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I guess my dad has shielded us kids and this weekend on a trip to see family in NJ it was a major wake up call.
On this trip, my mom asked me if I had more then two children, when she cared for them while I worked all though school and should know I only had two. Her cousin that came for the visit we called her her nick name that she has had all her life and she asked who is this "teresita you all are talking about" which my mom's cousin looking at her said "it's me your cousin." The last example of the weekend was that in conversation she mentioned that three of her kids lived in Miami, but one lived in NJ. My brother lives in Melbourne Florida.
My mom is 79 and other then balance issues in one leg she is healthy although we made appointment to check her for dementia since little things are happening. But it seems this trip and seeing a group of family and seeing her mother and sisters has made it a lot worse which became our wake up call. To top it off since it scared everyone, me and my sister were told information about the past that just was NEVER talked about.
A group of family members from Miami wanted to visit my still mentally sharp grandmother who is 105 in NJ. On this trip we discovered a lot of background family information since my mom's sister and grandmother's sister are in memory assisted living facility. Long story short my mom and her two sisters and were severely physically and mentally abused by my grandfather back in Cuba. My aunt is now regressing to her youth and teenage years and is going through a lot of reliving of the abuse and my poor cousin is now understanding a lot of why her mother raised her a certain way which was mentally abusive.
My mother for the last year has stopping being her self and tip toes around my dad, stopped doing things that she loved like listening to Gospel music and has isolated herself from the few freinds she had and refuses to go anywhere. My dad has always been a loving, supporting husband and father and he was baffled at first of her odd behavior and would tell me and my siblings " BUT I want her to have her friends, I want her to listen to her music, I have no idea WHY she thinks I would get mad about these things." My sister and me have come to realize that her dementia is beginning to look a lot like what her sister began with and we worry that my Mom might be confusing my Dad for her Deceased abusive father my grandfather. Sadly I only knew my grandfather as a sweet man that I loved.
I am feeling very overwhelmed not only with the very scary reality that I might be losing my mom but also dealing really aweful confirmed truth from my remaining aunt, Cousin and even Grandmother that all this horrible abuse ( bone breaking abuse) did happen.
My Dad is 75 and is her full caretaker for right now since we all work and so far she hasn't been that hard to take care of but I am worried for him.
Dad is having me and my sister go with him for her evaluation appointment and I am researching support groups for him and us.
Dementia is bad enough but dealing with child abuse along with it I don't know where to begin. Any care takers here ever dealt with this?
My dad went through a stage where details in his past were much fresher in his mind than the things that were going on around him. And then that stage passed and he doesn't remember any of those things anymore. Your mom may go through something like that, which would mean eventually those bad memories would be gone.
For now, getting your mom the evaluation is important, and getting a caregiver to come in for a few hours a couple of days a week so your dad can have a break would also be a good idea. It would be easier to get that started while your mom is still somewhat herself, so that if later on new things scare her, she'll already be used to having a little help around the house.
My dad went through a stage where details in his past were much fresher in his mind than the things that were going on around him. And then that stage passed and he doesn't remember any of those things anymore. Your mom may go through something like that, which would mean eventually those bad memories would be gone.
For now, getting your mom the evaluation is important, and getting a caregiver to come in for a few hours a couple of days a week so your dad can have a break would also be a good idea. It would be easier to get that started while your mom is still somewhat herself, so that if later on new things scare her, she'll already be used to having a little help around the house.
Thank you, I want the routine to begin now where I can manage, since I work from home to be there and she trust the care giver. I just have to be in the right set of mind to go through this.
I am just beginning this and it is a overwhelming feeling and so many emotions And trying to do right for them.
OP hang in there. I have to tell you that it's probably going to be a rough ride, but keep your faith solid and just keep in mind that karma comes into play as well. Just treat your mom like you would like to be treated and have faith.
I wish I could give you more but I really can't.
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