How did the holidays go? (parent, father, relative, babysitting)
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Mine went pretty smooth. Dad loved the meal and seemed to be quite happy reading his magazine in front of the Netflix Yule Log with Christmas carols blasting on my computer. He played with my dogs and was very concerned with keeping the kitten out of the cheese plate. I spent time with my friends and brought him cookies and chatted with him at intervals. He was upbeat and thanked me for a wonderful evening when I brought him back to his memory care facility. I'm relieved it went so well, frankly.
But I know it didn't go great for everyone - the dementia group I belong to on facebook had some pretty epic horror stories. I got lucky this year.
Well, I got home an hour ago and am rejoicing as it is finally over for another year. Between the two mothers over ninety, my two daughters who have two kids each and our brothers and family, it is a marathon.
However I have to say it went as well as could be expected. In Australia of course it is summer and Christmas coincides with the end of the school year and the start of the main summer holidays. I ended up minding grandkids on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday as daycare and school was closed. Thursday I had to spend all day gift shopping, not just for us but it get the job of organising gifts from the mothers for the family as well as chocolates etc for the nursing homes' staff. Friday was food shopping, Saturday seemed to disappear with left over shopping of both types. We did do some online shopping but 90% of shopping is still done here in the old fashioned way.
Christmas Eve was pleasant in that just the two of us went to mother-in-law's facility and joined her for lunch. Downside is that it is on the other side of Sydney an hour away. She went to my husband's brother on Christmas Day, who lives much closer.
Christmas Day I had the daughters and their families as well as parents and brother of son-in-law. Even with everyone helping it was really hectic and too windy and cool for the kids to swim in the pool. Brother and wife came in the afternoon after seeing mother.
Boxing Day yesterday it wa s time to deal with my mother with severe dementia, who is too immobile to be taken out of her facility. She wasn't too bad, said as we arrived that here was her sister come to visit. Then we found she had lost a hearing aide AGAIN. Never mind, she seemed pleased with her gifts, chatted about her supposed visit to her grandparents during the week and said that her hotel seems very nice. (I think a couple of the new staff are wonderful with her) Really that is as well as we can expect with her.
Today back to the other side of the city to the function room at mother-in-law's place. Mamma is very frail physically but pretty good mentally for 94. We all bought leftovers etc but it was still non-stop.
Good news was the the RN rang me to say that they had found Mum's hearing aide and have strategies in place to deal with her new problem of her habit of pulling out her dentures, wrapping them in tissues and placing them on her plate at mealtime.
So my kids are joining the trek out of the city on Saturday for a week down the coast, I am free of babysitting and elder visiting for a few days and we are looking forward to catching up with a few friends who have been similarly submerged in family duties.
I like reading these stories. Thanks to everyone for sharing them.
Our holidays went very well for the most part. My husband was home for Christmas week (that's not a given - he's worked as many Christmases as he's been gone over the course of our marriage), and my oldest daughter and her four kids drove down from Ohio to spend Christmas here with us. Her husband is deployed but we got to do a lot of Face Time with him. But since he missed TGiving and now Christmas, we felt it was good for the kids to spend Christmas with their grandparents. It sure was good for us!
I did weeks of preparation decorating the house, with four kids in mind (I always used to love every single decoration that my grandmother would put out), making sure the guest rooms and guest bath were stocked, as well as the pantry and fridge! I really pulled out all the stops decorating wise, and then my husband came home a few days before they got here, and off we went Christmas shopping!
The kids were just fantastic. Not a single issue with any of them (ages 9 through 15). They were very well behaved but naturally rambunctious. So the house was very loud for awhile and now it's very, very quiet. (They just pulled out of the driveway about 20 minutes ago.)
We had tons of food and goodies and then of course the big Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. And it was wonderful to spend time with my oldest daughter, who I not only love but I also really like.
We went to see Mom several times at her memory care center and we also took her out for one long afternoon for lunch. The kids practiced their musical instruments and did a nice recital there for her and for the other residents and everyone enjoyed it.
After much debating, we decided not to go get Mom for Christmas Day. For starters, she seems to be delusional much of the time - picking at things, scraping her cane along the floor as she sits, pointing at the ceiling, etc. She seems to have a hard time switching from wherever she is in her head to "the real world." This seems to stress her out, and I know it stresses the kids out. Also, she gets over stimulated easily - as she got when we went to lunch with her.
There are also issues now with incontinence (both, errrr, types of it) and she also tends to randomly go into a bathroom and then come out stripped down. I honestly didn't think the kids needed to see that sort of thing.
She needs constant, constant supervision because she throws things away, finds knives and scissors and cuts things up, that sort of thing. But it was hard not to bring her home to let her visit with people, because she also has moments of clarity when she remembers who everyone is and her face brightens and she enjoys the conversation with them.
She LOVED the music recital - in fact, the kids played the piano for her every time we visited her. This last time (yesterday) she began crying whenever one of them would start playing the piano. This broke my heart because I felt like she was realizing who they were and that she was awash with emotions that she can't sort out. The losses she has experienced over the past couple of years are staggering. It's times like this that I thank God for her dementia, because I don't think she can remember - and then feel - everything she's lost and where she is today, for more than a few fleeting moments. But it's heartbreaking for me to think about.
I am also grateful that my dad never saw her in this state. Wow, her dementia has increased dramatically over the past three or four months. I think her refusal to take the meds and thus being on and then off and then on them again really contributed to her overall decline, but now the simple fact of the matter is that she has gone from mental health issues with a touch of dementia, to full blown dementia coupled with mental health issues. Otherwise her health is fairly good, but she's definitely way too thin, and she's so unsteady on her feet that it's alarming. She will not use a walker though and I don't think sitting in a wheelchair all day would be good for her either. It's just a tough call to make.
The focus just has to be on keeping her safe and as contented as possible. Thankfully she does seem content most of the time. I guess she could live for years in this state.
It was upsetting to the kids and my daughter to see her this way - especially yesterday when she started crying. But it is the course of life in general, and they are all emotionally strong and stable kids. To be honest, I didn't mind sharing what I deal with all the time, with other family members. I'm not sure they believe me till they see it with their own eyes.
For instance, my mentally ill brother - he can't seem to grasp that MOM IS NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER. And he really has no clue - though I tell him about things all the time - just how difficult it is to take her anywhere, or even to spend any significant time with her, though I visit her several times a week. I sent him pictures of Christmas morning with the kids, and he sent back this text, "Where is Mom?" I sent him back this: "We have gone to see her several times in the past few days. We took her out to eat. We went Christmas shopping for her, and then brought Christmas presents to her and let the kids unwrap their presents from her with her. We put on a recital with several musical instruments for her and for the other residents. Have you called Mom to wish her a Merry Christmas?"
No answer. Yeah, I didn't think so. He did text me later to talk about his diet plan.
Well, I got home an hour ago and am rejoicing as it is finally over for another year. Between the two mothers over ninety, my two daughters who have two kids each and our brothers and family, it is a marathon.
However I have to say it went as well as could be expected. In Australia of course it is summer and Christmas coincides with the end of the school year and the start of the main summer holidays. I ended up minding grandkids on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday as daycare and school was closed. Thursday I had to spend all day gift shopping, not just for us but it get the job of organising gifts from the mothers for the family as well as chocolates etc for the nursing homes' staff. Friday was food shopping, Saturday seemed to disappear with left over shopping of both types. We did do some online shopping but 90% of shopping is still done here in the old fashioned way.
Christmas Eve was pleasant in that just the two of us went to mother-in-law's facility and joined her for lunch. Downside is that it is on the other side of Sydney an hour away. She went to my husband's brother on Christmas Day, who lives much closer.
Christmas Day I had the daughters and their families as well as parents and brother of son-in-law. Even with everyone helping it was really hectic and too windy and cool for the kids to swim in the pool. Brother and wife came in the afternoon after seeing mother.
Boxing Day yesterday it wa s time to deal with my mother with severe dementia, who is too immobile to be taken out of her facility. She wasn't too bad, said as we arrived that here was her sister come to visit. Then we found she had lost a hearing aide AGAIN. Never mind, she seemed pleased with her gifts, chatted about her supposed visit to her grandparents during the week and said that her hotel seems very nice. (I think a couple of the new staff are wonderful with her) Really that is as well as we can expect with her.
Today back to the other side of the city to the function room at mother-in-law's place. Mamma is very frail physically but pretty good mentally for 94. We all bought leftovers etc but it was still non-stop.
Good news was the the RN rang me to say that they had found Mum's hearing aide and have strategies in place to deal with her new problem of her habit of pulling out her dentures, wrapping them in tissues and placing them on her plate at mealtime.
So my kids are joining the trek out of the city on Saturday for a week down the coast, I am free of babysitting and elder visiting for a few days and we are looking forward to catching up with a few friends who have been similarly submerged in family duties.
It sounds like it was chaotic but overall pretty lovely! So good to hear!
I like reading these stories. Thanks to everyone for sharing them.
Our holidays went very well for the most part. My husband was home for Christmas week (that's not a given - he's worked as many Christmases as he's been gone over the course of our marriage), and my oldest daughter and her four kids drove down from Ohio to spend Christmas here with us. Her husband is deployed but we got to do a lot of Face Time with him. But since he missed TGiving and now Christmas, we felt it was good for the kids to spend Christmas with their grandparents. It sure was good for us!
I did weeks of preparation decorating the house, with four kids in mind (I always used to love every single decoration that my grandmother would put out), making sure the guest rooms and guest bath were stocked, as well as the pantry and fridge! I really pulled out all the stops decorating wise, and then my husband came home a few days before they got here, and off we went Christmas shopping!
The kids were just fantastic. Not a single issue with any of them (ages 9 through 15). They were very well behaved but naturally rambunctious. So the house was very loud for awhile and now it's very, very quiet. (They just pulled out of the driveway about 20 minutes ago.)
We had tons of food and goodies and then of course the big Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. And it was wonderful to spend time with my oldest daughter, who I not only love but I also really like.
We went to see Mom several times at her memory care center and we also took her out for one long afternoon for lunch. The kids practiced their musical instruments and did a nice recital there for her and for the other residents and everyone enjoyed it.
After much debating, we decided not to go get Mom for Christmas Day. For starters, she seems to be delusional much of the time - picking at things, scraping her cane along the floor as she sits, pointing at the ceiling, etc. She seems to have a hard time switching from wherever she is in her head to "the real world." This seems to stress her out, and I know it stresses the kids out. Also, she gets over stimulated easily - as she got when we went to lunch with her.
There are also issues now with incontinence (both, errrr, types of it) and she also tends to randomly go into a bathroom and then come out stripped down. I honestly didn't think the kids needed to see that sort of thing.
She needs constant, constant supervision because she throws things away, finds knives and scissors and cuts things up, that sort of thing. But it was hard not to bring her home to let her visit with people, because she also has moments of clarity when she remembers who everyone is and her face brightens and she enjoys the conversation with them.
She LOVED the music recital - in fact, the kids played the piano for her every time we visited her. This last time (yesterday) she began crying whenever one of them would start playing the piano. This broke my heart because I felt like she was realizing who they were and that she was awash with emotions that she can't sort out. The losses she has experienced over the past couple of years are staggering. It's times like this that I thank God for her dementia, because I don't think she can remember - and then feel - everything she's lost and where she is today, for more than a few fleeting moments. But it's heartbreaking for me to think about.
I am also grateful that my dad never saw her in this state. Wow, her dementia has increased dramatically over the past three or four months. I think her refusal to take the meds and thus being on and then off and then on them again really contributed to her overall decline, but now the simple fact of the matter is that she has gone from mental health issues with a touch of dementia, to full blown dementia coupled with mental health issues. Otherwise her health is fairly good, but she's definitely way too thin, and she's so unsteady on her feet that it's alarming. She will not use a walker though and I don't think sitting in a wheelchair all day would be good for her either. It's just a tough call to make.
The focus just has to be on keeping her safe and as contented as possible. Thankfully she does seem content most of the time. I guess she could live for years in this state.
It was upsetting to the kids and my daughter to see her this way - especially yesterday when she started crying. But it is the course of life in general, and they are all emotionally strong and stable kids. To be honest, I didn't mind sharing what I deal with all the time, with other family members. I'm not sure they believe me till they see it with their own eyes.
For instance, my mentally ill brother - he can't seem to grasp that MOM IS NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER. And he really has no clue - though I tell him about things all the time - just how difficult it is to take her anywhere, or even to spend any significant time with her, though I visit her several times a week. I sent him pictures of Christmas morning with the kids, and he sent back this text, "Where is Mom?" I sent him back this: "We have gone to see her several times in the past few days. We took her out to eat. We went Christmas shopping for her, and then brought Christmas presents to her and let the kids unwrap their presents from her with her. We put on a recital with several musical instruments for her and for the other residents. Have you called Mom to wish her a Merry Christmas?"
No answer. Yeah, I didn't think so. He did text me later to talk about his diet plan.
It sounds stressful - I"m so sorry. You've had such a rough run of it these past few years! I agree with your decision not to bring her to your place. She's at a point right now where stability is the most important thing. But she COULD see some mild but key improvements now that she's getting her medications steadily. Getting them consistently and at regular times made a huge contribution to my father's improvement, I believe. It just evened him out, but it took several weeks for that to happen. Part of it was the structure the facility provides to his day, but really a lot of it was the way they gave him his meds in a systematic way - I would sometimes forget or give them to him at irregular hours.
I tried to call my 69yo brother for Christmas. He lives alone and has fallen down a few times. Normally he calls to chat every couple days. Finally I reach him and he's been in the hospital 4 days. I call a couple times and he keeps the conversation short like he doesn't want to talk. Than I can't reach him again. I track him down. He's in a nursing home for rehab. Again, very short conversation. I just want it know he's alright and gets what he needs. I'm his closest relative. There's really nobody else to watch out for him. We've been estranged before. He has a distrust of me that makes no sense. I think he trying to keep me out of the loop. I don't think he sounded confused but I haven't visited to better assess his condition. He's got some friend helping him. I'm glad for that, but I don't know who it is. I don't really want to get mixed up in his life, but somebody on the caretaker team should know he has a brother. They won't tell me anything. All I know is he's on oxigen and needs rehab. He's a long term smoker drinker. He's got my number.
It's about 32 miles to where he is. Not a fun winter drive lately. Part of me thinks I should keep my distance.
I tried to call my 69yo brother for Christmas. He lives alone and has fallen down a few times. Normally he calls to chat every couple days. Finally I reach him and he's been in the hospital 4 days. I call a couple times and he keeps the conversation short like he doesn't want to talk. Than I can't reach him again. I track him down. He's in a nursing home for rehab. Again, very short conversation. I just want it know he's alright and gets what he needs. I'm his closest relative. There's really nobody else to watch out for him. We've been estranged before. He has a distrust of me that makes no sense. I think he trying to keep me out of the loop. I don't think he sounded confused but I haven't visited to better assess his condition. He's got some friend helping him. I'm glad for that, but I don't know who it is. I don't really want to get mixed up in his life, but somebody on the caretaker team should know he has a brother. They won't tell me anything. All I know is he's on oxigen and needs rehab. He's a long term smoker drinker. He's got my number.
It's about 32 miles to where he is. Not a fun winter drive lately. Part of me thinks I should keep my distance.
Ugh, this is a tricky situation. I take it he has no wife or kids?
Oddly, my brother being in a nursing home made it a good Christmas for him. He said it wasn't, but it was better than being at home. He told one relative the dinner was good. Ham and apple pie being the two main features he enjoyed. He was clean and cared for and had his powerchair to tool around and socialize. He took advantage of the barber there for a haircut and shave that was badly needed.
Family literally could not have made a better Christmas for him. We physically cannot replicate all that. We were very pleased that he was there.
I tried to call my 69yo brother for Christmas. He lives alone and has fallen down a few times. Normally he calls to chat every couple days. Finally I reach him and he's been in the hospital 4 days. I call a couple times and he keeps the conversation short like he doesn't want to talk. Than I can't reach him again. I track him down. He's in a nursing home for rehab. Again, very short conversation. I just want it know he's alright and gets what he needs. I'm his closest relative. There's really nobody else to watch out for him. We've been estranged before. He has a distrust of me that makes no sense. I think he trying to keep me out of the loop. I don't think he sounded confused but I haven't visited to better assess his condition. He's got some friend helping him. I'm glad for that, but I don't know who it is. I don't really want to get mixed up in his life, but somebody on the caretaker team should know he has a brother. They won't tell me anything. All I know is he's on oxigen and needs rehab. He's a long term smoker drinker. He's got my number.
It's about 32 miles to where he is. Not a fun winter drive lately. Part of me thinks I should keep my distance.
We went. It's not what I thought.
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