How do you tell your parent that we reached the end of her cancer treatment (pain, chemotherapy) - Prevention, detection, treatment - City-Data Forum

CLTKing · 03-09-2009, 03:30 PM

For the last year, my mother has been getting treatment for her cancer. I knew from the beginning that it was almost uncureable. However, I kept hoping for the best. For a few months I have known that the tumor grew, and she has been positive about it. However, today her oncologyst told me that we might be reaching the end of the line, that chemotherapy is not doing any good and that there might not be much else they can do for her. How do I tell her that? She is alive because she has been positive up to now. She was only given 3 months and now is a whole year since it was diagnosed. I don't want to break her spirit, but I don't want to lie to her either. Please help. Thanks.

AliceT · 03-09-2009, 03:41 PM

I can't imagine why her doctor told you rather his patient to begin with. That said, honesty is always the best policy. Tell her the same way her doctor told you. Nothing more can be done. Let her take it up with her doctor and let her have her privacy back.

bluedevilz · 03-09-2009, 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AliceT

I can't imagine why her doctor told you rather his patient to begin with. That said, honesty is always the best policy. Tell her the same way her doctor told you. Nothing more can be done. Let her take it up with her doctor and let her have her privacy back.

I would have the same question...

Quite honestly it is the physician's job (and duty) to relay this information to the patient. You shouldn't be put in this position, your job should be support your mother not be the bearer of this news. If on the other hand, your mother delegated you as her health care proxy and wanted you to be the go between with her doctors then as Alice stated, just be honest and tell her exactly what the doctor told you.

Chances are the news won't be a surprise to your mother, patients often know before their caregivers when this news is coming if not from their own suspicions then from nonverbal cues and body language of their care givers....

Best of luck to you both...

Aptor hours · 03-09-2009, 04:04 PM

How is your mother feeling

My father just died of cancer after being diagnosed only seven weeks prior..we thought we had more time but in the final week it became clear to us all including my father that death was coming. Sadly the death was the easy part now is the really really hard part

Pikantari · 03-10-2009, 08:41 AM

OK. Here is what happened with my mother back in 99/00. She was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Carcinoma and started Chemotherapy and was on Oxygen. They gave her 6 weeks. She really did not want to do the chemo. I think she actually did it for us kids.

The cancer went into her kidney, liver, bones, and in the end, her brain. She lived 13 months.

One month before she passed, she made the decision to stop the chemo which had been going much longer than it should have been.

All the while, I wanted her to be on the chemo but her quality of life was so very noticeably not good. I realized I was being greedy with her life.

When she initially made the decision to end chemo, it was upsetting but understanding.

Her cancer had only been staying at bay, and it all just exploded, went everywhere. We had her for about a week and after that she went downhill.

That week, my friend, was like pure heaven.

It was hard to accept, but sometimes life is that way.

When she passed on Christmas Eve, a rush flew over my head as I stood in her doorway. No more pain for her. The pain, now, was in me.

Beth56 · 03-10-2009, 09:17 AM

I am also surprised that the doctor did not discuss this with your mother. But your mother is probably already aware that her life is slipping away. Talk to your mom.

I had that talk with my mom in 1990 before she passed from pancreatic cancer.

Padgett2 · 03-10-2009, 09:39 AM

I wouldn't bring it up unless she does. But don't say things like "when you get better." She probably knows, or at least suspects that things aren't going well. Follow her lead. If, at some point, she mentions that she thinks it's about over, then you can say, some like, "yes, it looks that way." And then, ask her if she wants to talk about it some. If she doesn't, then don't. It may be that she is the type that feels that if she ignores the problem, it will be easier to handle. I think I would be that way. I would take it one day at the time, and please don't give me a time frame to think about. Just let me think about it in my own way.

I agree that the doctor should be the one to inform her that things look as if the treatments aren't working. The thing that he may be waiting on is for you to tell him that all you want is for her to be comfortable and that you understand that a "cure" is impossible so it's OK if he wants to stop what may be a useless procedure. Many doctors simply don't quit trying until someone, the patient or the family, says that the time has come to just make the patient comfortable.

tcrackly · 03-10-2009, 12:42 PM

I feel for you and your mother. My dear sister passed away three years ago from uterine cancer. towards the end she made me and my brother her health proxies. I lived out of town so my brother generally knew what was up before I did, but the doctor always kept my sister informed through the whole process.
Sometimes I get the feeling that they gave her unsubstantiated hopes but then that probably was a effort to help bolster her immune system to fight. When it cam to the last hours we had to be frank about what technologies were available for her...it came to be a question of her comfort. My suggestion would be for you and the doctor to have a quiet discussion with your Mom about what will happen to her. Be sure the doctor has informed you as well on what to expect..symptoms, levels of pain and/or discomfort, relief for symptoms or pain. If as much as possible is clear and understood you can then focus on the remaining time being with her as she would have it. God bless you and yours...it's a trying time.

CLTKing · 03-10-2009, 01:34 PM

Thanks all for your comforting thoughts. We need them.
My mother's Dr. spoke to her and us, he was very clear that we can't anything else regarding treatment. She will be discharge from the hospital today, and will be on home hospice. My sister will take care of all her needs. She is quitting her job to stay home with her. I live 700 miles away, and that makes it harder for me, but this is about her, not me.
After the Dr. had the conversation with her, she understood that from now on we just want her to be comfortable, no more needles, chemo, etc. She is very depressed, and both my sister and I are trying our best to encourage her. All we want is for her not to suffer any pain. I know she is not ready to die, and up to a week ago she still had that fighting spirit, but I am afraid that spirit might be dwindling. I am angry, not sure at what, because she wants to live, and she is truly a good person. I always thought she was going to be around for many more years. But I know how life is, and we never know how we are going to end up. Anyways, thanks to all that have responded to this thread.

Élan vital · 03-10-2009, 02:13 PM

I never ever want a doctor or anyone telling me my time is near. I've instructed my doctor to not tell me. What the hell good does it do? I mean really. If OP said the mother has a positive,upbeat attitude then that's what's important. I've never understood this whole thing about a patient being told they have x number of days,weeks,months to live. We all know everyday that we're alive that we're one day closer to dying. I don't want a time frame. It's up to God to decide when and how I go. My husband and children can be told if they want to know as I've added them to the list to be able to receive informatiom about my medical condition.

And Aptor hours, I'm sorry for your loss. Please know that your dad is now in a wonderful place full of great joy and is happy and healthy.