What should I do about my mother? (child, adult, father)
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One of the things I've been in therapy about is my mom. I worry about her a lot because she seems to have more issues going on than the average person, and I am starting to feel like I need to step in and sort things through for her.
Here are the things that worry me:
1. She lost her job earlier this year. She works in a small town and was making $10/hour at a plant. She hated her job but at least she was able to pay most of her bills. Now she's behind on her mortgage (which is only $210 a month) and had to borrow $2k from my grandfather to get caught up.
2. She only has a high school diploma, no other skills. She's also got a few personality disorders going on...she's had a rough childhood and is pretty antisocial. Doesn't get along with most people too well. Is not open to learning/doesn't think she can learn new things. Is moderately depressed. Was diagnosed as bipolar many years ago but I suspect she's not for reaons I won't get into (would make this too long).
3. She can't afford her house. She doesn't have running water. This is a long story, but she hasn't had running water for like going on 10 years now. It's unsanitary. She's hoarding. I don't know what "level" of a hoarder she is, but imagine a house that never has the lights on, no stove, no running water, no microwave, with every room packed to the max with useless 'stuff'.
4. She is extremely difficult to talk to. She rambles a lot...talks in circles. Basically, if you wanted to get an answer to a question for her, it's no easy task. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. We've been trying to ask her for years what she owes on her house...she 'dances around the topic'...so I'm not sure if she refuses to find out, just doesn't want us to know...or both. It makes helping her out very very hard.
I thought she was good with money but I am questioning that now. I 'thought' she was good with it because she raised myself and my brother for the most part by herself...which is no easy task for a single mom with her low income. But after she recently came to visit with me for a month, I found otherwise. As an example, she hid "gifts" she'd been buying me during her stay without my knowledge in my apartment. After she left I was finding these little gifts everywhere, which is thoughtful, but to me irrational because she's unemployed. I mean, I loaned her $400 during the month of October while she visited me, and that was right after she borrowed the $2k from her dad. My brother has sent her several thousand dollars this year. I've sent maybe a little over a grand. As another example while visiting me, she would go to the convenience store to buy things like tea. Instead of going to the grocery store and getting a gallon for $2, she'd buy three 12 oz teas at $1.99/each from 7 eleven. Seems very wasteful for someone without a job. I'm beginning to think she's just not thinking...or caring.
I recently found out she hadn't even been filing for her unemployment. The whole time she visited me, she didn't file. So she didn't get any money for like 6 weeks. I couldn't believe it...she didn't even really have a good reason for not doing so...I mean, who loses a job, is eligible for unemployment and stops filing for it??
My mother's living condition is to the point where I can't really visit her during the holidays because I'll get too depressed myself. I don't see her getting another job any time soon, and if she does, it won't be enough to cover the bills, as she was barely making it before. I am beginning to wonder if I need to take some serious action in order to save myself from future distress (I worry about something happening to her and having to deal with the house issue...which I simply cannot). But I don't know where to start with her.
I wonder....
-Do I try to get her to 'let the house go' since she's under and it's not in a liveable condition?
-Do I suggest she move in with her dad? With myself?
-Is there any type of free counseling anyone knows of I can get her so she can start dealing with her issues instead of avoiding them? I am starting to get anxious that one day all of this is going to come down on me. I had a talk with my grandfather about it, and he said that that's basically what it will come down to....that my mother is "a ticking time bomb...and that he wasn't going to be around when it all exploded, and that he wished me the best of luck in dealing with her." I feel my chest tightening and I swear my blood pressure is going up as I'm writing this. I don't want to be in a situation that "explodes" and I have to clean up the mess...I want to take action now but...I don't know what to do....?
So from what I see on TV watching Hoarders and Hoarders Buried Alive...the county will not permit her to stay there like that. You have to have water for the toilet at least. And the hoarders on TV will NOT get counseling so I'd forget that idea. Even when they have 24 hours to go before getting evicted, with tons of trucks and manpower there to help, they refuse.
How is she going to the bathroom? Most of them resort to buckets and other disgusting collections of things like grocery bags. Or they go out.
You should go watch those shows - one's on A&E "Hoarders" and I the other one is on TLC Hoarders Buried Alive. So you get the comparison and get the point that she's possibly "hopeless". Some of the people finally accept help but it's a big mess getting there. Huge interventions and drama and they don't agree to anything until the eleventh hour before losing the house. Temper tantrums, acting out and just being entirely disagreeable or even lazy. Laying in the middle of a giant trash dump of a living room letting everyone else clean up. One lady was totally surrounded by thousands of diabetic needles USED all over the floor. Those shows are just UNBELIEVABLE. I would say one out of 7 actually "change" but you can't see if it's permanent.
THEN after they remove all the garbage the house is so demolished from the weight and mold etc, it's a tear down or the people walk away anyway.
The shows are online on the TV's site you can stream them on your computer. YOu can see how the psychologists and clean out specialists talk to the people etc. Half the time it seems the people aren't really "hoarding" but just slobs. It's hard to watch.
If she's underwater what's the point? If she's not and has equity, I would pay her taxes directly. You can probably see online if they're delinquent. Same with the mortgage to buy time. Instead of wasting that money on "tea". She is mentally ill and if she cannot face it she's going to get the "time bomb" effect eventually like her father says.
I'm the type of person to take action no matter what, so consider the source. I'd be going to the county and finding out what they will do if they go there and find this mess. LIke how long she has to clean it up. They usually work with the people and come back a couple of times expecting to see progress.
It's unlikely she'll cooperate so she'll have to move. Then be prepared for her to start the same behaviors at your house or her dad's. They don't necessarily go away, depending on the person.
UGH, I hope you can get the stamina to see this through or make sense to her. But once you call the county there's probably no turning back. And she's unlikely to have the funds to even do the cleanout, right? And the repairs. etc.
There's also the question of whether the courts will consider her a danger to herself or others and give her an involuntary commitment. They are temporary like, 72 hours. SOME TIMES they send the offender to jail if they just flat out REFUSE TO COOPERATE and live in a dangerous dwelling or eye sore in the neighborhood. But not usually.
I would go to Adult Protective Services for that aspect. They may even have the answers about the house and the hoarding deal.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 12-02-2013 at 08:16 PM..
She sounds like she *might* qualify for disability, but she would probably need to be seeing a psychiatrist and be properly diagnosed and taking medications. To get disability, though, she needs to have a history of psychological and/or physical problems. She needs a paper trail.
It is a very hard process, though, about 70% get rejected. She does sound like a hoarder, but she also sounds like she has very serious psychological issues.
She may also have the beginnings of dementia. She's only 54, right? So most people don't think about dementia, but my mother had a cousin who started showing signs of dementia in her 40s!!!
She sounds like she *might* qualify for disability, but she would probably need to be seeing a psychiatrist and be properly diagnosed and taking medications. To get disability, though, she needs to have a history of psychological and/or physical problems. She needs a paper trail.
It is a very hard process, though, about 70% get rejected. She does sound like a hoarder, but she also sounds like she has very serious psychological issues.
She may also have the beginnings of dementia. She's only 54, right? So most people don't think about dementia, but my mother had a cousin who started showing signs of dementia in her 40s!!!
Since her mental problems seem to be longstanding, its probably more likely that the mental issues you see now (mumbling, denial, difficulties making good decisions, etc..) are part of the longstanding problems. You mentioned she'd been diagnosed as bipolar, but for some reason you doubt that.
If she is bipolar and not medicated, that's certainly going to have an affect on her behavior.
As far as her not filing for unemployment, and not making wise purchasing decisions... filing for unemployment takes effort and may be intimidating for some (especially if she hasn't done so before, or hasn't in a long time). Similarly - yes, most people with resources realize that shopping at a grocery is more cost effective than shopping at a convenience store. However, convenience stores are just that - convenient, and many people (especially very low income people) shop in them all the time.
Your mother has only a HS diploma and multiple personality disorders (according to you) - so shopping at a bodega instead of a supermarket is really pretty low on the list of things to be concerned about.
As others suggest, I would try to get her disability (certainly make sure she gets whatever unemployment she's eligible for in the meantime). If her mental health issues are as severe as you suggest, she may not ever find another job and disability could be the difference between survival and homelessness.
as far as her home - you might be able to get it condemned, but then she's living with your or your grandfather (or homeless), so that doesn't help you very far.
I would work on getting her income so that she can keep the place she's currently living (or afford an alternative). I would work on mental health assistance concurrently with the disability application. True HOARDING is a symptom of several mental disorders (variants of OCD) and it could be that the hoarding is lessened if the mental disorders are brought under control.
From you post it appears she did file for unemployment at one time but didn't follow through with the subsequent weeks she needed to?
From what I remember, you can often just initiate unemployment online without going anywhere. Then, you have to keep filing weekly or biweekly or something thereafter.
You could do this for her online if that's an option in her state. They just make electronic deposits into her bank. She has a bank account, right?
As far as the "gifts" in your apartment go? That's the hoarding, she's spreading out. Some of them even pay for storage units to overflow into.
I assume she doesn't attend church? You mentioned praying it away, so if she believes this, a church effort may help if you can get the pastor and congregants to go "help" her. But I'm guessing she doesn't have a relationship with any church so that's probably not a helpful idea.
The fact that she's been living that difficult life with NO WATER etc. for 10 years tells me she is the very hard core case like on those TV shows, and I would jump immediately to Adult Protective Services if you're willing to follow through. Otherwise, it may just be better for you to manage her money, if you can get control somehow, so she doesn't starve until something "happens'.
Is she RESISTANT to you "helping" in any way? You could try and get her to put YOU on her bank accounts so you can move her money around safely to a "hidden" savings account and just make transfers online weekly or something. You could also create an online bank account I think. I saw that once in passing and was surprised you could do that. Then have her unemployment and other monies go in THERE.
Of course, this is only temporary since unemployment is finite.
Yes, you will get stuck with the cleanout of the house. But there are people who buy teardowns who will just do it, you won't have to do it personally. That's assuming there's a house left with any market value to even be sold. Like if she lets her taxes lapse and the property gets sold - there are people who buy houses at tax sales like that. OR you'll have to just pay a professional company to come haul the entire interior away. If nobody does that (and she's not living there anymore) then the county is stuck with at least the outside getting "cleaned up". That happened to a client I have, the next door house was abandoned and the county sent a crew to remove all the overgrown landscaping and crap.
I forgot to say people with dementia or mental illness often are dehydrated - forget to drink water - and that makes them completely irrational on top of their other problems. You can see them appearing to be completely delusional/irate/combative much worse than "yesterday' and after they get hydrated they go back to "yesterday" mindset. And they get urinary tract infections. So there's that element, that's working against her. Not going to work was probably the beginning of a downward spiral whether she has early stage dementia or not. My guess is in her 50's that it's not typical dementia but if she has a history of substance/alcohol abuse she may have neurological damage, too. Until you could get her actually evaluated, that's something you just have to RULE IN. They'd have to do brain imaging to see if she has that condition.
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I'd be going to the county and finding out what they will do if they go there and find this mess. LIke how long she has to clean it up. They usually work with the people and come back a couple of times expecting to see progress.
