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Sam I Am, lovely, calming, posts....LOL. Caregiving for parents can be fraught with all kinds of emotional and often unresolved issues..so, it was good to read these posts, all of them, from everyone. My parents have been long gone but, I have regrets about my Mother and I wish I had had this forum 10 years ago. Thx to all. This may become my new favorite forum..LOL.
I sometimes feel guilty about moving him 400 miles to an area he's unfamiliar with, but he said and we believed (and still do) that he never would have made it on his own. He has now decided it might be best to buy a home where my spouse and I can live with him, in the city where my sister lives in the same state. My spouse works 10 on/5 off in another city, so basically it would just be me living with my father. And I can't figure out how I feel about that
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Don 't do this! He is being the child, wanting to be taken care of, to be catered to. You must be the adult. He needs some independence, and so do you. Nothing good will come of this plan.
Silibran, you missed it - he's already moved to my town. Now we're just considering moving to another town in the same state, but he has already left hearth and home way further south to move to central Arkansas.
He's 80 freakin' years old. Yes, he wants to be taken care of to some degree. As I've said in other posts, I actually do the minimum on a lot of levels for my father. Does he want someone to make his meals? Yes. Does he want companionship? Yes. Is he lonely? Yes. If my providing that and doing some laundry is what qualifies him as being "catered to" then I guess I'm guilty as charged.
Silibran, you missed it - he's already moved to my town. Now we're just considering moving to another town in the same state, but he has already left hearth and home way further south to move to central Arkansas.
He's 80 freakin' years old. Yes, he wants to be taken care of to some degree. As I've said in other posts, I actually do the minimum on a lot of levels for my father. Does he want someone to make his meals? Yes. Does he want companionship? Yes. Is he lonely? Yes. If my providing that and doing some laundry is what qualifies him as being "catered to" then I guess I'm guilty as charged.
I understood from your letter that he wanted you and him to live together, after you had moved him to your town. Sorry I misunderstood.
Age 80 isn't that old any more, for lots of folks. You should do for him what you feel is best. I hope you don't have to go retrieve him in the future. Having a rebellious older parent is like being the parent of a rebellious teenager all over again.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer in 1998. After surgery and radiation, she recovered. Then she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2002. She's been an invalid for the last 2 1/2 years. She's really no problem since she has caregivers who tend to her. Except for her brain, she's in good health and the doctors say she could go on like this for another 15 years (she's 84). My dad was fine until about two months ago. Now he's showing signs of dementia. I now have my mother's caregivers care for him, too. He can drive anyone nuts. Even the caregiver said he can be selfish and ungrateful. My dad seems to believe that if you have a vagina you are here to serve those who don't. I'm flabbergasted since I wasn't raised to be subservient to a man. He has also become vulgar toward one of the caregivers. Luckily, I don't live with my parents. I'm 20 miles from them, but since I'm an only child, it's all on me no matter how far or near I am. I'm tired and angry. Fourteen years of doctors, worry, and caregiving has taken its toll on me. I was counting on my dad remaining lucid and not going down that same path my mother did. When I can't take it, I just walk out and tell him I'll see him later. It's the better option to punching him, which is what I really feel like doing lately. In reality, it's the situation I want to punch. I can't take much more of this.
Speaking as a former caregiver for my parents, I'd just like to add one thing to this already interesting thread.
As one poster mentioned that they didn't envision them self being in a position where they would have to call someone to help with tasks they could do previously. That's the thing. No one truly understands what it's like to be too old to do things that once came easy.
At some point in our life, we will all need help ... that is if we live long enough. All my friends took care of either their mother, their father or one friend took care of both of them. After her father died, she continued taking care of her mother until she passed away.
It's not easy healing old wounds that our parents caused. It takes a lot of forgiveness and patience. I empathize with every single person out there who is caring for an aging parent. I understand. Really. What I will advise for anyone who has had an ongoing relationship with your parent(s) for years and is now considering walking away because they are requiring more care ... don't do it. You will never forget it and you'll never get the chance to make it right.
I have a much older brother in another state. He'll be 82 soon and he lost his wife three years ago. His wife happily did everything for him, although she realized decades later that it was a mistake, because she saw that he lacked self-reliancy. So, suddenly she's gone one day and he's left alone in shock. His grief gets worse and this concerns me.
He is incredibly healthy ~ much healthier than I am. And he's always been an extrovert, so he has a LOT of friends, which is good. He does not cook so he's invited over for dinner at various places all the time (he eats out or heats up a can of soup otherwise). But I've a sneaky suspicion that he's wearing on their patience, too. Hell, I live 900+ miles away, and my patience gets worn out because we can't have a conversation without him expressing his anguish about being lonely, and I'm way past the point of knowing what to say to him.
I am slated to inherit the property when he's gone (it's a farm). I tried to help us all out by proposing a plan to build a house on there now and he just isn't interested. Which baffles us. He wishes we were there, and is lonely, but rejected my idea to make a home there now, which would have been good for him. I do not understand it. And this may have something to do with the resentment I am battling. So, okay, it'll have to wait. But there may come the day when he can't drive anymore (he drives fine right now), or he may develop a surprising debilitating illness, and then what?
There's another brother 17 miles from him, who is younger but with one foot in the grave (a walking miracle, as far as I'm concerned), and he can't do much to help out the other. But that one at least has a bunch of kids and grandkids in his life (the older brother has no children).
It's tough. All of us on this thread have a mixture of feelings about their elder parents and, regardless of their childhood relationships with them, everyone is still faced with the same shock later, and that's the demanding energies of watching them slowly lose their dignity. That's what I'm experiencing with my brother.
Speaking as a former caregiver for my parents, I'd just like to add one thing to this already interesting thread.
As one poster mentioned that they didn't envision them self being in a position where they would have to call someone to help with tasks they could do previously. That's the thing. No one truly understands what it's like to be too old to do things that once came easy.
At some point in our life, we will all need help ... that is if we live long enough. All my friends took care of either their mother, their father or one friend took care of both of them. After her father died, she continued taking care of her mother until she passed away.
It's not easy healing old wounds that our parents caused. It takes a lot of forgiveness and patience. I empathize with every single person out there who is caring for an aging parent. I understand. Really. What I will advise for anyone who has had an ongoing relationship with your parent(s) for years and is now considering walking away because they are requiring more care ... don't do it. You will never forget it and you'll never get the chance to make it right.
I appreciate your thoughts. You're right, it does sometimes take a LOT of forgiveness. I've been back and forth with my Dad and our relationship numerous times. I consider myself to be the most forgiving of his 4 children. I'm pretty patient, but he pushes even my button's sometimes. I agree that if we can continue in their lives we should. But we also need to keep in mind that every circumstance is different and sadly, sometimes parents do things to their children that are unforgivable. We all have to decide for ourselves whether or not it is time to walk away permanently.
For me, I'm not there yet. I hope I don't get there. But having experienced the things that I have, I completely understand that some folks have it way worse than I do and that sometimes it is best for everyone involved to stay away.
I appreciate your thoughts. You're right, it does sometimes take a LOT of forgiveness. I've been back and forth with my Dad and our relationship numerous times. I consider myself to be the most forgiving of his 4 children. I'm pretty patient, but he pushes even my button's sometimes. I agree that if we can continue in their lives we should. But we also need to keep in mind that every circumstance is different and sadly, sometimes parents do things to their children that are unforgivable. We all have to decide for ourselves whether or not it is time to walk away permanently.
For me, I'm not there yet. I hope I don't get there. But having experienced the things that I have, I completely understand that some folks have it way worse than I do and that sometimes it is best for everyone involved to stay away.
Growing up with my father was a hellish experience and by all reports I seem to have been the acknowledged target of a great deal of his anger and abuse out of a family of 7 siblings and two step-children. I spent many years cranking my brain trying to figure out how any one Human Being could be so abusive and just---well---mean-spirited. He just acted crazy...... which ironicly turned out to be the key word.
Just after he turned 60 and retired he developed the tremors that his doctor confirmed was the on-set of Parkinson's and by a very odd twist of Fate I wound-up being my father's care-giver as all the other kids backed-away. I mention this because as my father's dementia took hold of him I sought-out his doctor for guidance on how and where to place my dad. The doctor commented that it was amazing that my father had stayed as independent as he had for as long as he had as the doctor had identified him as Mentally unstable years before Parkinsons ever came into the picture. The impact on me was really strange..... one of those "ah-ha moments" that suddenly made sense of what had been a lifetime of ---well---"crazy" behavior.
There is one little PS to the story. My dad wrestled with Parkisons until his 73 year. By then I'm not even sure he knew if I was there or not when I went to visit. His eyes always had that glassy, distant stare and his responses to anything I said were a kind of mechanical nod...... until the last time I saw him. He was in bed and I was getting ready to leave and said goodbye and " I Love You". For just the briefest seconds he focused clearly on me and said.. "I love you too". He developed a pneumonia and died a few days later....having left me with that memory.
My Dad has an atypical form of Parkinson's. He hasn't had tremors much, but he has most of the other symptoms. I am touched by your story. It think a lot of people hope for that type of moment from their parents.
I have been fortunate to have a few moments where he's shown a more caring and appreciative side. Unfortunately those moments are very short lives and his mean streaks can be almost unbearable.
I am glad for you, that you did have that moment before your father passed.
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