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Good Morning cyn and friends. I got up later than usually and have been trying to catch up with myself all morning. BUT......"The hurrierder I go the behinder I get".
I do have the dogs walked and fed, my DP "coffeed and out the door for tennis, the morning dishes washed.....and now stopping by to wish you a good day. I am beginning to see the light.
Good morning!
Received a disturbing call this morning...my DH's younger brother passed away March 16th in CA--this is the first we have heard about it. They were not close or in touch lately after we moved to NC but it still hurts. They said he died from spinal cancer.
Last night I got a call from a girlfriend in CA that use to be my kids nanny when I went back to work--she is like a little sister to me. I was so happy to hear from her--it's been over a year....not sure why but it seems like friends are afraid to call us now that my DH has ALS--like they don't know what to say. It makes me feel badly and I miss them so much. So this is a very emotional day for us here....
Condolences on the death of your brother-in-law and DH's brother. Even tho they haven't been close......it is a loss and accentuated by the distance in relationship and miles.
cyn I understand what you mean about people being afraid to call ..... many people are uncomfortable and avoid being up close and personal with death, illness or tragedy. I think it has to do with feelings of "inadequacy"....eg. I don't know what to say or there is nothing I can do to make it better.
People often assume a responsibility to know the perfect thing to say or do.....and lacking that...they avoid that which makes them uncomfortable. It is sad....because often just being there is all that is needed or expected.
Received a disturbing call this morning...my DH's younger brother passed away March 16th in CA--this is the first we have heard about it. They were not close or in touch lately after we moved to NC but it still hurts. They said he died from spinal cancer.
Last night I got a call from a girlfriend in CA that use to be my kids nanny when I went back to work--she is like a little sister to me. I was so happy to hear from her--it's been over a year....not sure why but it seems like friends are afraid to call us now that my DH has ALS--like they don't know what to say. It makes me feel badly and I miss them so much. So this is a very emotional day for us here....
Cyn, I'm so sorry to read about your BIL. Sad news indeed.
I hear you about people not calling. I haven't heard from a lot of people this past year, especially "friends" we have here. They just vanished into thin air. Some people are afraid of disease and would rather not hear from people, at least directly. I can understand it, but an email now and then would have been appreciated in this time of need.
I feel like my DH and myself have become "better out of sight out of mind" type people to what I thought were our friends--especially our newer friends as you mentioned Sudcaro--here in NC. I am so sensitive and now so is my DH that it really is hurtful but as elston said there isn't much anyone can do or say. As far as my brother in laws death, it does hurt...even though they were not as close these last few years it still is family. Anyhow--I keep reminding myself that God will not give us more then we can handle-----I am so counting on that!
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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Originally Posted by cynwldkat
I feel like my DH and myself have become "better out of sight out of mind" type people to what I thought were our friends--...--I keep reminding myself that God will not give us more then we can handle-----I am so counting on that!
Sorry to hear of the additional loss in your family, Yes, tough times come and thus it is good to stay on decent terms where possible (not always possible, but it IS possible for YOU to resolve YOUR barriers to tough family relationships. Some folks are unapproachable, so just work out as best possible for YOUR peace, and ALWAYS set the captive free (whether you or the 'offender')). Bitterness is called a ROOT, because it can run so DEEP.
RE: out-of-sight... Do NOT take it personally (nor allow it to be part of your thought / conversation), many people are uncomfortable and don't know how to respond to terminal and difficult health issues, especially NEW friends. Stay engaged with your ALS group and any local grief / healing folks that will embrace your needs in this situation. If you cannot find someone / group, then get in touch with Hospice. THEY are used to dealing with this and can befriend you BEFORE you need them. There are plenty of nuturing people, you may need to seek them out, BUT don't think that your previous or new friends are no longer friends, they are just not responding as you expect. People respond VERY differently to health situations, (in and OUT of the family). I have seen some pretty bizarre responses, so nothing surprises me, when it comes to mankind and social response to stress.
From an outsider's point of view, yes, I believe Elston is right. People don't know what to say. What can we say? We understand? We don't. That we can do something about it? We can't. What do we say?
Let's get real honest here...this is how many people feel:
If I call up, I will feel bad, will say I'm sorry, will offer condolences on such a trying time....but then what? I can't keep calling to say, "I'm so sorry". But if I share anything, it will seem so trivial compared to what they are going through. I can't share my happy times when they are suffering. I can't talk about my kid's recital that went well or that their baseball team won a game last night or that my oldest got on the honor roll...they are going through a horrible time and it just isn't right to "throw that in their face" that we are not going through that. So, what do I say after, "I'm so, so sorry"?
Sometimes we read things from people who have lost loved ones and in their grief, frustration, anger, whatever emotion they are going through, they talk about how "the rest of us", said the wrong things. "How could they say they know or they understand! They don't know!"
People are afraid to say anything because they don't know what is right and what is wrong. Will sharing a good day they had make you more sad? They don't want to do that! Will talking about the disease make you more sad? They don't want to do that! Will they say something wrong and upset you? They don't want to do that!
What you can do, cyn, is call them. Let them know it's ok to talk about anything and everything. You are not saying, "Oh just act like my husband doesn't have this disease", you are saying, "I still need to hear from you, hear how things are going. We are friends. You don't have to stop enjoying life just because we are going through this. I WANT to hear about your day. I WANT to hear something silly from you. I WANT you to share that recipe with me or that triumph you had. You got a promotion? Tell me! You got in to that school you were trying to get in to? Tell me! You had car problems? TELL ME!"
Let them know it's ok to talk about their every day lives. They may fumble around at first but if you let them know it's OK to talk to you how they always talked to you, they will relax and hopefully you'll hear from them more often.
Yes, you have a lot going on but if you can make one phone call a day and just start talking about every day things, they will relax and talk to you more. Don't be upset or take it personally....they just really, really do not know what to say.
I tried to express that in my very first post to you. I decided to take the humor route because everyone can use a good laugh no matter what is going on. Laughter is the best medicine, they say. (Who ever "they" are.) It was easier for me because I don't know you like your friends know you. I don't have a long history with you. But even then, there are times when I wonder....does she think I'm forgetting or blowing it all off? I'm not. As stated, I read every word you write. I do feel for you and your husband. I can't imagine how devastating this can feel at times.
BUT, what keeps me going is seeing how other people post. They talk to you, they share their every day things, they talk as they would always talk to you. That made ME more comfortable.
So, tell them, cyn. Tell them it's ok.
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They were not close or in touch lately after we moved to NC but it still hurts. They said he died from spinal cancer.
