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OP back again. Thank you, Roselvr, for the message asking for an update. Not much new to report. Husband asked me if his mother could come visit for a while and even asked her if she in interested. She expressed mild to moderate interest.
I told my husband that I feel like this is a trap- that once she's here, she will get sick (covid or whatever) or be too weak to travel back to her new home. He assured me this isn't the case, but I have doubts.
MIL has been vaccinated for covid, and now husband is mildly pressuring me to travel to go visit with MIL with him on his next trip out there. I told him that I will at some point, but I have no interest right now. Frankly, I feel like I still have a little PTSD, and don't really want to go visit. I might at some point, but not yet.
I still have guilt about how the whole thing went down, but I then remind myself how truly miserable I was that whole year.
OP back again. Thank you, Roselvr, for the message asking for an update. Not much new to report. Husband asked me if his mother could come visit for a while and even asked her if she in interested. She expressed mild to moderate interest.
I told my husband that I feel like this is a trap- that once she's here, she will get sick (covid or whatever) or be too weak to travel back to her new home. He assured me this isn't the case, but I have doubts.
MIL has been vaccinated for covid, and now husband is mildly pressuring me to travel to go visit with MIL with him on his next trip out there. I told him that I will at some point, but I have no interest right now. Frankly, I feel like I still have a little PTSD, and don't really want to go visit. I might at some point, but not yet.
I still have guilt about how the whole thing went down, but I then remind myself how truly miserable I was that whole year.
Thanks for the update. You have no obligation to visit her. She put you through hell in your own home. Sounds like your husband still doesn't understand that. I know it's an uncomfortable conversation to have with him about his mother but he really NEEDS to understand how you felt during that time and how it still makes you feel. You do not trust her and you probably never will. Your guard goes up immediately when it comes to her. He shouldn't force it or try to make you go visit her.
OP back again. Thank you, Roselvr, for the message asking for an update. Not much new to report. Husband asked me if his mother could come visit for a while and even asked her if she in interested. She expressed mild to moderate interest.
I told my husband that I feel like this is a trap- that once she's here, she will get sick (covid or whatever) or be too weak to travel back to her new home. He assured me this isn't the case, but I have doubts.
MIL has been vaccinated for covid, and now husband is mildly pressuring me to travel to go visit with MIL with him on his next trip out there. I told him that I will at some point, but I have no interest right now. Frankly, I feel like I still have a little PTSD, and don't really want to go visit. I might at some point, but not yet.
I still have guilt about how the whole thing went down, but I then remind myself how truly miserable I was that whole year.
Thank you for the update.
I agree that it would be very risky to have MIL visit in your home. Frankly, if I were you I wouldn't even invite her to my home for dinner (for fear that she wouldn't leave).
Now visiting Hubby's extended family in Arizona may be different. It may be a chance to visit with Hubby's siblings and your nieces and nephews. If the focus of the trip is to see everyone, and not just your MIL, then maybe you could consider it. But, don't feel like that you must visit, especially if the focus is on visiting your MIL.
OP back again. Thank you, Roselvr, for the message asking for an update. Not much new to report. Husband asked me if his mother could come visit for a while and even asked her if she in interested. She expressed mild to moderate interest.
I told my husband that I feel like this is a trap- that once she's here, she will get sick (covid or whatever) or be too weak to travel back to her new home. He assured me this isn't the case, but I have doubts.
MIL has been vaccinated for covid, and now husband is mildly pressuring me to travel to go visit with MIL with him on his next trip out there. I told him that I will at some point, but I have no interest right now. Frankly, I feel like I still have a little PTSD, and don't really want to go visit. I might at some point, but not yet.
I still have guilt about how the whole thing went down, but I then remind myself how truly miserable I was that whole year.
Thanks for coming back. Nice to hear from you. Hopefully you won't be gone as long. There have been other threads here about people having their MIL come live with them, people will reply, telling them to come read this thread. If you have time in your day, you may want to consider coming here to give advice to others so they can hear it from someone that's been there. Talking about it to others may help you stop feeling guilty.
I just went back to the first page, I can't believe that you started this thread almost 2 years ago. March 26, 2019. I also went back over all of your replies. You were really miserable.
Then when she finally left, your hubs family, including MIL were icy towards you. I always suggest that you go back and reread all of your posts here if you're feeling guilty or whatever. That's my suggestion again. I think it will do you some good to go back over them to see how miserable you were. In May it will be 2 years since she left. Hard to believe it's been that long.
I had forgotten about the wedding that she was supposed to attend. Did that happen and did she come back to Florida? Curious because you hadn't mentioned it.
No way I'd let her come back, even for a visit, no way. That ship has sailed. It feels like a set up, like maybe you'd reconsider her moving back since it has been almost 2 years. Who knows what can happen while she's there? Maybe the siblings will say tag, you're it? It's your turn again since she's been there 2 years.
If I remember correctly, she originally went to live with hubs sister but he has a brother there too. Curious if she's stayed at her daughters this whole time and if she's stayed with the brother for a year. It really is too risky to have her come back even to visit since that's the way you got rid of her.
I would have a different opinion if you weren't railroaded into taking her in the first place. I had forgotten that you had told hub in the beginning that you weren't on board with taking her in, yet she still moved in knowing you weren't ok with it. It was always about her wants and needs, even before she moved in. There's no reason you should feel guilty. You were railroaded into taking her in the 1st place.
I also wouldn't be going to visit any one, especially right now with COVID, vaccine or no vaccine. You have a bad back, I surely couldn't do a trip like that with my back, would you be able to? Yes, it may be nice for you to go with your hub and kids during Spring break to see her, so your kids can see a healthy relationship with your MIL but it could back fire too with them being cold towards you, then your kids will be exposed to bad treatment of you.
Here are your 2 replies before MIL left and your reply after.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyork
OP here. Thank you all so much for your very thoughtful comments. They are appreciated.
I am not a meek, submissive person who does not have a voice. I have been trying to do the "right thing" for a year. I was truly hoping I would adapt to having her here. But it's not working.
My husband is generally not a my way or the highway kind of man. He is kind, loving and sensitive in most scenarios. I truly believe he is trying to balance being a good son with being a good husband.
I do know that he does not want to see his mother put into an assisted living until her physical abilities prevent her from doing her activities of daily living independently. He knows that his mother likes living with us in Florida, and he knows she does not particularly like being around her other children, his siblings. He also has a wife (me) who is an introvert and who has become depressed because her solitude is compromised. I do understand the position I am putting him in. I am sensitive to the notion that he is a kind human being who just wants everyone to be able to live together in peace. I never wanted him to be in the position having to choose his mom or me.
With that said, I took the advice of many here and told my husband (again!) that this scenario isn't working for me. I certainly don't mind sharing the load with the other siblings, but my house can not be a forever, until she dies, solution. He spoke to the siblings and then to his mother. She will be going to Nevada at the end of May! For right now, the plan is to have her return sometime during the beginning of September. That will give me three months. I can live with that plan for now.
As an aside, she was not happy about having to go. She knows that I am the driving force behind all this, so it has been a little frosty here. That makes me sad, but I know this is best for my well-being.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyork
OP back again. So...MIL's flight is coming up soon.
I was talking with my husband the other day, and he remarked how MIL may need a different chair when she gets back in the fall. I'm not sure what came over me, but I just blurted out, "That's not going to happen. She won't be coming back to our house under any circumstances."
My comments clearly took him off guard, since he looked shell-shocked. He said, "Well...she can just come back for a little while." I just started shaking my head saying, "no, no, no, no...not under any circumstances." "I should have said no a year again, but I didn't. I'm saying no now." And that was that. No other discussions regarding it except when he then asked me, "What about all of her things?" I just responded, "I don't know, but it doesn't matter."
What's weird is that he hasn't brought it up again. I assume he either figures I will change my mind between now and the fall (I won't!) or MIL will die or decide traveling back to FL will be too much for her by the fall.
I am having a very strange visceral reaction to her. Everything she says annoys me. The sound of her voice is like nails on a chalk board. I don't like talking to her or interacting with her in any way. I am having difficulty in speaking to her in a kind manner. I don't raise my voice, but I'm sure she is picking up on my lack of interest in anything to do with her. In essence, I have emotionally checked out and am now just counting down the days until she's gone.
If she wasn't leaving soon, I would have to return to counseling since my reaction to her seems so childish and like something I should be able to control. The bottom line is that I just don't like her (anymore...I used to, which is sad that the relationship has deteriorated.) I no longer care if she's bored or lonely or mad or sad. My emotions rotate between low-level anger, annoyance and apathy toward her. Is this normal if you have a pseudo house guest who has more than over-stayed their welcome and one who was never wanted to begin with?
The only other thing I told husband was that we shouldn't tell her she's not coming back until some time this summer. I'm going to let him/the other siblings take care of that.
Always before, I would weigh everything in my head. Up until recently, my dislike of having her here was outweighed by the thought of disappointing my husband, knowing she wanted to live with us, and just the logistics of getting her out of here. However, the scales have shifted. My dislike of having her here is greater than my concern for the other things just mentioned. I can not (and will not) any longer have a "roommate" that I don't want.
I am also concerned that if she does return, that she will go into assisted living near us. In that event, I can see my husband bringing her over for dinner most nights of the week. I can also see that I would be expected to go visit her every (or almost every) day. I am honestly so sick of her that the thought of visiting her in AL frequently and having her at my house for dinner is so unappealing. But, how would I tell husband that I don't want him bringing MIL to our house most evenings?
I feel as if I have been pushed too far. I would be perfectly fine if I never saw her again. Ever. But I do need to balance this with the fact that she is my husband's mother. What do I do??
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyork
OP back again. Thank you all for the amazing support, comments and thoughts. I've read each and every post (and private message) and appreciate your input.
Yes, MIL is gone. It took a couple of days after she left for me to feel the anxiety and irritation leave. At first, I would just marvel about how relaxed I felt, and it left me with a strange "high," for lack of a better word.
After several weeks passed, however, I just started to feel... normal. Like it never happened, which is so odd since my life was basically turned upside down for a year.
I've spoken with MIL just a few times on the phone since she's been gone. She made several comments about the sibling's small house and how the next few months will just fly by.
This just made me feel horrible as I feel as if I've tricked MIL into getting on the plane thinking she will be coming back, knowing she won't.
Husband will be flying out to Nevada in a few weeks to talk to her in person about her not coming back. He told me he is going to tell her that it is just too stressful for me to have her here. Although it's the truth, I honestly think she will be so hurt with this news that any further interactions (phone calls) between us would be so awkward. I've asked him to not mention me as the reason, but he doesn't want to lie to her. He could tell her the other siblings want to have their fair share with her, but after being with them, I think she would see right through that.
I've talked with my husband a couple of times since she left, and I apologized to him for not being able to deal with his mother living with us. He told me he understands, and he believes I gave it a fair shot. I am grateful that he accepts my feelings and acknowledges that I did the best that I could.
I hope he can couch his discussion with his mother in a way that preserves our (MIL and my) relationship, but if he doesn't, so be it.
I can't believe your MIL left almost 4 years ago. I hope you're doing well and that you didn't get stuck with your MIL again.
I found your thread after someone posted about their MIL going to visit them. The OP is also disabled. I gave a link to it so that she can she she's not alone.
I also feel that the OP did her fair part in taking care of her MIL. To be honest, I believe the whole family is to be commended in taking care of her especially since she’s still alive 4 years later. At this rate, she’ll make it to 100.
It’s such a difficult decision taking care of family members, especially those that are octogenarians and older. In most cases, their children are in their 50’s and 60’s having to deal with their own health issues, and the OP’s story illustrates this so well.
We have an obligation to the prior generation, but at some point, difficult decisions must be made. I suspect that if the other siblings feel they’ve done their part for mom, that they’ll have to decide on AL for her. Sending good thoughts your way OP.
I hope that Op is doing o.k. now. That living situation really took a toll on her, her marriage, the privacy of her teenagers and her relationship with the other members of her extended family. She was depressed, in therapy and probably feeling the need to take medication to ratchet down her anxiety and depression - which she never had been before. That isn't something that any right thinking parent would ever want their children and their spouses to go through.
My guess is that the Nevada kin have placed Mom in assisted living by now. But that is just a guess.
I hope that Op is doing o.k. now. That living situation really took a toll on her, her marriage, the privacy of her teenagers and her relationship with the other members of her extended family. She was depressed, in therapy and probably feeling the need to take medication to ratchet down her anxiety and depression - which she never had been before. That isn't something that any right thinking parent would ever want their children and their spouses to go through.
My guess is that the Nevada kin have placed Mom in assisted living by now. But that is just a guess.
That was my thought too, that her MIL got sent to assisted living.
What I don't understand about the OP's position in the beginning is why her MIL wouldn't want her own privacy? She presumably had a room of her own. If I were her, I'd be in my own happy space, seeing the family at mealtimes and for necessary interactions during the day or if invited to participate in Movie Night, Game Night, etc. Why put insinuate yourself into another family's daily operations?
This didn't have to end the way it did for the OP, with her feeling guilty about not being able to STAND having someone else in her home all the time. Grandma should have respected their privacy more. IMHO.
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