, you are more concerned with your needs than his. Get over it.
WOW! Pretty harsh thing to say to a friend who was closely involved and is also grieving!
I get that the husband is grieving but seriously, so are we. He could have at least thanked us or said something. He was always one of those awkward introverts.
At probably one of the worst moments in his life, you want this already socially "awkward" man, to thank you.
I get that the husband is grieving but seriously, so are we. He could have at least thanked us or said something. He was always one of those awkward introverts.
At probably one of the worst moments in his life, you want this already socially "awkward" man, to thank you.
I stand by my previous comment.
Lillie's comment might be blunt but there's merit to it. When we give a gift or help someone out it should be done without any thought of receiving something in return - in this case a 'thank you.' If you give a gift freely without any expectations, then the gift given is truly from the heart - a perfect example is when gifts are given anonymously. Being angry for not receiving a 'thank you' from a husband who lost his wife (and the mother of his young daughter,) would never enter my mind.
As far as not being notified when your friend died - that's understandable. Perhaps there wasn't a funeral or viewing and even if there was, maybe the family wanted just a simple, small gathering. Best to focus on remembering your friendship and knowing that the gift you gave was helpful and given from a place of love, caring and friendship. I'm sorry for your loss.
WOW! Pretty harsh thing to say to a friend who was closely involved and is also grieving!
I agree.
Apparently the husband has no one to instruct him in the basics. As in, if someone organizes a funding drive that produces thousands of dollars, a "thank you" is the bare minimum when someone does that for you and your wife. If one absolutely cannot type those eight characters and a space, you get someone else to do it for you.
Please don't try to tell me that he couldn't possibly have five minutes in a day to take care of it.
Apparently the husband has no one to instruct him in the basics. As in, if someone organizes a funding drive that produces thousands of dollars, a "thank you" is the bare minimum when someone does that for you and your wife. If one absolutely cannot type those eight characters and a space, you get someone else to do it for you.
Please don't try to tell me that he couldn't possibly have five minutes in a day to take care of it.
Of course that would be ideal. I never said he shouldn't ever say thank you to people who helped so much. I was trying to suggest that he was in the depths of mourning and taking care of the niceties might not happen until life returned to some type of new normal. People grieve differently. When my mother finally died after a horrible multi-year battle with ALS, it took my father months to come up for air and respond to those who had helped. Didn't mean he didn't care or wasn't grateful. It was too painful and quite beyond him for quite a while. Family friends understood that.
Problem solved. Never talk to him again. You and your other friends can form your own grief group. You said that the widower was awkward and not socially adept even without this stress. He apparently is trying to deal with his grief in his own way, without his late wife's friends. And that's OK.
Maybe he'll never say thank you. And that's OK. You're not friends. Move on. Being angry that you weren't thanked for your cash contribution does no honor to your friend. You made a contribution to help your friend. That is the important "take away" here.
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