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CLTKing, my prayers go out to your family, as well as everyone else who has lost a relative. It's painful to read this post because I just lost my grandmother to pancreatic cancer less than two weeks ago. The doctor had the conversation with my grandmother, as well as my mom and her siblings. They never gave her a timeline, but we were well aware that the radiation and chemo was no longer beneficial in her case. My grandmother was a very religious person and she had faith that God would take the cancer away, but it wasn't meant to be.
I know it's hard to have to hear, but now is the time to start making plans. Make sure that she is comfortable and discusses those important and intimate wishes. Make sure you tell her that you love her and support her. This is the one positive thing about the situation--you have time to say those things that you may have suppressed for a long time. You'll feel better about it.
My loss was so recent...it still hurts. We're coping and we're fine, but I think about her all the time. I have to also remember that she is no longer suffering. We can't bring her back, but we have good memories. I'll be thinking about you.
My prayers and good thoughts go to the OP and her family. Since fall of 2005 I have put to rest my dearest sister, my Dad, my brother, and my brother's ex-wife, Mom to my niece. Before that there were several deaths, some sudden and some expected, in my husband's family. I've been told time and time again that parting is part of life. It still hurts deeply. My point is that if I were ill, I would want to know my time was coming. It is a part of the human existence that many are in denial about. There were a lot of relationship flaws or time separations that loved ones wanted to personally address. Usually more for the living than the person moving on. My sister struggled with her cancer for a year, but in the end I had only hours from a doctor's phone call to assure myself that she knew how much I loved her.
I hope my words don't burden you. I don't mean to. You should know that each person and each life may be unique, but this part of the human experience is common to all, like birth.
Thanks all for your comforting thoughts. We need them.
My mother's Dr. spoke to her and us, he was very clear that we can't anything else regarding treatment. She will be discharge from the hospital today, and will be on home hospice. My sister will take care of all her needs. She is quitting her job to stay home with her. I live 700 miles away, and that makes it harder for me, but this is about her, not me.
After the Dr. had the conversation with her, she understood that from now on we just want her to be comfortable, no more needles, chemo, etc. She is very depressed, and both my sister and I are trying our best to encourage her. All we want is for her not to suffer any pain. I know she is not ready to die, and up to a week ago she still had that fighting spirit, but I am afraid that spirit might be dwindling. I am angry, not sure at what, because she wants to live, and she is truly a good person. I always thought she was going to be around for many more years. But I know how life is, and we never know how we are going to end up. Anyways, thanks to all that have responded to this thread.
I'm sorry, I've been there too. It's been 3 years and is no easier.
Best advice I can give you, get on a plane and go visit her and do it now.
No one can predict when she will go..
I know this sounds morbid but your sister (or you) might want to write her obituary up. I don't remember how my dad and I started doing it, it was actually a week before he went & we did not know at that time. I'm thankful we did though, there were things he wanted that I might not have added.
You can do this without her really knowing that you are doing it. Talk to her about her life and things she's done. My dad also chose to include the names of our husbands which a lot of obituaries don't.
I wish your mom peace.
Hospice is wonderful. She'll be in good hands.
I'm betting that she already knows---after all, it's HER body that's failing.
Talk to her. Find out what she wants---does she want pain relief? Feeding?...You owe it to her to let her make her wishes known! She's not a child, and shouldn't be treated as one. Let her decide how her life will end.
I'm betting that she already knows---after all, it's HER body that's failing.
Talk to her. Find out what she wants---does she want pain relief? Feeding?...You owe it to her to let her make her wishes known! She's not a child, and shouldn't be treated as one. Let her decide how her life will end.
I am so sorry about your mother. I agree that it is the doctor that should have told your mother about her current prognosis. Being as that did not happen I would say you have the choice of telling her yourself, not telling her at all (I do not feel that is fair to the patient) or talk to the doctor and have him tell her. I think if it were me I would tell her but still tell her that there are people all the time that are given prognosis of having only weeks or months to live and go way beyong that. I would try to make sure she is comfortable and not in pain. If she is able to get around I would spend as much time with her as possible and encourage all her friends and family to also do the same. If there is enough money it would be wonderful if the whole family could take a vacation together or you and her take a cruise or something along that line. Make her final days as special as you can. I wish you luck.
I'm betting that she already knows---after all, it's HER body that's failing.
Talk to her. Find out what she wants---does she want pain relief? Feeding?...You owe it to her to let her make her wishes known! She's not a child, and shouldn't be treated as one. Let her decide how her life will end.
Before being told, not necessarily; my dad didn't. He hadn't been feeling well, was getting weaker for some reason until we couldn't get him out of bed any more.
Hospice was called in Saturday. He went fast, by Monday and we didn't know it at the time, his body was shutting down, he couldn't control his bowels. Even then he didn't know.
The morning he passed, he knew it was Monday, he knew he went for blood on Monday's, Wednesday & Friday. Kept saying he had to get to his appointment.
She knows. I am going down to visit her in a week. I am spending an entire week with her and my family. I know she is very happy about that. Thanks all for your comments and prayers.
For the last year, my mother has been getting treatment for her cancer. I knew from the beginning that it was almost uncureable. However, I kept hoping for the best. For a few months I have known that the tumor grew, and she has been positive about it. However, today her oncologyst told me that we might be reaching the end of the line, that chemotherapy is not doing any good and that there might not be much else they can do for her. How do I tell her that? She is alive because she has been positive up to now. She was only given 3 months and now is a whole year since it was diagnosed. I don't want to break her spirit, but I don't want to lie to her either. Please help. Thanks.
I just lost my mother to cancer last week...im still trying to adjust to it...doesnt seem real. she was diagnosed 4 months ago...but right away...docs said she wouldnt make it to summer...the cancer was everywhere inside her. cancer has hit every woman on her side...and she and i always knew the risk...but mom was stubbern and never wanted to know. before she died, she told me she wished that she had been good about checkups and maybe would have caught it in time. sad thing is...doc said it was never picked up before in her previous checkups...it only showed up now cuz it started to spread rapidily.
she did the chemo and radiation....she was 90 lbs when she found out...had a ulser burst in her stomach 2 weeks later and almost died then....after that...her wieght dropped fast...as well as her strength...we all begged her to keep fighting...but she knew she was dying before the doc admitted it. she said she could "feel" it....we was both nurses aides before, and hard this before...people tend to know when they are dying.
we to was afraid mom would give up hope...but she had a right to know...i do believe once she knew she did give up some hope...but i went on cancer forums and read how others faced the same...its part of the steps basically of dealing with it....she will give up some...but also make the most of the time she has.
its hard, my heart goes out to you on this....my mom was doing as best she could till the last week...docs said after all she suffered thru, and going into hosipice at under 60lbs....she was a miracal...they said she shouldnt have lasted as long as she did....the last week she was in pain and wanted it to be over...and i think she willed it upon herself to let go.
my heart is still breaking....it was all so fast and still not real to me.
if i can ever be a shoulder to lean on...feel free to pm me, i will even give you my email.....i hope your mom continues to do ok....i just wish cancer didnt exist, its so evil and cruel. luv and hugs to you and yours.
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sorry to hear...
